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Posts Tagged ‘Shoshy Raphael’

An Unimportant Matter

Posted by meekrat on September 24, 2010

It was the early nineties, and Mister Lucky, famed member of the Basset Hound Brigade, found himself tied to a chair. He was quite surprised, as this sort of thing hadn’t happened in decades. Since he was a rookie, in fact, just starting out in the adventuring business. A cold shiver went up his spine as he realized that he was genuinely surprised by this turn of events. While to the world at large he was the Luckiest Man in the World, he was actually the smartest man who ever lived, and had long been able to extrapolate what would happen to him using his excessive intelligence. Surprise was something that no longer happened to him. As he tried to free himself from his bonds, he felt his finger brush against another finger, followed by a low groan. Another surprise. It was not a very good day.

Mister Lucky tried to turn to look at his fellow prisoner, but whoever tied him to the chair knew darn well that a knot had to be tied ungodly tight to trap Mister Lucky. He settled on whispering, “Hey there, I’m Mister Lucky, and today’s your lucky day, because I’m going to get us out of this mess! But wait, there’s more! When I find out who did this, I’ll kick his teeth in!”

He waited a few moments for the other prisoner to respond, and when he did, Mister Lucky instantly recognized the voice of Shoshy Raphael, “Not my lucky day if I’m stuck here with you.”

“Sure it is. You’re some Detroit councilman, you’re on the straight and narrow! It’s my job to save people like you, long as you don’t try to kill me first,” said Mister Lucky, “Now let’s see about getting out of here.”

A light went on, momentarily blinding Mister Lucky. He bet it did the same to Shoshy Raphael, and another groan confirmed this. As his eyes adjusted, he saw a figure standing in the shadows.

“You’re awake. Good. I was getting bored,” said the figure, “My name is unimportant, but my message is quite important.”

“Well then, Unimportant, give us the message and let us go on our way,” said Mister Lucky, smiling wryly.

“I’m not stupid,” said Unimportant, “For too long, you and your kind have been a cancer upon this world. Adventurers and costumed heroes and the like running around thinking they’re better than the average man. I’ve taken the liberty of reuniting the Basset Hound Brigade and Nantucket Dragon Group, or at least those I could find, and there’s quite the surprise waiting for all of you once you’re out of here.”

“What kind of surprise?” slurred Shoshy Raphael, probably coming off the effects of some sort of drug.

“If I told you, then it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it?” said Unimportant, “In five minutes, I’m sure you’ll both be free. Then you’ll find out what the surprise is.”

The light went off and a door opened. Mister Lucky’s mind and hands began to race.

“He didn’t gloat,” said Mister Lucky.

“So,” said Shoshy Raphael.

“Villains gloat. It’s what they do,” Mister Lucky managed to free one of his hands and began work on the other, “So either he’s not a villain, or… I don’t know.”

Shoshy Raphael sat straight up, “You don’t know?”

“Why’s that so surprising,” said Mister Lucky, freeing his other hand and working on the other bonds, “I’m the World’s Luckiest Man, not the smartest one.”

Shoshy slouched, “Yes. Of course. Are you almost free?”

Mister Lucky stood up and began untying Shoshy Raphael, “Sure am! Sit tight, councilman, I’ll get you out of here in a jiffy.”

A minute and twenty seconds later, Shoshy Raphael stood up. Neither he nor Mister Lucky looked a day older than they had in the nineteen-twenties, owing their longevity and youthfulness to a mystical dragon ring and an immortality serum, respectively. Mister Lucky closed his eyes and turned on the light. The door was open, at once inviting and menacing.

“I’m not looking forward to this surprise,” spat Mister Lucky, making his way to the door regardless. He looked out and saw a dimly-lit warehouse, and not a very good one, either. There was a catwalk connecting several second-story rooms and an empty floor. No boxes at all. In addition to a normal door, there were two loading docks.

Shoshy Raphael joined him at the doorway and peeked out, holding his ivory cane in front of him, “No boxes? What is this world coming to?”

“I know,” said Mister Lucky, “Back in the good old days, you made sure there were boxes to buckle swashes off of and all that.”

“Remember the Charleston Death Ray,” asked Shoshy Raphael, “You almost didn’t make it out of that one.”

“I think that was your most fiendish plan,” said Mister Lucky, almost smiling.

Shoshy Raphael did smile, “Why is that? The casualties? The far-reaching implications of such a device?”

“Nope,” said Mister Lucky, “If it wasn’t for that, I think that stupid Charlie Charleston would never have shown up.”

“Ah, yes. Charlie. During the second Great War, we all joked that he was the true force behind Adolf Hitler,” said Shoshy Raphael, “Could you imagine it? A legion of Nazis dancing the Charleston across the battlefield? A race of Aryan Supermen who were exceptional at dancing that infernal dance.”

“I shudder to think,” said Mister Lucky, “Just because I’m all chummy with you right now doesn’t mean I like you. I still think you’re one of the worst eggs I’ve ever come across.”

“Of course. My hatred for you is matched only by my hatred for Edwin Cloudstar,” said Shoshy.

“Who? Never mind, let’s check the other rooms. See if our compatriots are in them,” said Mister Lucky.

A quick check of the rooms revealed the Amazing Rando tied to a chair with Vinny Fitzpatrick, Guerdon Trueblood shackled together with the Impossible Mister Frink, Guy Magistro chained to a wall with Jojo Jenkins by his side, and Simon McCockindale in a room with Dick Douglas. All had been visited by Unimportant.

“I can’t wait for the surprise,” said Vinny Fitzpatrick, “D’ya think it’s a party?”

“Nazi jewel thieves,” said Dick Douglas, “I’d bet your hat on it.”

Guy Magistro flicked his wrist and summoned his basket of magic eggs, “Don’t be daft. We’ve done nothing worth celebrating. More likely that fool means to kill us.”

As if on cue, a large television screen flipped down from the ceiling and the silhouetted Unimportant appeared on its screen. The collective members of the Basset Hound Brigade and Nantucket Dragon Group looked up and waited.

“By my estimates, you should all have escaped by now. Don’t bother looking for me, as I’ve been gone for several minutes, and I took measures to keep you from following me. Now, if you’ll look down, you’ll see two loading bay doors. If my instructions are followed, then they should be opening now,” said Unimportant. The doors did, in fact, open and ten men walked out of the trailers. The Bassets and Nantucket Dragon Group looked down upon them warily. Unimportant continued, “I scoured the Earth to find beings who were your polar opposites. Anti-Bassets and Anti-Dragons, if you wish. It’s my hope that you all kill each other, though I admit my hopes aren’t very high. Have at it, gentlemen.”

The screen ascended and the ten men stared up at the Basset Hound Brigade and Nantucket Dragon Group.

“It’s impossible for us to survive,” gasped Mister Frink.

“Anything’s possible,” said a hippie, among the men on the ground, “I can do what you do, Mister Frink. You can call me the possible Mister Harold.”

“I never liked hippies,” said Mister Frink, under his breath.

“There’s no chance you can beat us,” said Mister Lucky, “I mean, look at you? Are you supposed to be my guy?”

A hulking brute of a man dressed like Mister Lucky just stared, “I’m Mister Unlucky. We’re gonna kill you dead.”

“I like him,” said Shoshy Raphael with a grin, “Right to the point. Nantucket Dragon Group, it would appear that they’re one short, and I’m sure we’re all terribly busy, so why don’t we end this quickly?”

“It’s been years since we done that,” said Simon McCockindale, “You think he’s still around?”

“Of course,” said Guy Magistro, “He’s a demon.”

“True,” said Simon McCockindale.

“Fire,” said Shoshy Raphael, thrusting out his fist.

“Earth,” said Guy Magistro, doing the same.

“Air,” said Guerdon Trueblood.

“Water,” said the Amazing Rando.

“Energy,” said Simon McCockindale.

The five dragon rings each emitted a beam of energy, meeting in the center of the room and drilling into the ground. Moments later, in a flash of brimstone and fire, the demonic hobo Baggy Satan emerged.

“What’s all this, then?” he said, honestly confused. He looked around and realized what was happening, “You lot! Just the other day I was having a chat with me mate about you! How long’s it been?”

“Decades,” said Shoshy Raphael, “If you would, destroy all those men on the ground.”

Baggy Satan’s eyes glowed with happiness, “Truly? No pullin’ levers or makin’ bears out of pizza? Just straight up hellfire an’ brimstone?”

“Yes!” said Shoshy Raphael.

The men on the ground began to converse nervously, and then they all stepped back. The possible Mister Harold waved to the Basset Hound Brigade and Nantucket Dragon Group, “Sorry, fellas, but we quit. Come on, Mister Unlucky.”

The veins on Mister Unlucky’s neck throbbed, his eyes bulged, and his suit tore. He turned to the possible Mister Harold and growled at him, “No!” He ran at Baggy Satan and punched him into a wall, leaving an imprint. There was a collective gasp, “I don’t run!”

“We do,” said Mister Harold, “Good luck taking on ten men and a demon.”

With that, the Anti-Bassets and Anti-Dragons disbanded, leaving only Mister Unlucky to oppose the Nantucket Dragon Group and Basset Hound Brigade.

“I don’t run, neither,” said Baggy Satan, standing up and wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth, “Let’s see you do that again!”

Mister Unlucky cracked his knuckles and lumbered towards Baggy Satan, who lashed out with a flaming uppercut that threw Mister Unlucky into the air. He landed with a sickening crack, but immediately stood back up, tearing out a piece of the floor and hurling it at Baggy Satan. The demon countered it with a stream of hellfire, and then turned the fire on Mister Unlucky. He shielded his face from the fire and strode through it as if it were water, back-handing Baggy Satan once he reached him.

“Should we help?” said Vinny Fitzpatrick.

“Already on it,” said Mister Lucky, who took out a notebook, wrote something down, and slid the notebook into his pocket. Scant seconds later, a hundred Mister Luckys appeared in the warehouse and all of them swarmed Mister Unlucky. The brute easily threw them off and used several of them as weapons against Baggy Satan.

“He’s impossible to defeat,” said Mister Frink, whose words caused the large television to fall from the ceiling and crash upon Mister Unlucky, knocking him to the ground. Baggy Satan spat on him and vanished back into Hell and all the Mister Luckys dissolved into goo. The one true Mister Lucky made his way down and walked over to the fallen brute.

