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Where mayhem is the man-fish!

Posts Tagged ‘Perverto’

A Better Place

Posted by meekrat on September 30, 2010

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MMM 2010: Epilog

Posted by meekrat on August 4, 2010

[In Detroit, Logan Keanu Solo and his group of Paci Custodis appear in their kitchen. Clarence Claybourne and Graves sit down and begin eating bowls of Frosted Flakes, while Shrugs takes his Mister Lucky scarecrow outside. Logan Keanu Solo stretches and goes to watch television, but Player One looks around for a few moments, and then runs up to his room. There is no one there, and he sits down on his bed, takes off his goggles, and begins to cry. Jimmy Swift comes to his door and knocks.]
Jimmy Swift: Hey. You all right?
Player One: Oh god. You’re hear to make fun of me or something, aren’t you?
[Jimmy Swift takes a chair, the only one not covered with video game paraphernalia, and sits on it.]
Jimmy Swift: Not this time. I mean, I spent a lot of time with Cowboy Santa and Elfie after my events were over, and then they just got ripped away from me. He was like a father to me in the short time I knew him. I’ll get over it, though. I have to. You, though, you lost your three closest friends, am I right?
Player One: Yeah. I didn’t even think to ask Player Three and Four where they are, and I know where Player Two is, but there’s no way I can get to Cleveland. I tried once, but I got as far as the bus depot before I had to turn back.
Jimmy Swift: The important thing is that you know they’re still there, and now all of you can look for each other together. Or something. You can find them, is what I’m saying.
Player One: You’re right. I’m going to actually make a plan and all that! Look out, world! Here I come!
Jimmy Swift: That’s the spirit! Now buck up and start planning!
Player One: Why don’t you always act like this?
Jimmy Swift: I don’t like it. And if you ever tell anyone about me doing this, I swear to God I’ll kill you myself.
Player One: Understood.

[In the seventies, the super-spy group known as CAST are having a mission briefing. Suddenly, Agent Man-In-Charge feels a cold shiver run down his spine.]
Agent Pheromone: What’s wrong, boss-man?
Agent Man-In-Charge: I feel as if someone just tore a version of me from the past, forced it to participate in inane competitions, and then finally used it to power a machine designed to channel the power from extra-dimensional entities into a fat little bear.
Agent Seven-In-One: Spooky. I just had the same feeling. What about you, Agent Villain?
[Agent Villain stands in the corner, cleaning his fingernails with his knife.]
Agent Villain: Hmm?
Agent Seven-In-One: Did you feel all those things?
[Agent Villain sheathes his knife and shrugs.]
Agent Villain: No. I didn’t feel a thing.

[Mike P, Owen Reilly, Ethan Crane, Pikapunk, Antwon, and Cinco de Mayo arrive on the god-head island. A dirty unshaven figure runs out of the woods, his clothes torn, carrying a sharpened stick.]
Mike P: JJ?
JJ: Oh thank god! Where have you guys been? There weren’t any heads, thank God, but still, you guys were gone for so long! Where were you?
Jerald: We’re not at liberty to discuss that with you. Who are you, anyway?
JJ: Who are you?
[Jerald and JJ scowl at each other. JJ stops as his eyes widen.]
JJ: Oh! Like an hour ago, a bunch of buildings just popped out of nowhere.
Mike P: That was supposed to happen, sort of.
JJ: Okay. So it’s not crazy island stuff?
Mike P: Not really. Are they nice?
JJ: I guess. Completely empty, but nice.
Ethan Crane: No televisions?
JJ: Not one. No furniture at all.
Mike P: Looks like we’ll be going shopping soon, then.
JJ: I’ll be footing the bill for that?
Mike P: You bet.

[Mister Lucky and the Archaic English Society arrive in front of the Spire.]
Mister Lucky: Good to be back home, I guess. What an adventure that was, wasn’t it?
Amorphous Blob: We died.
Mister Lucky: Sure did. Important thing is that we’re all back now. Me, you, Hamilton, Nick, Matt, and weird red creature.