He checked for a pulse, “Oh my god. He’s still alive.”

“Quite a feat,” said Shoshy Raphael, “Now then, are we going to continue this little team-up or can we all go our separate ways?”

“We’re done here,” said Mister Lucky, nudging Mister Unlucky with his foot, “Be on the look-out, though. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this Unimportant. Or Mister Unlucky.”


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Mister Lucky’s Off Day

Posted by meekrat on September 20, 2010

The sunlight poked through the curtains of the Impossible Mister Frink’s quarters, slowly engulfing the modest hotel suite he called home in a dank light. He grumbled to himself and rolled over, pulling his nightcap over his ears to block out a din coming from other room in the hotel. The whole situation was not to his liking, and he ached to return to his rooms at Oxford with the terrible beds and cobweb-infested windows. He could get a decent night’s sleep there, and he could be certain that any noise he heard could be quelled with the threat of expulsion or some sort of reading assignment. Yet, as a member of the Basset Hound Brigade, he was counted on to reside in New York, though he refused to stay at the Fox’s Den, the storied home of the Basset Hound Brigade.

The riotous din was growing closer, and suddenly Mister Frink’s bedroom door flew open, revealing the all too familiar face of Mister Lucky, upon which the unfamiliar look of fear had settled, “Wake up, Frinky! Wake up!”

Mister Frink attempted to roll over, but knew that there was no stopping Mister Lucky once he set his mind upon something and so he rolled onto his back and sat up, “What the devil? Mister Lucky, why are you in my private rooms?”

Mister Lucky smiled, completely failing to convey any sense of comfort or happiness, “Today’s your lucky day, Frinky! It’s our day off!”

Mister Frink’s brow furrowed, his mind already acting at peak efficiency despite being active for a meager amount of minutes, “We do not take holidays. We are adventurers and scholars!”

Despite his obvious fear, Mister Lucky cocked an eyebrow and managed a sly smile, “Would you say it’s impossible?”

Mister Frink folded his arms across his chest, “Yes! It’s quite impossible for us to take a day off!” Slowly, Mister Frink realized that he had activated his power to affect probability, which rendered the impossible quite possible indeed, “Oh, drat. I’ve done it again.”

Mister Lucky dug through Mister Frink’s closet and pulled out a suitcase, and then took it over to the wardrobe and began tossing various items in, “You sure have! What do you want to do with your day off?”

“I’d quite like to return to my slumber,” said Mister Frink, already reclining and shutting his eyes.

Mister Lucky stopped packing the suitcase and leapt atop the bed, grabbing Mister Frink by his lapels and pulling him up, panic dripping from his every word, “And waste your day off? We should go somewhere! Far, far away! For a very long time!” He laughed nervously, then leapt off the bed and resumed packing.

Sensing that his slumber was over for the time being, Mister Frink removed his covers and walked behind an oriental screen, a gift from an Oriental trader the Bassets had helped previously, “What are you blathering on about?”

Mister Lucky tossed Mister Frink a gray three-piece suit and sat down on the bed, “I got a message from the Nantucket Dragon Group. They’re going to set off a series of bombs in the city today and I don’t want to be here for that.”

Mister Frink emerged from behind the screen fully dressed and straightening his tie, “I’m surprised at your behavior! You are one of the foremost adventurers of this age, and here you are acting like a common coward! I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re addled, for some reason, but we not must turn our backs on this crisis! We must join up with Douglas and the rest and — ”

Mister Lucky slumped forward, removing his bowler hat and putting his forehead in his hands, “They’ve all been kidnapped, Frinky. Every last one. Even Jojo and the Little Spick, and some ancillary member we just inducted last night and who’ll probably be dead before this whole thing is over.”

Mister Frink froze momentarily, “We must save them, even if it seems impossible for us to do so!”

“Oh, damn it. Fine. Let’s go save our…” Mister Lucky ran a few words through his head, found one he was happy with, and continued, “Let’s go save our allies from the clutches of the Nantucket Dragon Group and avert a city-wide disaster.”

“Indeed! First, let us eat breakfast. One can’t operate properly without a full stomach, and I sense that your stomach is very empty indeed,” said Mister Frink, ringing the bell to summon room service.

Mister Lucky smiled pathetically and nodded, “Okay!”


In a warehouse across town, the rest of the Basset Hound Brigade was, indeed, in the clutches of the sinister Nantucket Dragon Group.

Vinny Fitzpatrick scowled at the Dragons, “You’ll never get away wit’ this!”

Shoshy Raphael, sleepy-eyed and sharply dressed in a white suit with a fur-lined coat draped across his shoulders, laughed once, “Oh, but I think we will! Just to show you how serious we are we have secured your newest member, Quick-Exit Quinton, to our deadly explosion apparatus!”

Dick Douglas began frothing at the mouth and fighting against his bonds, “You fiend! Let him go and take me instead!”

Vinny tried to turn to look at his detective compatriot but only managed to get his head half-way turned, “I’ve never seen you so worked up about anyone, Mister Dick!”

Dick Douglas stopped struggling for a moment and closed his eyes solemnly, bowing his head and gritting his teeth, “In the short time I’ve known him, he’s become like a brother to me.”

Shoshy Raphael tapped his ivory cane against the floor and smiled maniacally, “All the more reason to destroy him! Amazing Rando, are his bonds secure?”

“Hizzah!” The magician Amazing Rando waved his hands mystically and stroked his immaculate mustache, “Nothing up my sleeve, no slack in the bonds! Let’s make him disappear!”

Shoshy Raphael pointed towards a Cockney pick-pocket, “Is the power prepared, Simon?”

The pick-pocket nodded, “Cor! It sure is, or my name ain’t Simon McCockindale!”

Shoshy Raphael stared for a moment, and then cast his eyes downward, “Yes. Guerdon Trueblood and Guy Magistro, are your tasks complete?”

The Native American warrior Guerdon Trueblood nodded, his voice slowly reaching a crescendo, “As sure as the sun rises in the east and the white man took my land.”

A crazed-looking man in robes and holding a basket filled with colored eggs turned to Shoshy Raphael, “He shall know centuries of pain in moments!”

“Then let our powers combine to summon Baggy Satan,” said Shoshy Raphael, thrusting his ring-adorned fist towards the heavens, “Fire!”

Guy Magistro thrust his fist towards the heavens, “Earth!”

Guerdon Trueblood did the same, “Air!”

As did the Amazing Rando, “Water!”

Simon McCockindale was the final link in this chain of power, “Energy!”

Thin beams of multi-colored light emanated from the rings, arcing towards the sky and quickly descending and meeting in the center of the five members of the Nantucket Dragon Group. As the five beams met, a hellish rainbow drilled towards the Earth and in a flash of fire and brimstone a demonic hobo emerged.

“Blimey! What’s all this, then?” said Baggy Satan, waving his arms to escape the smoke. He recognized his surroundings and rolled his eyes, “Not you lot again.”

“Yes! Baggy Satan, pull the lever that will activate the machine to destroy Quick-Exit Quinton!” shouted Shoshy Raphael, pointing towards the explosion apparatus and a lever not five feet from Simon McCockindale.

Baggy Satan looked from Shoshy Raphael to the lever, and back, and back again, “Really? I could just blast ’em wit’ the ol’ hellfire, I could, or any number o’ creative and ‘orrifying t’ings.”

Shoshy Raphael replied, “The lever, Baggy Satan!”

Baggy Satan floated up to the lever, trying to ignore Simon McCockindale as he did so, “Whatever you say, guv’nar.”

Baggy Satan pulled the lever and the machine below him started slowly, rumbling softly, sounding somewhat like an oncoming train. The Basset Hound Brigade watched in terror as the Nantucket Dragon Group looked on with glee as Quick-Exit Quinton quickly tried to free himself from bondage. An escape artist by trade, he easily freed one of his hands and reached down to undo his feet. With each foot, the machine rumbled louder and more quickly, until Quick-Exit Quinton reached up to free his other hand. As he did so, an explosion erupted from the machine, engulfing Quinton and leaving behind nothing but a singed hand which tumbled into the bowels of the machine.

Dick Douglas screamed, “No! Quinton! You’ve killed him, you filthy bastards! You’ve killed him!”

Shoshy Raphael laughed, “He’s just the first! We shall kill every last one of you do-gooders, as our machine runs on the power of virtuous souls, and we shall use those virtue-laden souls to destroy the city!”

“You people are mad!” shouted Vinny Fitzpatrick.

“Only because that fool Mister Lucky isn’t here to witness my triumph!” said Shoshy Raphael, completely unaware that Mister Lucky was across town arguing with Mister Frink about toast.

Dick Douglas looked around and gestured to his African-American gardener and a young Hispanic man, “Too bad the Jojo and the Little Spick are knocked out. I’m sure they could use their native magicks to free themselves, and then us.”

Vinny Fitzpatrick attempted to glower at him, mouth agape, “That’s a bit racist, don’t ya think?”

Dick Douglas thought about this deeply for a moment, “We’re tied to a wall. How can we be racing?”

Shoshy Raphael giggled madly, “You are racing Douglas! To your deaths!”

A dirty child named Mugsy dropped from the ceiling, landing with a cat’s grace, followed by a baby, a young Brachiosaur, and several other children, “Not so fast! Orphan Freelance is on the case!”

Shoshy Raphael turned towards the new arrivals, his eyes bulging, “What? Urchins? What madness is this?”

“Go get ‘im, Babyface!” shouted Mugsy.

The baby simply sat there, “Goo.”

Mugsy beamed with pride, “We call him that on account of the fact that he’s a baby, with a face!”

“He’s just sitting there,” said the Amazing Rando, who was nevertheless too bewildered and fearful to approach the infant.

Mugsy just smiled, “Okay then, plan B! Brachiosaur?”

Brachiosaur stepped forth, “Brachi!”

Mugsy pointed to the Bassets, “Go free the Basset Hound Brigade!”

The other orphan tugged on Mugsy’s sleeve, “What do you want us to do?”

Mugsy grinned, “Pillage and plunder, same as always! Crack all the safes, and make sure the Little Spick gets his cut or he’ll crack some skulls!”