Professor Nick: What was that last one?
Mister Lucky: Weird red creature.
Baco: Oh yes! I’ve finally found where I belong, among English majors! What a happy day indeed!
Mister Lucky: Were you… supposed to come back with us?
Baco: Oh, no. I think I was supposed to go with Mike P and his crew, but I hitched a ride with you lot instead.
Mister Lucky: You could do that?
Professor Nick: I wish I had known! I would have gone with that young lady with the napkins covering her naughty bits.
Mister Lucky: [sighing] You’re welcome to stay for a bit, I guess.
Baco: I have plenty of places I could go, and was planning on staying regardless of your permission. Now then, where’s your library? There’s a book I’ve been meaning to read…

[The Animajor and the Righteous Smidgen appear in the middle of rural America, along with Perverto.]
The Animajor: Why were we all sent here?
Righteous Smidgen: I think it’s because none of us were pulled from anywhere. We just showed up.
Perverto: Whatevs! Smell you later!
[Perverto leaves, plodding towards the sunrise. A farmer grazing his cattle in the surrounding fields sees Perverto, screams out something about an alien invasion, pushes over one of his cows, slices open its belly, and tries his best to hide inside.]
The Animajor: [turning to the Righteous Smidgen] So what will you do?
Righteous Smidgen: I think I’ll go visit the Paragon People. Perhaps they’ll let me stay with them for a bit, perhaps be on their team. What will you do?
The Animajor: I don’t want to be considered a villain. I’d like to be a hero, so I think I’ll work on that. At the very least, perhaps work my way up to anti-hero status. If you know where the Paragon People are located, I could possibly drop you off…
Righteous Smidgen: Captain Depresso said they were currently based in a town in Indiana. Woburn, I think he said.
The Animajor: All right. Off to Woburn, Indiana, then.
[The Animajor picks up the Righteous Smidgen, holds the diminutive hero in his hand, and away they go.]

[Back in Detroit, Shoshy Raphael enters city hall. The secretary looks up at him.]
Secretary: One moment please.
[The secretary looks down at the desk and concentrates on her work for only a few seconds before she realizes to whom she was speaking. She looks back up at Shoshy Raphael, smiling nervously.]
Secretary: Mister Raphael! We didn’t expect to see you back!
Shoshy Raphael: Obviously not. Now then, what’s occurred while I’ve been away?
Secretary: Crime went way down, which was good. So did super heroic activity, which should make you happy because I know you don’t appreciate the superheroes. The hospital opened their new wing, a new library opened, an older library burned down, and you were replaced.
Shoshy Raphael: Very good. I’ll be in my office if you need me.
[Shoshy Raphael takes three steps, stops, blinks, then turns suddenly to his secretary.]
Shoshy Raphael: I’ve been replaced?! You can’t replace me! I’m the mayor!
Secretary: “Were” the mayor. Sorry, Mister Raphael. Your successor, a Mister Hain —
Shoshy Raphael: [stroking his chin] Hain. Hain? The name doesn’t–wait, you mean the costume shop mogul? That “Mister Hain”?
Secretary: The costume shop mogul and new mayor of Detroit, Mister Raphael. Anyway, Mister Hain said there’s a room for you in his mansion should you need it.
Shoshy Raphael: Let me guess. His mansion is actually MY mansion.
Secretary: “Was” your mansion. Again, sorry, Mister Raphael. Oh, I almost forgot! Mister Hain also insisted that I hand this message to you personally.
Shoshy Raphael: [sighing] Well, I might as well take a look at it.
[The secretary hands over an envelope, sealed with the mayor’s wax stamp.]
Shoshy Raphael: [mumbling] Hain already has a mansion. No reason he needs two of them.
[Shoshy Raphael heads outside, opens the letter, and reads it over once, twice, and a third time.]
Shoshy Raphael: Hm. What an interesting offer, I must say. Almost makes being ousted from office worth it.
[With a grin, Shoshy Raphael folds the letter and places it into his pocket. Walking forward, Shoshy Raphael melts into the bustling crowds roaming the streets of downtown Detroit as the early morning sun rises into the daytime sky.]

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MMM 2010 Finale: Interlude

Posted by meekrat on August 2, 2010

[Meanwhile, on the air submarine…]
Doctor Derangemo: We’re going to crash! Hahahaha!! Isn’t this FUN?!
Captain Zimball: No, this shit ain’t fun at all! The hell’s goin’ on out there?!
[Diamond Destiny grips for Captain Zimball’s crotch, but Captain Zimball moves fast enough to avoid her errant hand.]
Captain Zimball: Damn, girl, shit ain’t right. We about to die!
Diamond Destiny: I don’t care! I’ve never had a black man before, and I won’t die without experiencing the joys of one!
Captain Zimball: I ain’t never had a white girl before, neither…
[Neither really caring or knowing that the other one is lying, Captain Zimball looks deep into Diamond Destiny’s glittering green eyes, and she into his dark brown eyes. Without warning, the air submarine dives as Captain Zimball and Diamond Destiny meet in a lusty embrace. Doctor Derangemo stands by and watches for a moment as the two strip naked before him. Doctor Derangemo‘s expression goes from disgusted to blank, then his eyes light up.]
Doctor Derangemo: That reminds me! I need to clean the oven! Off to the kitchen!
[As Doctor Derangemo leaves, Agent Villain slides in, the shadows covering his movement. He pulls a gun from the holster at his side and screws the silencer into the barrel. Two pulls of the trigger later, Captain Zimball and Diamond Destiny are dead, theirs becoming the ultimate story of coitus interruptus. Agent Villain walks over to the ship’s console, kicking the bodies as he goes, and sits down. Immediately, he takes control of the weapons and starts pushing buttons. The ship’s lasers blast away bits and pieces of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew‘s gray matter, causing more chaos outside. Agent Villain chuckles to himself as he imagines the sweet destruction that will ensue as a result of his machinations — that is, he imagines this until a familiar voice calls from behind him.]
Mister Lucky: I knew I’d find you here, Agent Villain. Time to put and end to your evil once and for all!
[Earlier…]
Loveland Frog: So, uh, what’ll you have? Ribbit.
[At the center of the chaos stands a small pub built with scrap metal, stray boulders, and wooden planks left over from the ill-fated war a few rounds ago. Bottles of alcohol adorn the shelf, each lifted from Deity Guy’s liquor closet. Behind the counter stands the Loveland Frog, his once-pristine tuxedo now ripped and tattered as a result of minor quakes and cave-ins due to the violence outside. Sitting at the splintered wooden tables are the stripper-turned-thief Diamond Destiny, the members of the bar-hopping super team known as Danger Force, Tom and Brendan Phillipson, and the mad scientist Doctor Derangemo. Standing at the counter is Captain Zimball, freelance sea captain, zombie hunter extraordinaire, and member of the Astounding Superhero Syndicate.]
Captain Zimball: Rum.
[The most calm and collected member of Danger Force, J-Mike, approaches the counter quietly — his scars, tattoos, army camoflauge pants, and leather jacket painting him as a complete bad ass. After the Loveland Frog gives Captain Zimball his drink, Captain Zimball takes a seat at a table near the Philipsons and Diamond Destiny. Captain Zimball looks at Diamond Destiny, catches her eye, and winks as he holds up his drink, smiling. Diamond Destiny huffs, pouting her lips, and turns her head away to look at the Danger Force: the suave and alluring member, T-Bone; the ruggedly handsome and charismatic R-Man; the persuasive and intellectually intense J-Jeff; the massive, muscular giant called Chops; and, at the counter, the bad boy bad ass known as J-Mike. Doctor Derangemo sips absently at his ginger ale, his mind occupied with an electronic Sudoku puzzler. Captain Zimball smirks to himself, shakes his head, takes a swig of his rum, and listens to the conversations.]
Tom Phillipson: No, dude, you don’t understand. The Holocaust didn’t happen.