“Right away!” The other orphan saluted and dashed off with several of his fellows.

Shoshy Raphael waved his arm theatrically, “Nantucket Dragon Group, kill the orphans! Every last one! We shall use their pure souls for our machine!”

Guerdon Trueblood raised his eyebrows, “Bear spirit thinks that’s rather harsh.”

Guy Magistro had no such qualms, however, and was chucking his magical eggs at the orphans as they ran about the warehouse over-turning boxes and making a general mess of things. As the eggs burst, unleashing various magical effects such as bursts of ice and fire, the orphans screamed and fell to the ground. However, Brachiosaur was finishing up his work.

“Brachi brachi!” he said, finishing removing Vinny Fitzpatrick’s bonds.

Vinny Fitzpatrick pat the young dinosaur on his head, “Thanks a load for untyin’ us. Let’s go get ’em, Dick! For Quinton!”

Dick Douglas looked up from rubbing the life back into his wrists, “For who?”

Vinny Fitzpatrick slapped his forehead, “Quinton. The man who said was like a brother to ya.”

Dick Douglas shrugged, “All right, but there’s six of them. The orphans skedaddled, and Jojo and the Little Spick are still lying around being useless. Lazy minorities!”

“They’re knocked out, Dick,” said Vinny, praying that history would understand Dick’s casual racism.

“Yeah, lazy. Anyway, there’s two of us and they have a giant machine to kill us with,” said Dick.

“I know it looks grim, but I think we can pull through!” said Vinny, striking his chest, “Just like Mister Lucky would!”

Dick Douglas looked thoughtful for a moment, “Huh, if that incompetent lout could pull through, then I can, too! Watch out, Nantucket Dragon Group, here we… er, where’d they go?”

Vinny looked around. The Nantucket Dragon Group were nowhere to be seen, nor was their machine, “I think they left while we was talkin’.”

Dick Douglas smiled and rubbed his hands together, “Great! Another case solved. Let’s go get us a drink.”


Elsewhere in the city, the Nantucket Dragon Group sat atop their incredibly slow-moving explosion apparatus as it made its way towards the center of the city. Amazing Rando attempted to practice his card tricks while Guy Magistro chucked his magic eggs at passer-by and laughing. Guerdon Trueblood stood with his arms folded, looking over the white man’s domain. Simon McCockindale sat with his legs dangling off the side of the apparatus, wondering if he should use his energy ring to increase the apparatus’s speed. He opted not to, as Shoshy Raphael was standing on the edge and gesturing out towards the city and ranting. Speeding up would no doubt cause him to fall off. Simon McCockindale’s monkey climbed on the outside of the machine while Baggy Satan hovered some distance behind.

“We shall take this apparatus to the very center of the city where we shall use its awesome power to destroy the centers of population,” he shouted, occasionally pointing at a pedestrian.

“Not to be cheeky, sir, but ain’t the whole city a center of population?” said Simon, listlessly waving his legs.

Shoshy Raphael turned to Simon, “That’s now what I meant and you know it.”

“I guess, sir,” said Simon, as he went back to his ponderings.

Shoshy Raphael pointed at the still-rising sun, “In any case, this shall be the first strike of the Nantucket Dragon Group’s war against the world!”

Several streets in front of them, a ghostly voice traveled on the wind, its sing-song cadence heard only by one man, “Here comes Mister Lucky, sad that he missed the handsome young boys…”

Mister Lucky scowled and whispered harshly, “Shut up, you!”

“I didn’t say anything,” said Mister Frink, frowning.

“Never mind, Frinky,” said Mister Lucky, “Here they come! Let’s go!”

Mister Lucky and Mister Frink stepped into the straight, causing the already nearly immobile explosion apparatus to become completely stationary. Shoshy Raphael looked down upon his enemies, “Oh, drat! It’s the rest of the Basset Hound Brigade. No matter, it’s still seven against two!”

The Nantucket Dragon Group descended from atop the explosion apparatus and took up a battle formation in front of the two members of the Basset Hound Brigade. Mister Lucky stood firm, “Too bad you’re facing off against the Luckiest Man in the World!”

Mister Frink stood two steps behind, “Even with your… ahem… luck, it’s impossible for us to triumph!”

“Just what I needed to hear, Frinky! Let’s have it!” said Mister Lucky, lashing out with a roundhouse punch.

It landed on the side of Simon McCockindale’s head, who cried out, “Oh no! I’ve been waylaid!” He slumped to the ground and his monkey dragged him away.

“A bit of fisticuffs, eh? Take this!” said Mister Frink, hitting Guy Magistro in the jaw with a right hook. The sorcerer fell to the ground in a slump. Mister Frink followed up by hitting the Amazing Rando with a right hook.

As the Amazing Rando fell, he said, “Now I see you, now I don’t, because I’m unconscious now!”

Mister Lucky found himself facing the man-mountain known as Guerdon Trueblood, and so he attempted to appeal to the Native American warrior’s better nature, “Your proud native American heritage can’t possibly agree with using innocent souls in a death machine, Trueblood!”

Trueblood looked down at him, “It does when they’re the souls of the white man.”

Mister Lucky smiled and wagged his finger, “In that case…”

A flowerpot fell from the sky and hit Guerdon Trueblood square in the head, knocking him unconscious.

“That flowerpot came out of nowhere,” said Shoshy Raphael, hissing.

“Did it?” said Mister Lucky with a wink, “It’s your turn, Shoshy! Give up and we’ll go easy on you!”

Shoshy Raphael stepped back, holding his ivory cane up as if to repel Mister Lucky, “Not so fast, Lucky! You forget that we have the power of Hell on our side! Baggy Satan, transport us back to our secret headquarters and destroy this machine! Farewell, Mister Lucky! We won’t meet again, because you’re going to die!”

Baggy Satan groaned and waved his hands, causing the Nantucket Dragon Group to vanish into thin air. Mister Lucky and Mister Frink braced themselves for the destruction of the explosion apparatus, but it simply fell apart.

“Well, that was a let-down,” said Mister Lucky.

“I believe they sought to have it explode. They should have given their demon more explicit instructions,” said Mister Frink.

“Well, then, I suppose today really is our lucky day!” said Mister Lucky, picking up a piece of the machine to examine.

“It will never be a lucky day so long as their evil roams the world,” said Mister Frink solemnly.

“Way to go, Captain Killjoy,” said Mister Lucky weakly.

“That’s not my name,” said Mister Frink haughtily, “You know my name.”

“Just… never mind,” said Mister Lucky, tossing the piece of machine to the ground and walking away, “I knew we should have just taken the day off.”

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MMM 2010: Epilog

Posted by meekrat on August 4, 2010

[In Detroit, Logan Keanu Solo and his group of Paci Custodis appear in their kitchen. Clarence Claybourne and Graves sit down and begin eating bowls of Frosted Flakes, while Shrugs takes his Mister Lucky scarecrow outside. Logan Keanu Solo stretches and goes to watch television, but Player One looks around for a few moments, and then runs up to his room. There is no one there, and he sits down on his bed, takes off his goggles, and begins to cry. Jimmy Swift comes to his door and knocks.]
Jimmy Swift: Hey. You all right?
Player One: Oh god. You’re hear to make fun of me or something, aren’t you?
[Jimmy Swift takes a chair, the only one not covered with video game paraphernalia, and sits on it.]
Jimmy Swift: Not this time. I mean, I spent a lot of time with Cowboy Santa and Elfie after my events were over, and then they just got ripped away from me. He was like a father to me in the short time I knew him. I’ll get over it, though. I have to. You, though, you lost your three closest friends, am I right?
Player One: Yeah. I didn’t even think to ask Player Three and Four where they are, and I know where Player Two is, but there’s no way I can get to Cleveland. I tried once, but I got as far as the bus depot before I had to turn back.
Jimmy Swift: The important thing is that you know they’re still there, and now all of you can look for each other together. Or something. You can find them, is what I’m saying.
Player One: You’re right. I’m going to actually make a plan and all that! Look out, world! Here I come!
Jimmy Swift: That’s the spirit! Now buck up and start planning!
Player One: Why don’t you always act like this?
Jimmy Swift: I don’t like it. And if you ever tell anyone about me doing this, I swear to God I’ll kill you myself.
Player One: Understood.

[In the seventies, the super-spy group known as CAST are having a mission briefing. Suddenly, Agent Man-In-Charge feels a cold shiver run down his spine.]
Agent Pheromone: What’s wrong, boss-man?
Agent Man-In-Charge: I feel as if someone just tore a version of me from the past, forced it to participate in inane competitions, and then finally used it to power a machine designed to channel the power from extra-dimensional entities into a fat little bear.
Agent Seven-In-One: Spooky. I just had the same feeling. What about you, Agent Villain?
[Agent Villain stands in the corner, cleaning his fingernails with his knife.]
Agent Villain: Hmm?
Agent Seven-In-One: Did you feel all those things?
[Agent Villain sheathes his knife and shrugs.]
Agent Villain: No. I didn’t feel a thing.

[Mike P, Owen Reilly, Ethan Crane, Pikapunk, Antwon, and Cinco de Mayo arrive on the god-head island. A dirty unshaven figure runs out of the woods, his clothes torn, carrying a sharpened stick.]
Mike P: JJ?
JJ: Oh thank god! Where have you guys been? There weren’t any heads, thank God, but still, you guys were gone for so long! Where were you?
Jerald: We’re not at liberty to discuss that with you. Who are you, anyway?
JJ: Who are you?
[Jerald and JJ scowl at each other. JJ stops as his eyes widen.]
JJ: Oh! Like an hour ago, a bunch of buildings just popped out of nowhere.
Mike P: That was supposed to happen, sort of.
JJ: Okay. So it’s not crazy island stuff?
Mike P: Not really. Are they nice?
JJ: I guess. Completely empty, but nice.
Ethan Crane: No televisions?
JJ: Not one. No furniture at all.
Mike P: Looks like we’ll be going shopping soon, then.
JJ: I’ll be footing the bill for that?
Mike P: You bet.