Brendan Phillipson: I respectfully disagree.
Loveland Frog: And what can I —
J-Mike: Yeah, heya, Kermit. Listen, I’m gonna need a rum and coke. Hold the fucking ice, though. That shit bruises the alcohol, you know?
[J-Jeff, overhearing the conversation behind him, turns away from his Danger Force comrades and speaks, the alcohol in his blood pushing his ability to argue his point elegantly beyond what is normally considered human.]
J-Jeff: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. What the fuck do you mean? Of course the Holocaust happened.
Tom Phillipson: Nuh uh. Didn’t happen.
J-Jeff: [turning his chair to face Tom] Bullshit. Explain.
[The Loveland Frog turns his back to J-Mike and mixes his drink.]
Loveland Frog: That’ll be two dollars, ribbit.
J-Mike: [pulling out his checkbook] Two bucks? You better make a damn good drink, Frenchy. Take a check?
Loveland Frog: No. Cash only.
[Brendan Phillipson throws his hands up in the air and gets up from the table. He approaches the counter. Back at the Danger Force table, T-Bone slides his tongue in and out of his mouth, insinuating cunilingus in the direction of Diamond Destiny. R-Man chugs Russian Stout after Russian Stout in an attempt to gain clarity through inebriation. Chops shovels handful upon handful of crab legs into his mouth. Tom Phillipson continues to argue with J-Jeff.]
Tom Phillipson: Like, it’s so obvious. Remember all the videos of the Holocaust?
J-Jeff: Of course I do. That shit’s been burned into my mind. I couldn’t forget it if I wanted.
Tom Phillipson: Well, notice how no one was dancing around when they were rescued?
J-Jeff: Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do.
Tom Phillipson: If the Holocaust happened, why weren’t the victims celebrating?
[If J-Jeff’s eyes shot lasers, his glare would bore a hole into Tom Phillipson’s skull.]
J-Jeff: That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
Tom Phillipson: No need to be profane, dude. If you disagree, be respectful —
J-Jeff: No, fuck that, and fuck you. You know why no one was celebrating? Because they hadn’t fucking eaten in three years, that’s why!
Tom Phillipson: That’s not true, though. It’s on record that they were fed sawdust and stuff.
[Brendan Phillipson taps the counter impatiently with his two golden presidential dollars.]
Brendan Phillipson: Ahem.
J-Mike: Cash only? What the fuck?
Loveland Frog: Yes, cash only. We’re on the verge of apocalypse. Ribbit. Checks and credit are no good here.
J-Mike: I don’t fucking believe this.
Brendan Phillipson: AHEM.
J-Mike: [turning to Brendan Phillipson] What the fuck do you want, freckles?
Brendan Phillipson: Hey, don’t be so defensive.
J-Mike: Defensive? I’ll show you defensive.
[J-Mike grabs an empty beer bottle from the counter and breaks it over Brendan Phillipson’s head. The freckled conspiracy theorist falls to the ground, his head pouring blood and his eyes welling with tears. J-Mike takes the two gold dollars left behind and slides them to a now nervous Loveland Frog.]
J-Mike: Here’s your two fucking dollars. Where’s my God damned rum and coke?
[Back at the tables, Captain Zimball closes his eyes and imagines he’s somewhere else. Doctor Derangemo mouths false obscenities such as “tiddlywinks” in anger at his electronic sudoku puzzle. Diamond Destiny and T-Bone embrace as Diamond Destiny picks T-Bone’s pockets. R-Man and Chops laugh at the argument between J-Jeff and Tom Phillipson.]
J-Jeff: Sawdust? SAWDUST? You little fucking prick, I should turn you inside-out for even thinking that sawdust is a part of a balanced fucking diet.
Tom Phillipson: Okay, you know what? You’re really not playing nice, here, so I’m just going to get up and walk away.
[Tom Phillipson leaves the table and walks across the room to the bathroom. After about a minute, J-Jeff, with a look of determination on his face, follows Tom Phillipson into the bathroom. As the door swings, all that can be heard is J-Jeff screaming “The Jews!” Back at the counter, the Loveland Frog takes the money and hands J-Mike his rum and coke. J-Mike takes one sip, then spits it out in Loveland Frog’s face. J-Mike’s face grows red, and his tattoos seem to writhe on his body. He grabs Loveland Frog by the collar of his tuxedo and pulls the amphibian’s face close to his.]
J-Mike: THERE’S ICE IN THIS!
[J-Mike drops the Loveland Frog and, jerking his arm back, launches a powerful right hook into the face of the bipedal cryptid, felling him instantly. J-Mike pours the contents of the glass onto the Loveland Frog, then throws the empty glass against the wall. As if on cue, the door to the bar swings open, and all patrons stare at the doorway. In steps the black-clad Agent Villain, his eye scanning the premises. It fixes on Doctor Derangemo. Agent Villain turns around and speaks to a shadow-covered figure standing in the doorway behind him.]
Agent Villain: He’s here. Care to do the honors?
[All eyes in the bar are on Agent Villain as he steps through the door. The color drains from the faces of all the patrons except Doctor Derangemo as the shadow-covered figure follows, the light of the bar revealing the brown-suited form of Mister Lucky.]
Mister Lucky: Doctor Derangemo, we need your help — to save the world!
Doctor Derangemo: [grinning wildly and placing his puzzle on the table] This is about the monster outside, isn’t it?
Mister Lucky: I’m afraid so. And what we need is —
Doctor Derangemo: Why, of course! It’s obvious, isn‘t it? You need me to lead you to my most wondrous invention yet!
Mister Lucky: If you want to call it that, sure.
[Tom Phillipson approaches Mister Lucky.]
Tom Phillipson: Uh, you’re supposed to be dead.
Mister Lucky: Supposed to be, but I’m not. Anyway —
Brendan Phillipson: [on the ground, working through the tears] No, you’re dead. There was a funeral and everything.
Mister Lucky: I know, I was there. Anyway —
Tom Phillipson: How are you alive right now?
Mister Lucky: Look, I don’t have time to explain, okay?
Agent Villain: It was a clone. The coward makes clones of himself so he doesn’t have to face his own mortality.
Mister Lucky: Oh, that’s great. Thanks for revealing my secret — about the clones, anyway. I‘m not afraid of dying.
Agent Villain: Really? Is that why you disabled Lamp Prime’s atomic bomb in Round Two? Because you’re not afraid of death?
Mister Lucky: Graves and Vinny are both idiots. You know that. They would have killed everyone!
Agent Villain: I almost forgot that you also took a peek at your funeral. Afraid no one would show up? Or maybe you were hoping that your estranged son would show up, perhaps? Pathetic.
Mister Lucky: That was morbid curiosity. And you can leave Lucky Charms out of this, you jerk. But wait, there’s more! You’re a hypocrite!
Agent Villain: What?
Mister Lucky: It’s true, and you know it! You yourself are afraid of death! That’s why you deserted the armies of The Stupid!
Agent Villain: Ridiculous. I saw that The Stupid’s plan would ultimately fail, so I betrayed him by giving plans for his Coliseum to Deity Guy and Lamp Prime.
Mister Lucky: Nice story. You’ve probably been telling yourself variations of it since that bunker incident in Berlin, haven’t you?
Agent Villain: [pulling a knife from a sheath at his side] For someone who fears oblivion, you seem to have quite the death wish. And I have no problem granting that wish — a second time.
Mister Lucky: [putting his fists up] Make no mistake, Agent Villain — though you’re welcomed to help, I don’t need you. So if you want to settle our score right here and right now, I’m more than willing to oblige you.
[Captain Zimball, unable to listen to the bickering anymore, stands up and puts himself between the two champions.]
Captain Zimball: The fightin’ can wait. Ya’ll said something’ about savin’ the world?
[Doctor Derangemo jumps to his feet and springs forward, landing in front of Captain Zimball like a Warner Brothers cartoon character.]