[Mister Lucky and the Archaic English Society arrive in front of the Spire.]
Mister Lucky: Good to be back home, I guess. What an adventure that was, wasn’t it?
Amorphous Blob: We died.
Mister Lucky: Sure did. Important thing is that we’re all back now. Me, you, Hamilton, Nick, Matt, and weird red creature.
Professor Nick: What was that last one?
Mister Lucky: Weird red creature.
Baco: Oh yes! I’ve finally found where I belong, among English majors! What a happy day indeed!
Mister Lucky: Were you… supposed to come back with us?
Baco: Oh, no. I think I was supposed to go with Mike P and his crew, but I hitched a ride with you lot instead.
Mister Lucky: You could do that?
Professor Nick: I wish I had known! I would have gone with that young lady with the napkins covering her naughty bits.
Mister Lucky: [sighing] You’re welcome to stay for a bit, I guess.
Baco: I have plenty of places I could go, and was planning on staying regardless of your permission. Now then, where’s your library? There’s a book I’ve been meaning to read…

[The Animajor and the Righteous Smidgen appear in the middle of rural America, along with Perverto.]
The Animajor: Why were we all sent here?
Righteous Smidgen: I think it’s because none of us were pulled from anywhere. We just showed up.
Perverto: Whatevs! Smell you later!
[Perverto leaves, plodding towards the sunrise. A farmer grazing his cattle in the surrounding fields sees Perverto, screams out something about an alien invasion, pushes over one of his cows, slices open its belly, and tries his best to hide inside.]
The Animajor: [turning to the Righteous Smidgen] So what will you do?
Righteous Smidgen: I think I’ll go visit the Paragon People. Perhaps they’ll let me stay with them for a bit, perhaps be on their team. What will you do?
The Animajor: I don’t want to be considered a villain. I’d like to be a hero, so I think I’ll work on that. At the very least, perhaps work my way up to anti-hero status. If you know where the Paragon People are located, I could possibly drop you off…
Righteous Smidgen: Captain Depresso said they were currently based in a town in Indiana. Woburn, I think he said.
The Animajor: All right. Off to Woburn, Indiana, then.
[The Animajor picks up the Righteous Smidgen, holds the diminutive hero in his hand, and away they go.]

[Back in Detroit, Shoshy Raphael enters city hall. The secretary looks up at him.]
Secretary: One moment please.
[The secretary looks down at the desk and concentrates on her work for only a few seconds before she realizes to whom she was speaking. She looks back up at Shoshy Raphael, smiling nervously.]
Secretary: Mister Raphael! We didn’t expect to see you back!
Shoshy Raphael: Obviously not. Now then, what’s occurred while I’ve been away?
Secretary: Crime went way down, which was good. So did super heroic activity, which should make you happy because I know you don’t appreciate the superheroes. The hospital opened their new wing, a new library opened, an older library burned down, and you were replaced.
Shoshy Raphael: Very good. I’ll be in my office if you need me.
[Shoshy Raphael takes three steps, stops, blinks, then turns suddenly to his secretary.]
Shoshy Raphael: I’ve been replaced?! You can’t replace me! I’m the mayor!
Secretary: “Were” the mayor. Sorry, Mister Raphael. Your successor, a Mister Hain —
Shoshy Raphael: [stroking his chin] Hain. Hain? The name doesn’t–wait, you mean the costume shop mogul? That “Mister Hain”?
Secretary: The costume shop mogul and new mayor of Detroit, Mister Raphael. Anyway, Mister Hain said there’s a room for you in his mansion should you need it.
Shoshy Raphael: Let me guess. His mansion is actually MY mansion.
Secretary: “Was” your mansion. Again, sorry, Mister Raphael. Oh, I almost forgot! Mister Hain also insisted that I hand this message to you personally.
Shoshy Raphael: [sighing] Well, I might as well take a look at it.
[The secretary hands over an envelope, sealed with the mayor’s wax stamp.]
Shoshy Raphael: [mumbling] Hain already has a mansion. No reason he needs two of them.
[Shoshy Raphael heads outside, opens the letter, and reads it over once, twice, and a third time.]
Shoshy Raphael: Hm. What an interesting offer, I must say. Almost makes being ousted from office worth it.
[With a grin, Shoshy Raphael folds the letter and places it into his pocket. Walking forward, Shoshy Raphael melts into the bustling crowds roaming the streets of downtown Detroit as the early morning sun rises into the daytime sky.]