Doctor Derangemo: Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Saving the world — with my machine! The world’s first and only air submarine! Come, let’s have a look at it!
[Doctor Derangemo runs to the door of the bathroom and into it. Captain Zimball, Mister Lucky, and Agent Villain follow him into the bathroom. A bit dazed from her dry-humping session with T-Bone and noticing Mister Lucky, Diamond Destiny follows the others into the bathroom. Doctor Derangemo enters the third stall on the left and, once the others are present, pushes the flushing mechanism. The ceiling opens and several human-sized tubes drop from the ceiling, surrounding each. Like a capsule in an office mailroom, the human cargo is then sucked up and into the tubes. Through twists and around turns they fly, each fluidly moving through the system with minimal trouble — the only exception being Diamond Destiny, whose buxom chest occasionally causes her to get stuck. At journey’s end, each is deposited in the windowed cockpit of a large vessel. Though nauseous, each passenger — save Diamond Destiny — rises to their feet and can’t help but marvel at the workmanship and ingenuity of this madman’s ship.]
Doctor Derangemo: [Throwing his arms out] Gentlemen, I welcome you to the most marvelous ship you’ve ever seen… the air submarine!
Mister Lucky: Wow. It’s, uh, pretty great. Hey, where are we?
Doctor Derangemo: My lab, of course!
Mister Lucky: Castle Valerium?
Doctor Derangemo: No, no, my boy. My lab — in this dimension! It was my belief that when the war began, we would be stuck in this dimension for quite some time. Thus, I used my dimensional transference ray to, well, transfer some of my stuff from our dimension to this one.
Agent Villain: [looking at the panels] Hm. Not quite a submarine. More like a stealth jet.
Doctor Derangemo: Nonsense! It’s a submarine — that flies through the air! And is equipped with lasers! Just like a submarine!
Agent Villain: [after a pause] As I said.
[Doctor Derangemo grins maniacally, then shifts his expression to that of depression as he looks around the room.]
Doctor Derangemo: Oh, no. This won’t do at all.
Mister Lucky: What is it?
Doctor Derangemo: Tampon-Bot is gone! Destroyed in the chaos, no doubt. Why, who will fly the ship?
Captain Zimball: Look, I don’t know nothin’ about savin’ the world, and I don’t know nothin’ about no air submarines — but one thing I do know is that I can captain anything based on nautical tech and that there’s a giant… whatever that thing is out there, tearin’ my friends apart. If you need someone to captain this boat, I’m your guy.
[Diamond Destiny slowly and graugily gets up, her breasts jiggling as she does.]
Diamond Destiny: Oh, I don’t feel so good…
[All turn around immediately to face her.]
Captain Zimball: Who let the lady on my ship?
Diamond Destiny: Huh? What lady?
Captain Zimball: I ain’t flyin’ this thing if there’s a lady onboard. It’s bad luck.
Mister Lucky: Don’t be silly. That’s an old superstition, and besides, you’ve got Mister Lucky onboard — the luckiest man in the world!
Diamond Destiny: [holding her head and stumbling towards Mister Lucky] Speaking of getting lucky… for five dollars, I’ll show you how lucky you are that I came, Mister. See what I did there? [giggles lightly, sounding as though intoxicated, and falls into Mister Lucky’s arms.]
Agent Villain: Heh. Go get her, loverboy.
Mister Lucky: [dropping Diamond Destiny and grabbing the wallet that she just pilfered from his pocket] Uh heh, wow. That’s, uh, a great offer, but we need to get underway.
Doctor Derangemo: Good, then it’s settled! Let’s go save the world!
[Captain Zimball sits at the captain’s chair and grabs hold of the nautical wheel, spinning it.]
Captain Zimball: Still think it’s bad juju to have a woman onboard…
[Massive flames spray out of the back and underside of the vessel as Captain Zimball pushes a large red button in the center of the wheel. Above them, the hanger doors open and the firelight of chaos and destruction greets the passengers through the windows of the cockpit. As they rise into the air, they see the giant, monstrous form of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew in the distance. With the push of the large blue button on the wheel, the ship’s cloaking device activates, making the ship itself and all inside invisible.]
Captain Zimball: [turning around to face the others] So, what’s the plan?
[Doctor Derangemo steps forward to a panel on the lower deck. After punching in a sequence of numbers, he presses a flashing green button an fires a small rocket at the monster. In the distance, a miniscule puff of smoke can be seen.]
Doctor Derangemo: That should buy us some time. Now, if you gentlemen would kindly fill us in on the details…?
[Meanwhile, down below, Talia Andreos, Doctor Derangemo‘s lab assistant, notices a sparkle out of the corner of her eye.]
Talia Andreos: What in the…
[As she squints, she can make out a white figure flying through the air at supersonic speeds. Within seconds, she recognizes the form and grabs Gerald’s sleeve, pulling on it vigorously.]
Talia Andreos: [pointing, excited] Look, up in the sky!
Gerald: That’s really old, and really played out.
Talia Andreos: [smacking Gerald on the back of the head] No, dipstick, seriously. Look up in the sky.
[Gerald looks up and sees the figure. Immediately, his heart soars and he can’t help but smile.]
Gerald: It’s him! It’s Free Comic Book Day Man!
[Through the sky he darts like a streak of white lightning, plummeting on the straight and narrow and slamming into Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew‘s shoulder. The monster lets out a pained roar as Free Comic Book Day Man punches his way into the wound and digs out a small rocket containing some copies of Free Comic Book Day issues of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch Trials”. Below, the crowd cheers — but the cheers turn to gasps of horror as the giant monster slams Free Comic Book Day Man into the ground with his humongous fist, grinding the pavement before pulling away. Horrified, Talia Andreos runs up to Free Comic Book Day Man’s limp, lifeless body. Holding him by the shoulder, she cries out in rage and frustration as she lifts his head to her chest. The rage and frustration quickly turns to pain and agony, however, as Free Comic Book Day Man’s yellow acidic blood burns through Talia Andreos’s clothes and skin, leaving in its place a limp, lifeless, deformed corpse.]
Mister Lucky: Thanks to some research on my part —
Agent Villain: Research? You mean the information I gave you, right?
Mister Lucky: That, and the research I did on my own which confirms that your information is correct —
Agent Villain: Of course it’s correct.
Mister Lucky: Look, gentlemen, the embodiments have gone mad. This thing — this Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, as they call it — is itself from a different dimension.
Agent Villain: Supposedly, it was chosen because the embodiments felt it held within the fabric of its existence the essences of our entire universe —
Mister Lucky: The essences of a bear, a monkey, a Jesus, a Jew, a homosexual, a robot, a leprechaun, a Purple Lamp, and a hobo. Did I miss anything?
Agent Villain: It doesn’t really matter.
Mister Lucky: Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew was meant to be the final challenge for the champions of each bracket.
Agent Villain: In order to make the creature seem more powerful, Deity Guy commissioned a machine to be built.
Doctor Derangemo: A machine that captures ghosts and turns them into energy!
Agent Villain: Yes.
Mister Lucky: How do you know that?
Agent Villain: Since you, heh, did your research, you should know.
Mister Lucky: Oh, right. Derangemo built that machine, too.
[Doctor Derangemo smiles proudly as everyone else stares at him with annoyance.]
Agent Villain: The power upgrade to the creature was supposed to stop there. But, as their thirst for vengeance against each other and, later, against their own champions grew, the embodiments surmised that perhaps the creature could be made even more powerful by giving it their own powers.
Captain Zimball: But if what you said is true, Baggy Jesus O’Leary —
Mister Lucky: O’Malley.
Captain Zimball: Yeah, he still shouldn’t be rampaging, since the fight was s’posed to be fake.
Agent Villain: Heh. You have The Stupid to thank for that one.
Mister Lucky: He tricked the Righteous Smidgeon, a superhero that can shrink to atomic levels, into invading the creature’s brain and running amok.