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MMM 2010: Finale Finale

Posted by meekrat on August 3, 2010

Shoshy Raphael: I’ll go. Consider it a part of my penance.
Iavi: How are you going to get him up there?
Shoshy Raphael: By using my ring! Also, Baggy Satan.
Baggy Satan: Not so sure that’s a good idea, guv’ner.
Shoshy Raphael: Of course it is. Now get us to the top of that mountain of goo!
[Baggy Satan sighs and grabs Edwin Cloudstar and Shoshy Raphael. Edwin Cloudstar deflects the blasts as much as he can, until they reach the top of the beast.]
Edwin Cloudstar: Here I go.
[Edwin Cloudstar drops and sinks through the goo, still holding the bomb, and disappearing from sight. Shoshy Raphael and Baggy Satan fly to the top of the Coliseum of the Stupid to watch what happens.]
Baggy Satan: Shouldn’t you be down there?
Shoshy Raphael: No. I’ve done more than enough, and I refuse to die here today.
Baggy Satan: What about all the other blokes?
Shoshy Raphael: After this… thing is dead and gone I’ll scour the bodies to find the other rings. Then I’ll wear them all. It should grant me great power. I doubt even the Stupid could stand to face me.
[An explosion takes place at the core of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, causing him to be blown to bits. Edwin Cloudstar walks out of the totally ruined stadium, not looking at the explosion behind him. While everyone’s eyes are on the explosion, Shoshy Raphael and Baggy Satan sneak to the back of the group. Edwin Cloudstar, Shoshy Raphael, and Baggy Satan reach the group.]
Iavi: Good job, kid! Quick thinking. I don’t think there’s any way that thing can come back now.
Xavier Malcolm: Yeah, unless he becomes an energy being or something. What are the chances of that, though?
Baco: Really! The chances of such a thing happening are at least a million to one!
Antwon: Two million to one, perhaps!
Bukake: Look! Something emerges from the danger zone!
[All look to see a ghostly image of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew‘s face floating over the stadium. It unleashes two crackles of energy, totally vaporizing the Coliseum of the Stupid and the Hippodrome of Lamp Prime.]
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: I have become more than mortal! You have aided me to shed my fragile shell and now I exist as pure thought, pure energy! Taste my wrath!
[The Bear Machine,, its googly eyes shaking, begins shooting bears out with such ferocity that they fly at the energy.]
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: There was once a time when I would grant you mercy, but that time is gone, lifetimes ago!
Mike P: That was like an hour ago!
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: No matter!
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew vaporizes the Bear Machine, and Purga the Demon-Thing.]
Iavi: What the hell?
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: He was plotting, as you all are! I will destroy each and everyone one of you!
Iavi: Champions. Idea time.
Mike P: He’s made of pure energy, right?
Iavi: Yes, yes.
Mike P: I absorb energy.
Iavi: Yes!
[Fadeaway is vaporized.]
Mike P: Only, it’s a passive thing. I need Shoshy Raphael to shoot me with his fire, and maybe Purple Lamp to shield me on the way up.
Xavier Malcolm: Of cour —
[Xavier Malcolm is cut off due to being vaporized, along with Baco and Antwon.]
Owen Reilly: Okay!
[Bukake and Logan Keanu Solo are vaporized.]
Iavi: Hurry, before we —
[Iavi is vaporized, along with Xig.]
Shoshy Raphael: Fly, you fool!
[Owen Reilly puts Shoshy Raphael and Mike P in one of his bubbles. As they fly up, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew is too busy vaporizing Edwin Cloudstar, the Animajor, Baggy Satan, and Jihad Man to care much about them. They reach the top and Mike P flies into the heart of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew.]
Mike P: It’s… it’s all tingly!
Shoshy Raphael: Are you ready?!
Mike P: Do it!
[Shoshy Raphael begins blasting Mike P with fire, and as he absorbs the fire, he also absorbs the energy form of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Mike P begins to pulsate with power.]
Mike P: Keep it up! He’s almost done!
Shoshy Raphael: I can’t! It’s burning my hand! I’ve never used it for so long before!
Owen Reilly: I’ll help!
[Owen Reilly uses his lamp of power to insulate Shoshy Raphael’s hand from the fire. Soon, the energy form of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew has almost completely dissipated.]
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: You cannot destroy me! I will return, stronger than I was —
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew is cut off by the last of his energy being channeled into Mike P. Shoshy Raphael lowers his hand.]
Mike P: Purple Lamp! Make a funnel thing pointing at the sky!
[Owen Reilly does so, and Mike P shoots the energy through it. A faint “flargy margy dargy” can be heard being shot off into space.]
Mike P: So we’re done?
Shoshy Raphael: It would certainly appear that way.
Owen Reilly: I’ll take us down.
[The trio of champions land upon the bloody battlefield. Shoshy Raphael nudges a body with his foot.]
Shoshy Raphael: It would appear we’re the only ones left alive.
Owen Reilly: Hooray?
Mike P: Sort of.
[The Embodiments appear, and the champions tense up, despite being battle-weary and wounded.]
Deity Guy: Calm down, calm down.
Mike P: You sent Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew to try to kill us! It took all our powers to stop him!
The Stupid: Yeah, you did us a favor, there.
Shoshy Raphael: I’ll do you a favor after I find the other four rings, you vile creature!
[Shoshy Raphael bends down and picks up a charred hand.]
Shoshy Raphael: No ring here!
Lamp Prime: Really, guys. We’re not here to hurt you.
Owen Reilly: Okay.
[Owen Reilly sits down on the ground, legs crossed.]
The Stupid: I’ll admit, that whole thing right there? It got a bit out of control towards the end there.
Shoshy Raphael: Out of control? OUT OF CONTROL?! Everyone who came here is dead but the three of us! That’s not out of control, it’s genocide!
Deity Guy: Nothing to worry about. Everything is balanced again now, so it’s all good.
Mike P: Everyone is still dead.
[In the realm between life and death, everyone has abandoned the line and begun milling around.]
Barry, He Who is Death: All right. All right. God, there’s a lot of you. Okay, organize yourselves by age. Oldest first.
[Brachiosaur stands defiantly at the back of the line, while Professor Nick stands at the front. After much conversation, everyone else just stands wherever.]
Barry: Come on, there’s no way a dinosaur is older than a guy.
Brachiosaur: Brachi!
Barry: What?
Wyandotte: He says he’s young at heart.
Barry: I don’t want his heart, I want his soul. But whatever, don’t make my life any easier. Okay, what’s your name?
Professor Nick: Professor Nick!
Barry: Last name?
[Professor Nick looks at him, befuddled.]
Professor Nick: Nick?
Barry: So your first name is Professor?
Professor Nick: Oh, heavens no! That would be silly.
Barry: So what is your first name?
Professor Nick: Nick!
[Barry sighs and looks at the crowd, noticing several people who continually give him trouble such as Leo Leopolous and Mister Frink.]
Barry: Are any of you not going to give me trouble with this?
[There is a murmur of answers, all negative. Barry face-palms.]
Barry: Okay. Okay. Let’s start with someone whose name doesn’t sound like a cartoon character. Steve Chaccierone. Why does that name sound so familiar?
Steve the Chach: Dude!
Barry: Oh god. Not one of you guys.
Steve the Chach: Jon! J-Horn! Jay Jay! Look who it is! Tall skinny guy! All right!
Jonathan Hortenz: Steve, that’s death.
Steve the Chach: Wait, so you’re dead?
Jonathan Hortenz: We’re all dead.
Steve the Chach: Dude. Duuuuuuuuuude. Dude. Wait, wait. Remember that other time we met? At that party?
Barry: Unfortunately.
Steve the Chach: We can do Animaniacs!
Barry: Be quiet about that!
Elvin Clovar: Wait, I think I know the episode he’s referring to!
Player One: Let us do Animaniacs!
Steve the Chach: Yeah! We can challenge you!
[The crowd begins chanting “Animaniacs” and shouting about the Animaniacs rule. Barry sighs.]
Barry: Fine. I need you all to think of a number between one and ten.
Professor Nick: Thirty-seven!
Brachiosaur: Brachi!
Graves: Go to hell!
Elvin Clovar: Negative six!
Metallic Spheroid: Pi!
[Barry looks blankly at the crowd, a feat easily accomplished since he has no eyes.]
Barry: What? You’re just a shape. No, no. Whatever. Oh hey, look at that. You all beat me. You all get to live.
[As everyone pops back to the world of the living, three more arrive. Captain Zimball and Diamond Destiny, now fully clothed and holding hands, look around nervously. The Righteous Smidgen feels his throat.]
Barry: Oh, come on! Where the hell did you three come from?
[Diamond Destiny looks Barry over and immediately drops Captain Zimball’s hand, sidling up to Barry and rubbing her hand over his sleeve. As she does so, she becomes horrified as she realizes only bone is underneath.]
Barry: Stop that, okay? Weren’t you three killed by Baggy Jesus whatever-his-face?
Righteous Smidgen: No. It was Agent Villain.
Barry: Really? You trusted someone with that name not to kill you. It’s your own fault. Please stop touching me, ma’am. I don’t even have any organs.
[Diamond Destiny stops touching Barry and pouts her way over to Captain Zimball. He puts his hand on her shoulder and she brushes it off.]
Barry: Anyway, I just let everyone else who died who wasn’t a time-clone pop back to the world of the living after they challenged me. You want to challenge me, or do you just want to go to the Afterlife?
Righteous Smidgen: I think I’d rather live.
Captain Zimball: I got things I need to do.
Diamond Destiny: Let us live and I’ll give you your wallet back.
[Diamond Destiny holds up a wallet, and Barry touches his pocket where his wallet, certainly, is not. Barry sighs, snaps his fingers, and his wallet is back in his pocket. He points to each of the dead in turn.]
Barry: Biff. Zam. Pow. See you jerks later.
[Back in the realm of the living, everyone suddenly pops back to life as if nothing ever happened.]
Deity Guy: See? No one is dead!
Mike P: But… what… how?
Lamp Prime: I’m feeling sort of down again… Mister Lucky is still dead.
[However, out of the shadows steps a familiar figure.]
Mister Lucky: Did someone say Mister Lucky?
[Elsewhere in the area, Doctor Derangemo teleports in, hurriedly brushing sandwich crumbs off his labcoat. Agent Villain slinks in next to the remaining agents of ZODIAC.]
Mister Lucky: I was never dead! It was a clone!
Shoshy Raphael: You inconsiderate fool! If you had just come clean about being alive, all of this could have probably been avoided!
Mister Lucky: I needed to make sure Agent Villain and the Stupid weren’t up to no good.
The Animajor: Did you find the Righteous Smidgen?
Righteous Smidgen: They did! I guess the Stupid was, in fact, evil. You leave and you learn!
Lamp Prime: You sure do!
[Everyone starts laughing heartily, save Mike P and Shoshy Raphael, who stare at the Embodiments and everyone else, who seem to not care that all the hardships experienced over the past few hours — indeed, the past few weeks — could have been avoided if one man hadn’t faked his death, and if another man had the good sense to realize that a being called the Stupid was, in fact, malevolent.]
Shoshy Raphael: Really! What the bloody hell is this?
Mike P: Seriously!
Deity Guy: Okay, okay. Calm down. We have prizes for you three, and one more for the guy who’s the grand winner of this whole thing!
The Stupid: First, Shoshy Raphael! If you really want to be the Embodiment of Evil, why not?
Shoshy Raphael: Truly?
The Stupid: Nope! You get this gold medallion! If you peel off the gold and look inside, look! It’s chocolate!
[Shoshy Raphael takes the chocolate, nibbles on it, and frowns.]
Shoshy Raphael: Oh. Goodie.
Deity Guy: Next, Mike P. We figured it was only fair for you to get a new resort.
Mike P: Really? Maybe I was wrong —
Deity Guy: Then we decided, nah! Why should we do that? Instead, here’s a gold medallion! If you peel the gold off this one, it’s chocolate!
[Mike P takes the chocolate and bites off a piece and chews. He scowls at the Embodiments.]
Mike P: Gee. Thanks.
Deity Guy: Is it good?
Mike P: [angrily] It’s delicious.
Lamp Prime: Finally, for Owen Reilly, here’s a gold medallion!
Owen Reilly: Oh boy! Is it chocolate?
Lamp Prime: It sure is!
Owen Reilly: ALL RIGHT!
Deity Guy: Now, for the final ultra-special prize. Mike P, you’re the ultra-winner since they kept going with your plans.
Mike P: Hooray. I won this thing last year and you didn’t give me what I wanted.
Deity Guy: Well, this year, you’re going to get a brand new resort on that island with all the heads!
Mike P: Oh. Thanks. Now I feel bad for conning JJ into being willing to foot the bill.
Deity Guy: As well you should! Congratulations! Now then, we hope everyone had a good time here this year, we’ll see you back next year for another tournament!
Iavi: Wait, that’s it? Everything’s all hunky-dory and everyone is friends again?
Lamp Prime: Pretty much.
Iavi: All right.
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: Toodles, everyone!
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew begins dancing a jig, and everyone claps and laughs. Mike P and Shoshy Raphael look in in disbelief, but as the now benign and diminutive bear continues, they both shrug and allow themselves to smile. As Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew dances, various beings are transported back to their homes.]

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MMM 2010: Finale #4

Posted by meekrat on July 29, 2010

Mike P: I’m pretty sure people might enjoy my thing.
Xig: What’s your thing?
[Mike P takes a deep breath and flies above the legion of challengers on his disc.]
Mike P: If you’ve got an energy weapon, shoot me with it!
[All the challengers with energy weapons begins shooting Mike P with them, some with much more enjoyment than others. Those without energy weapons attack Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew until Mike P begins glowing like a collapsing star. He turns towards Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, flies towards him, and begins unleashing the energy, forcing himself to keep flying as he does so lest the energy blast push him back. As the last of the excess energy leaves his body, Mike P allows himself to be pushed back. The energy blast seems to do the trick, and Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew screams in pain. At the lair of the Embodiments…]
The Stupid: More power! MORE POWER!
Deity Guy: We’re giving her all we’ve got!
The Stupid: You obviously aren’t! The meters are still… oh, wait. They stopped. We’re all now completely powerless!
Lamp Prime: Wait, wait. Really?
The Stupid: Yes! Though we can get our power back at any time by flicking this switch.
Deity Guy: There’s no switch there. In fact, the whole console has been replaced by a featureless purple cube-like shape.
The Stupid: That’s nonsense!
Lamp Prime: He’s right. Turn around.
[The Stupid turns around, and sees that the ghost machine has been replaced by a giant featureless purple cube-like shape.]
The Stupid: This… this wasn’t supposed to happen. Now, once Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew has destroyed our enemies, he’ll be able to destroy us as well! He’s basically become a malevolent deity! This is all my fault!
Deity Guy: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You had no idea this would happen.
The Stupid: Well, you see, shortly after Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew arrived, I sent someone into his head to stomp around and make him go insane. Apparently, this has also made him much more proactive in his defense.
[Deity Guy and Lamp Prime stare at the Stupid, who grins sheepishly.]
Deity Guy: Dude. What the hell?
[At the stadiums, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew transforms once again. This time, he becomes a giant blob-like creature with a tiny leprechaun hat perched upon it, with various pieces of robot, monkey, bear, leprechaun, and human shifting in and out of its mass. It also begins flinging things at the various challengers, and shooting bolts of various energies. While its accuracy leaves much to be desired, the sheer mass of attacks is proving to be fatal to many challengers. In a misguided attempt to lighten the mood, Charlie Charleston dances to the head of the crowd.]

Charlie Charleston: Charleston, Charleston, dah dah dadadah Charlie Charleston, I’m better than you!
[The the Charleston Hate Imp arrives nearly instantly, and due to his proximity to Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, is beefed up by the excess power. Instead of the small yet dangerous being he once was, he, too, becomes a hulking monstrosity. The crowd lets loose a collective groan, but then the the Charleston Hate Imp touches Charlie Charleston. Charlie Charleston is immediately set on fire, and begins to expand. The man’s eyes pop first, spraying goo all over the place. Next, the buttons on his suit begin popping off, their ricochets dooming several more challengers, until finally, Charlie Charleston’s flesh has been stretched as far as it will go and the man explodes, his flaming body parts landing all over the place. The Camel leaps into the air to grab an errant foot, and greedily begins shlurping the rest of what was once Charlie Charleston. Once he’s completed this, he notices how many more corpses there are, and sighs contentendly. The Thrifty Scouts fly out over the crowd to confront Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Mike P is none too pleased, especially since Elvin Clovar has convinced Perverto to hold aloft a boombox to blare the Thrifty Scouts Theme Song.]
Mike P: We saw you die! The Kzagnox totally killed you!
Thrifty Scout Asgard: Kawaii! It’s a good thing he didn’t get our special Thrifty Star Seeds! Now then, you big old monster, we will punish you!
[As the Thrifty Scouts are preparing to attack, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew focuses upon them, and with one blast, they’re disentegrated. Ethan Crane and Lord Tentacula join elbows and begin to dance with joy. Scoop Griswald runs around snapping photographs while Jonathan Hortenz, hit by one of Charlie Charleston’s shoes, has begun to drone on as if he was doing a DVD commentary of the battle. Steve the Chach is attempting to light Molotov cocktails using his bottles of Jaeger, a feat which proves impossible considering how he refuses to waste the Jaeger and empties each bottle beforehand. Danger Force sits around and laughs at everyone else as they run around, trying to dodge Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew’s attacks. The three champions continue to attack.]
Shoshy Raphael: I’d say this is hopeless!
Mike P: Not if we get a deus ex machina up in here!
[As if on cue, a light comes from the western sky, framing a figure on a mighty steed.]
Shoshy Raphael: Good god, is that — ?
Owen Reilly: It is! It is! Brachiosaur the White!
[Sure enough, Brachiosaur is riding into battle upon Wyandotte Thompson, much to Wyandotte’s chagrin. He is brandishing a relatively small sword which still dwarfs a man. Alongside him ride El Presidente on an especially large dog, Leo Leopolous astride his riding lion, Sexy Jiro on top of his gimp, the Cart King atop one of his carts, Jerald on his flying disc, Mister Frink on his gyrocopter, Cart King and Mad Monkey Jesus aboard the flying cross, and the Unibear on his unicycle.]
Unibear: Graaahnk!
[However, one by one the riders are cut down by errant blasts from Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew until only Unibear remains. He rolls up to Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew and looks up at the monstrous blob, half-heartedly scratching it.]
Unibear: Grahn.
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew pulsates, the movement being enough to crush the Unibear.]
Iavi: Well, boys, this isn’t how I thought I’d die, but it’s been nice knowing you, I guess.
Charleston Charge: We still have a chance, if only Edolie DePrit would show up. She usually shows up, then I save the day.
Mike P: We don’t have time to wait!
Charleston Charge: Sure we —
[Charleston Charge is suddenly hit with a beam of energy, falling to the ground.]
Shoshy Raphael: You did tell him we didn’t have time to wait.
[Off to the side, the Embodiment of Chaos steps out from between moments. He looks around.]
Embodiment of Chaos: Damn. Looks like I don’t even have to be here.
[He steps back. Other than the three champions, only a handful of challengers remain. This includes Edwin Cloudstar, Baco, Antwon, Iavi, Xig, Fadeaway, the Animajor, Xavier Malcolm, Logan Keanu Solo, Gerald, Jihad Man, Purga the Demon-Thing, the Bear Machine, and Bukake.]
Iavi: I think we should find cover, maybe think up a plan.
Edwin Cloudstar: Oh, forget plans. Get me one of those Purple Lamp bombs.
Mike P: What are you going to do?
Edwin Cloudstar: I’m going to jump into that thing and blow it up from the inside.
Shoshy Raphael: A good plan. I expect nothing less from my old foe.
Edwin Cloudstar: Don’t think I’ve forgotten what you tried to do.
Shoshy Raphael: I don’t.
[A bomb is made and given to Edwin Cloudstar.]
Edwin Cloudstar: I need one of you to get me up to the top so I can sink through.
Iavi: No. It’s a suicide mission.
Mike P: We’ll be fine, I’m sure. Besides, whoever does it can get really close to attack.
Shoshy Raphael: I suppose it’ll work.

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MMM 2010: Finale #3

Posted by meekrat on July 28, 2010

Owen Reilly: Save us, Mike P!
Mike P: Okay!
[Mike P hops on his flying disc and narrowly dodges the beast, shooting a steady barrage of energy blasts at the ceiling. Soon, pieces of it start falling randomly, many pieces falling upon the beast, the others hitting the floor, or bouncing harmlessly off Owen Reilly’s force-bubble. Suddenly, a chunk disengages itself from the rest of it and falls directly on top of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, pinning him to the ground. Mike P lands his flying disc by the other two champions.]
Mike P: I don’t think it’s over.
[At the lair of the Embodiments…]
The Stupid: Damn!
Deity Guy: What now? I think it’s about time we call it quits. I mean, it was fun while it lasted, but maybe now it’s best to get back to the daily grind.
Lamp Prime: Yes, I think that’s a fine idea.
The Stupid: No! The pathways of power have been opened! We shall channel our own power into Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew so that he will continue changing and become more and more powerful!
Deity Guy: More powerful and murderous. I thought he was supposed to challenge them, not kill them. I really don’t want anymore people to die.
The Stupid: The murderousness is for a completely different reason! Besides, these people abandoned us!
Lamp Prime: We were acting like jerks.
The Stupid: No reason for them to act like jerks to us! Besides, we can recall the power whenever we like!
Deity Guy: In that case, I guess I’ll go for it.
Lamp Prime: You can’t be serious.
Deity Guy: The man knows how to sell.
Lamp Prime: Fine. I’ll give my power, too.
The Stupid: Excellent! Let the transfer commence!
[Outside the stadiums, the trio of champions runs out to meet the other challengers.]
Charleston Charge: Hey! What was going on in there?
Mike P: You don’t want to know. We all need to get as far away from here as we can.
Mister Frink: You three appear to have things well in hand.
Shoshy Raphael: Listen to the green creature! We must away!
Owen Reilly: Yeah. It’s really bad, you guys.
Thomas Iavi: How bad can it be?
The Wiper: It’s Meekrat, isn’t it? You guys all brought us here for Meekrat!
[The Meerkat chooses this inopportune time to walk in, holding a glass of iced tea and sipping from it.]
Tom Phillipson: That’s right!
Bootman: Let’s give ’em the boot!
Robbin Hood: Shit, man! Let’s give ’em the whole damn foot!
The Wiper: That doesn’t make any sense, but okay!
Meerkat: Wait, what’s going on?
Tom Phillipson: The Meerkat/Meekrat connection!
[Many villains run after the Meerkat, who attempts to burrow underground. One of the villains grabs his foot, and they begin beating him mercilessly. Soon, they walk away, grim smiles on their faces, a beaten Meerkat left in their wake. Elvin Clovar looks upon him.]
Elvin Clovar: I’m just glad I’m not the one to get beaten to death this time.
The Wiper: Problem solved!
[Behind them, a colossal, even more monstrous version of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew stands up, larger than the former Megadome and the other two stadiums. He roars and all faces turn to it.]
Jerald: Oh my.
Iavi: You three champion people. We’re here to help in whatever way we can.
Shoshy Raphael: Ah, good, then at least we’ll all die around the same time.
Iavi: Buck up. We all know a thing or two about fighting, I’d think. Just give the word.
Owen Reilly: Which word?
[Iavi takes a deep breath and points at Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew.]
[The champions lead the charge, but are more than halfway towards their enemy when they turn and see less than half of the challengers following them. The rest have either decided not to do anything or attack each other, despite the clear and present danger. Iavi sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.]
Iavi: God damn it. You three go do whatever, I’ll get these guys on the same page.
Mike P: If you don’t hurry, that page will be the obituaries.
Iavi: Just go attack the monster, okay?
[Iavi darts into the melee and gets hit with a wave of deja vu, especially since he is doing so in an attempt to retrieve Kareem and Toddo once again. He quickly retrieves them, and takes them to the middle of the melee where, for some odd reason, there’s a perfect circle of peace. Iavi places the two children and they attempt to stop the battle through monologues. However, without any voice amplification equipment, their efforts are for naught. All seems lost when singing is heard. As the singing comes closer, the singer can be seen: a robot which looks like an ass with two legs, marching along with a very ragged and weary marching band behind him.]
Ass-Bot: Bum bum bum bedumbum — Bum! Bum, bum bedumdum, bum bum bumbum bum. Bum! Bum, bum bedumbum, bum bum dumdebum, bum dedumbum bum!
[As Ass-Bot marches through the melee, all participants stop and stare. Iavi, sensing an oppurtunity, signals Kareem and Toddo. Both gape, and fail to say anything, when Kareem manages to get some words out.]
Kareem: Good golly, but what the heck are all you guys doing?
Toddo: Seriously! There’s a giant monster over there who wants to kill us all!
[All the combatants talk amongst themselves as Ass-Bot and his marching band march away, with the marching band complaining in shifts the whole way. Eventually, an agreement is made and everyone begins running towards Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Elsewhile, the three champions look up at the towering monstrosity.]
Mike P: We really shouldn’t. I think this calls for a redux of our first successful attack.
Iavi: Which was?
Mike P: Either everyone with an energy attack bombards me so I can unleash a mega-attack, we fill up a Purple Lamp bomb with the energy, or we all distract Baggy Jesus while Shoshy leads an attack on his rear.
[Iavi runs up, with the Red Scare, Solana, and Xig. The legion of challengers stops behind them, many looking up at Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew and seriously reconsidering their life choices.]
Iavi: We’ll help in whatever way we can.

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MMM 2010 Finale #2

Posted by meekrat on July 27, 2010

Shoshy Raphael: I actually vote for your plan, since it means I get to shoot you.
Mike P: Just hurry up and do it!
[As Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew slowly walks towards the trio of champions, Shoshy Raphael shoots a steady stream of fire at Mike P while Owen Reilly shoots a beam of purple lamp energy. They continue and Mike P begins to glow a reddish purple. Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew comes closer and closer.]
Shoshy Raphael: Any time now!
Mike P: We only get one shot!
Shoshy Raphael: Then take it!
[Mike P sighs, and lets the energy loose upon Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. It continues erupting from his body for several minutes, at the end of which Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew is lying on the ground. Mike P walks over to him and pokes him with his foot.]
Mike P: I think he’s still alive. I have this feeling that this isn’t over, though.
[The Embodiments watch in amazement as their final weapon fails.]
The Stupid: We need more power! More ghosts!
Deity Guy: None are within range! Hold on, I’m getting something on the radar… it looks like someone is looking out for us!
[Outside, the challengers are all making their way toward the stadiums. Danger Force is horsing around towards the back, while everyone else is traveling in formation. The Paci Custodis have taken the perimeter, weapons at the ready should anything go down. The superheroes and supervillains walk slightly inward, some of them flying above the mass of people, ready to defend themselves if needed.]
Leroy Cancer: [staccato voice] How are you feeling?
Leo Leopolous: [mechanical voice] Let’s kill agents.
Leroy Cancer: [staccato voice] Good to hear. Troopers, status report.
Gemini Twin Trooper #1: Nothing to report, sir.
Leroy Cancer: [staccato voice] Good. Good.
The Pharaoh Pisces McCool: This feels right. Like the days of old.
Doctor Aquarius: It is. It’s a shame the others couldn’t be here.
[Captain Rocket Fumblecorn hovers overhead.]
Captain Rocket Fumblecorn: They got their reasons, no mistake.
[Suddenly, Leo Leopolous stops and his voice-box starts to crackle. He growls.]
Leo Leopolous: [mechanical voice] Let’s kill agents! Let’s kill agents! I like the taste of honey!
Doctor Aquarius: What’s wrong?
[Suddenly, the ghost of the time-clone of the Mastakat appears. The man’s face is filled with horror, and suddenly he is sucked away.]
Gemini Twin Trooper #2: Son of a bitch!
[Leroy Cancer and Captain Rocket Fumblecorn, being time-clones, are sucked away as well.]
Doctor Aquarius: Red Scare! Are you seeing this?
Red Scare: I see it! Look! It’s happening all over!
Agent Man-In-Charge: I’m sure we’ll all sleep more safely in our beds knowing their evil — hold on, what’s going on?
Agent Big Fish: I… don’t feel thirsty.
Agent Pheromone: You always feel thirsty.
Agent Seven-In-One: This can’t be good.
[All four CAST agents are sucked away. Around them, more and more people begin to take notice.]
Jerald: What the blazes is happening here?
Purga the Demon-Thing: Those fools! If they’ve done what I think they’ve done…
[Cowboy Santa and Elfie are riding alongside Jimmy Swift. Snippley Marrowind trails behind, twirling his mustache and fingering a spherical bomb within his coat.]
Jimmy Swift: You had one final lesson to teach me, Cowboy Santa. What was it?
Cowboy Santa: You were on the naughty list when we first met, but over these past few months, I’ve checked my list twice and now, you’re almost on the nice list. The final lesson — uh oh!
[Cowboy Santa puts his finger against his nose as he and Elfie are sucked away. Snippley Marrowind, too, is sucked away, as well as the time-clone of Horatio Chan.]
Jimmy Swift: Cowboy Santa?! NO!
[ Murgatroyd is walking alongside Honky Kong and Fahktard Kahnt, continually punching the pained primate. Shizamablam! walks a little ways behind, wary of his enemies. Shizamablock walks alongside him. Suddenly, Honky Kong, Fahktard Kahnt, and Shizamablam! start to be sucked away.]
Honky Kong: Aw jeez! It feels like my skin’s being torn off! So nice!
[Shizamablock notices that Shizamablam! is well and truly gone now.]
Shizamablock: Ah. Thank god he’s gone. I be black, but I ain’t nearly black as him.
[Tim Aneric, a comedian who wears a sheet over himself, steps up to Shizamablock.]
Tim Aneric: You know what else is black?
Shizamablock: I ain’t got time for you.
Tim Aneric: A crayon! Oh!
[Suddenly, Tim Aneric is sucked away. This time, we follow his path as he is pulled from the crowd and winds up clogging the machine some distance away, which had mistaken him for being a real ghost.]
Deity Guy: Is that enough power?
The Stupid: Yes! Open the pathways! It’s time to super-charge Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew!
[In the Megadome, the trio are walking out of the stadium when they hear a low rumbling behind them. Suddenly, the Contrivance Hawk explodes, throwing them to the ground. As they roll onto their backs, they see a monstrous figure rise from the burning wreckage: Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew’s second, more monstrous, form. He lets out a roar, ending with a faint “flargy dargy margy”.]

Mike P: They really want to kill us, don’t they?
Shoshy Raphael: Oh yes. They want to kill us in the worst way.
Owen Reilly: I really don’t want to die.
[Outside, the crowds see the destruction of the Megadome and stop for a moment.]
Graves: I vote we don’t keep going.
Logan Keanu Solo: We have to keep going. They might need our help.
Graves: Look, we can come back and bury the bodies when that thing is gone, right?
Thomas Iavi: After it’s done with them, it’s bound to come after us.
Graves: So it’s that thing or me? Hope it’s not bullet-proof.
[Back inside, the trio of champions watch as the monstrous Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew walks towards them, roaring with each step.]
Shoshy Raphael: Hold on, it looks like it’s still getting used to its new proportions.
Mike P: If we hit it quick, we might not die!
Owen Reilly: I like that plan.
Mike P: Yes! Plans of attack, quick!
Owen Reilly: I could use my Purple Lamp to throw a bunch of stuff at him.
Shoshy Raphael: Good, good! I could create an explosion under him using my ring. It would knock him off-balance.
Mike P: Super! I could use my hat to shoot at what’s left of the roof, make it fall down on him.
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew roars.]
Shoshy Raphael: Whatever we decide, it better be quick!

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MMM 2010: Finale

Posted by meekrat on July 26, 2010

[Morning breaks. Many of the challengers failed to sleep, and those who did failed to sleep well with one or two exceptions. The only one who is noticably awake is Shoshy Raphael, who stealthily makes his way around the grounds to find the other two champions. The first he finds is Owen Reilly was one of the exceptions, as his Lamp of Power allowed him to hover in a comfortable position through the night. He is currently curled up like a child, very nearly sucking his thumb as he cradles his Lamp of Power. Shoshy Raphael taps him with his ivory cane, speaking in a harsh whisper.]
Shoshy Raphael: Wake up! Wake up, you dolt!
[Owen Reilly stirs and opens one eye.]
Owen Reilly: Five more minutes.
Shoshy Raphael: No! The sooner you wake up and come with me, the sooner we can be rid of this infernal place. You can go back to your home and sleep in your own bed!
Owen Reilly: I’m living on an island with a bunch of leaves on the ground for a bed.
[Shoshy Raphael ponders this for a moment.]
Shoshy Raphael: If you wake up and come with me, I’ll buy you a cot!
Owen Reilly: Okay.
[Owen Reilly rotates until his feet are on the ground.]
Owen Reilly: Can I name the kitty Oasis Triplicate?
Shoshy Raphael: What? I said cot, not cat.
Owen Reilly: Oh. I thought it was just your accent.
Shoshy Raphael: Whatever! Just follow me, we have to find the other one.
Owen Reilly: Mike P is over there.
[Owen Reilly points to a hill, where Mike P is laying on his flying disc. The Kzagnox is curled up next to him, while Nico sits on the other side. Shoshy Raphael and Owen Reilly nervously approach.]
Shoshy Raphael: Michael! Michael!
[Mike P sighs, then sits up.]
Mike P: It’s pretty much impossible to sleep here. What do you want?
Shoshy Raphael: Purple Lamp and I are off to petition the Embodiments for safe passage home.
Mike P: Oh. Sounds like a good idea. I’ll bring my flying disc.
Shoshy Raphael: What about your pets?
Mike P: What? Oh. Nico and the Kzagnox are more companion than pet. They’ll stay here. Nico, when people decide to start waking up, tell them where we’ve gone, okay?
[Nico nods. Shoshy Raphael wonders how the robot will tell anyone anything, but decides it will probably be a non-issue.]
Mike P: Okay. Maybe Purple Lamp should float us there in a forcefield bubble? Just in case.
Shoshy Raphael: Good idea.
Owen Reilly: Okey-dokey!
[A force-field bubble forms around the trio of champions and it floats towards the stadiums. No attack is made, and the stadiums have become derelict and abandoned.]
Shoshy Raphael: We’ve been gone for little over a day. How did this happen?
Mike P: My guess is that they thought it would look neat. Hopefully, they’re still here.
Owen Reilly: My lamp is picking up something!
[The Stupid appears before them, no longer burning with the rage of a thousand fires. He appears as he normally does.]
The Stupid: I’m guessing you three are here because you won, and figured you’d petition for your safe passage back home and all that.
Shoshy Raphael: Yes.
The Stupid: You’ve won your various events, come to the top of your teams, but you know what? That’s not good enough for us. We won’t recognize you unless you best one final event.
Mike P: What kind of event?
The Stupid: O-ho! That… that would be telling.
[The Stupid vanishes, leaving the three champions to ponder what’s in store. Meanwhile, back at the camp, Mike Q, Melman, and Fost are wandering around and trying to pick the pockets of various people. This is proving a difficult task, as they lack fingers and the necessary manual dexterity to pick a pocket. They wind up annoying many people, however, which suits them just fine. They come to where the Kzagnox and Nico are.]
Mike Q: Where the **** did that ****** Mike P go?
Fost: Who cares, so long as he’s gone? Good riddance, too.
Melman: Indeed, sir.
[Nico turns to them and starts moving his arms up and down and nodding his head. All three Abroconians stare at the robot.]
Mike Q: I don’t see why the **** we should give a ****.
Fost: You don’t think they’ve wandered into a trap, do you?
Mike Q: I ******* hope they did. ********.
Melman: If they went to try and petition for our safe passage home, then it stands to reason that the Embodiments may be none too pleased with our collective actions. Therefore, they may try to do harm to Mike P, Purple Lamp, and Shoshy Raphael. While I agree that this would normally be beneath our notice, I have an inkling that whatever they’ve wandered into may require our collective assistance in order to not result in their murders.
Mike Q: What?
[Melman sighs.]
Melman: We should help them, since they’re trying to help us, and they probably need it.
Fost: Just us?
Melman: It would stand to reason that they may require our collective help.
Fost: So just us.
Melman: I refer to “we” as being everyone here. We, meaning the three of us and perhaps the robot, should start waking people up.
[The other two Abroconians shrug, and start shaking people awake with great vigor. Back at the stadiums, the champions are beginning to get nervous.]
Mike P: This whole thing is starting to creep me out.
Owen Reilly: It’s probably okay. I still have my bubble.
Shoshy Raphael: Let’s hope your bubble doesn’t burst. We should —
[The cry echoes around the champions and the forlorn stadiums.]
Shoshy Raphael: What the hell was that?
Mike P: It sounds… familiar.
[Once again, the cry echoes.]
Mike P: I swear I’ve heard that before…
Purple Lamp: Look! In the shadows!
[A figure steps from the shadows. It is a short figure, with the features of a leprechaun, bear, monkey, robot, hobo, Jew, Jesus, homosexual, Purple Lamp, and various other things. It looks, in short, like this:]

[The creature never stops moving, always striking a pose or doing a little dance.]
Mike P: You!
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: Indeed, tis I, chaverim! Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew!
Shoshy Raphael: I see. Are you here to show us our final event?
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: I am your final event! Defeat me to claim the prize!
[The three champions look at each other, and Mike P steps forward and pushes Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew to the ground.]
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: Congratulations! I’ve been defeated!
Shoshy Raphael: That was anticlimactic.
Mike P: Almost too anticlimactic!
[Elsewhere, the Embodiments watch.]
Deity Guy: What the hell was that?
The Stupid: I thought he would be more formidible.
Lamp Prime: He’s one of the most powerful non-embodiment beings in this universe. He just doesn’t like confrontation.
The Stupid: Good thing we’ve taken steps to fix that! Deity Guy, the machine!
[Deity Guy pulls a lever on a massive machine. Howard Cosell, Lincoln Prime, Comte Saint Germain, Don Quixote, and the Ghost of Charlemagne all swirl for a moment and the power is channeled into Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Outside, the being leaps up and punches Mike P in the face, knocking him back. He disables Owen Reilly’s force-bubble and does a cartwheel towards him, launching himself at the Purple Lamp, knocking him down. He then leaps to Shoshy Raphael, spinning through the air, hitting him several times with a roundhouse kick. Shoshy Raphael falls to the ground. Mike P runs to his fellow champions and drags them away from the spinning dervish of destruction Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew has become. Once Owen Reilly and Shoshy Raphael are back on their feet, the trio run into the remains of Deity Guy’s Megadome.]
Owen Reilly: That was weird and scary.
Mike P: Nothing to worry about. He just got violent, is all.
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: EEHEEHEE! FLARGY DARGY MARGY!
[The cry echoes through the Megadome, chilling the three champions to their cores. Moments later, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew’s airship, the Contrivance Hawk, crashes through the far wall. Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew leaps from it, leaving a small crater in his wake. He stands up and walks slowly towards the champions, his red eyes glowing with murderous intent.]
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: Be afraid, my friends! Be very afraid!
Owen Reilly: I already am. What are we going to do?
Shoshy Raphael: This will take some strategy! I, for one, think a sneak attack would work well. You two take his front, I sneak around the back and unleash a torrent of flames upon his person!
Owen Reilly: I think I should make a bubble, and then Mike P shoots energy into the bubble, and then Mister Raphael shoots his fire into the bubble, and then it’s a bomb, and then I throw it at him.
Mike P: You guys could just bombard me with energy, then I’ll unleash it all on him. Whatever we choose to do, we better choose fast, because here he comes…

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MMM Event #92: Resolution

Posted by meekrat on July 26, 2010

[Charleston Charge and Owen Reilly sit on the ground with a make-shift checkers set in front of them.]
Charleston Charge: Why couldn’t you just materialize a set with your lamp? Maybe some chairs and a table, too.
Owen Reilly: I have to concentrate to make things with my lamp.
Charleston Charge: You couldn’t concentrate enough to make all those things and play checkers?
[Owen Reilly, however, was not listening, instead concentrating on his opening move. After two minutes, he looks up.]
Owen Reilly: What?
Charleston Charge: Never mind.
[Owen Reilly turns his attention back to the checkerboard, and after three minutes, moves one of his pieces forward, then moves it back and shakes his head. Charleston Charge leans back to get more comfortable. One minute later, Owen Reilly moves the same checker, this time leaving the piece. He crosses his arms and smiles.]
Owen Reilly: Your turn!
[Charleston Charge looks at the checkerboard for ten seconds and moves a piece.]
Charleston Charge: Your turn.
[The process begins again, with Owen Reilly thinking deeply about his next move. The minutes click by slowly, with many false moves, until he finally moves one of his checkers.]
Owen Reilly: Your turn! This sure is fun.
Charleston Charge: Hrm? Oh. Yeah. Okay.
[Charleston Charge moves one of his pieces.]
Charleston Charge: Fun on the bun.
[So it continues, with Owen Reilly taking at least ten minutes with each move, and Charleston Charge moving his pieces without a second thought. Eventually a crowd gathers, as there’s not much else to watch. The other two events are long over, and only this match remains to decide the third champion.]
Shoshy Raphael: Who’s winning?
Jonathan Hortenz: No one. No one is winning. My god, no one has even made an attack yet.
Shoshy Raphael: You have to admire the suspense.
Mike P: This ceased being suspenseful when night fell. Now it’s just frustrating. Right, Nico?
[Nico does not respond, yet Mike P smiles and chuckles.]
Mike P: You said it!
[Several of the people around Mike P slowly step away.]
Shoshy Raphael: He’s one of the winners?
Red Scare: Yes. If you’re lucky, the dumb one will win this event. No one will miss them.
Shoshy Raphael: Dumb and crazy. The perfect qualities for henchmen.
[The match continues until Owen Reilly jumps one of Charleston Charge’s pieces, and another, and another, so on and so on. Whether by luck or design, the pieces had been set up to allow Owen Reilly to jump all of Charleston Charge’s pieces in one turn. Charleston Charge looks at the board, now devoid of his pieces, then at Owen Reilly, who is smiling.]
Owen Reilly: King me!
Charleston Charge: How did you… what…
Thomas Iavi: It looks like you still have a thing or two to learn, kid. Slow and steady wins the race, and all that. Congratulations, Owen, you’re the winner of the forces of Good.
Owen Reilly: Hooray!

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MMM Event #91: Resolution

Posted by meekrat on July 26, 2010

Shoshy Raphael: You know, I’m not entirely certain this is a fair contest. He’s a lion riding another lion, after all. I’m merely human. Well, humanoid, at the very least.
Red Scare: All the more reason for you to get hunting. Look, Leopolous is already on the prowl.
[Sure enough, Leo Leopolous is crouched behind the slumbering form of Disco. The Kzagnox sits on the other side of the golden giant, totally unaware that he is intended to be prey. With a low growl, Leo Leopolous pounces over Disco with a roar. While his animalistic instincts let him know that something is very wrong with the Kzagnox sees and hears him coming but refuses to move, the rational side of his mind spurs him on to win the competition and to once again become the champion of Evil. At the apex of his leap, the Kzagnox rolls into a ball, and so when Leo Leopolous lands, he merely bounces the Kzagnox a few feet away. Once again, his instincts and rational mind are at war: his instincts tell him to play, while his rational mind tells him that it doesn’t become a champion of evil to playfully swat a ball around. This time, his instincts win out, and he bats the Kzagnox away. From behind Disco, Shoshy Raphael and Red Scare watch.]
Red Scare: I’d get over there if I were you. Leo is about to win.
Shoshy Raphael: The creature didn’t run.
Red Scare: It did curl into a ball.
Shoshy Raphael: Yes, but… something about this doesn’t feel right.
[Challengers of good, evil, and neutrality watch as Leo Leopolous playfully swats the Kzagnox around. All hearts are warmed, including those of his erstwhile enemies, CAST. The only ones not to watch are the ones currently busy with other events. Jerald, for example, is indeed watching.]
Jerald: Well, it does my heart good to see such a sight after all we’ve been through the past few weeks. I wonder where he got the ball, though.
[As Jerald focuses on the ball, he realizes that this is the Kzagnox, and that Leo Leopolous is in grave danger. Before Jerald can warn the lion, the Kzagnox uncoils and lashes out at Leo Leopolous with his sharp beak, followed by swipes from his talons. Leo Leopolous hardly has time to react, but manages to escape the Kzagnox with only these minor injuries. All the morale boosting this had done is instantly undone.]
Shoshy Raphael: See? I told you something was fishy.
Red Scare: It’s still your event. Just go grab the little monster and let go of it before it can savage you.
[The camp is mostly silent, save for those participating in the other events, as Shoshy Raphael gingerly steps towards the Kzagnox. It turns its emotionless eyes upon him, and Shoshy Raphael is filled with dread, and each step becomes more labored. Eventually, he is mere steps away, and he reaches slowly for the Kzagnox. A lamprey-like appendage emereges from its mouth and wiggles around, then goes back in.]
Shoshy Raphael: I’ve seen things that would make heaven and hell quiver, but you? You take the cake.
[Knowing only that he doesn’t want to touch the creature, Shoshy Raphael reluctantly removes the fur-lined white coat which is usually draped over his shoulders.]
Shoshy Raphael: I only pray that he doesn’t savage it. It’s not as if I can just go out and kill another white biffa to make a new one.
[With one quick movement, Shoshy Raphael sweeps up the creature in his coat and holds it aloft. He can feel the creature struggling inside, but then it stops.]
Red Scare: You win, I suppose. Congratulations.
[Shoshy Raphael lets the Kzagnox go, and it hops towards Mike P, still participating in his event. Shoshy Raphael inspects his coat, finds it unharmed, and drapes it over his shoulders.]
Shoshy Raphael: I suppose now I shall have to confront the Embodiments, force them to send us home.
Red Scare: Perhaps wait until the other two challenges are over?
Shoshy Raphael: You still doubt my abilities?
Red Scare: I was thinking more along the lines of cannon fodder, just in case.
Shoshy Raphael: Splendid idea.

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