Agent Villain: The result of his meddling is what you see outside.
Diamond Destiny: [twirling some chewing gum on her finger] So, why don’t the embodiments take their powers back? Or something?
Mister Lucky: A surprisingly good question. We believe that, once they give the power away, it must either return to them naturally or it must be given back to them willingly.
Agent Villain: That’s why we must kill the creature at all costs.
Mister Lucky: No! We talked about this! Violence isn’t in the creature’s nature, Agent Villain! I mean, it saved Gerald and Bahige from the Paci Custodis in the first round. It’s normally peaceful or, at the very least, somewhat benign. So no killing. What we need to do is get the Righteous Smidgen out of its head. Once we do that, its other-dimensional brain will be allowed to heal naturally.
Captain Zimball: Then what’re we waitin’ for? Let’s go in there and pick him up!
Doctor Derangemo: Yes! We’ll enter through the ear canal and ride through his body, like in “Fantastic Voyage”! Oh, how I love that movie!
Mister Lucky: That’s precisely the plan. Zimball, can you get us in there?
Captain Zimball: The wheel ain’t that responsive, but what we gotta lose?
Mister Lucky: That’s the spirit!
[Captain Zimball navigates the air submarine towards Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew‘s ear, the monster seemingly unaware of the soon-to-be invasive ship.]
Captain Zimball: Damn thing keeps moving!
Doctor Derangemo: Push the green button!
[Captain Zimball does so, and smooth jazz plays through the ship’s speakers.]
Captain Zimball: What the hell is this supposed to do?
Doctor Derangemo: Nothing. I just felt that we could do with some music.
Captain Zimball: Whatever. You got shields on this thing?
Doctor Derangemo: Push the green button!
Captain Zimball: I just pushed the damn green button!
Doctor Derangemo: Yes! Push it again!
[Captain Zimball sighs and pushes the button again. The jazz turns to house techno, the lights dim, and a strobe light descends from the ceiling. On the outside of the air submarine, shields are raised and a small HUD appears to show shield integrity.]
Captain Zimball: That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
[With newfound confidence, Captain Zimball flies directly into Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew‘s ear canal. Once they are safely inside, Mister Lucky and Doctor Derangemo stand to each side of Captain Zimball to study this magnificent sight.]
Doctor Derangemo: Oh my! It’s filled with incredibly old pizza!
Mister Lucky: How bizarre.
Captain Zimball: You two ladies quit gabbin’ and tell me how to get to the brain.
Doctor Derangemo: Second star to the right, and straight on ’til morning!
Captain Zimball: The hell?
Mister Lucky: No, I think he’s right. Look!
[Mister Lucky points outside and there are several dozen pizza stars floating within Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Captain Zimball navigates for whatever pizza star could be considered the second to the right, and continues straight. As he navigates through them, he deftly steers around chunks of ancient pizza until hitting another smaller canal, one which is free of debris. He slows the air submarine down and as the exterior becomes dark, a light appears in the distance.]
Doctor Derangemo: See? Darkness, and then light! Night, and then morning!
Captain Zimball: Whatever you say, you crazy-ass cracker.
[They head towards the light, eventually popping out in the cavity which houses Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew‘s now giant brain. Mister Lucky and Doctor Derangemo stare out the window until one of them sees a figure stomping around.]
Mister Lucky: There! Set her down!
[Captain Zimball complies, not landing on the brain, but hovering above it.]
Mister Lucky: You got anything in this tub for us to go down there?
Doctor Derangemo: No. Why would I? It’s an air submarine. Feel free to use the sound system, if you like.
Mister Lucky: Will it work through fluids?
Doctor Derangemo: Didn’t you hear me? It’s an air submarine!
Mister Lucky: So there’s no fluid out there? Only air?
Doctor Derangemo: Of course!
[Mister Lucky takes a moment to process this, something which is altogether new and unpleasant for him. He shakes his head quickly and goes to the door.]
Mister Lucky: Okay! Villain, Derangemo, you’re coming with me!
Agent Villain: The great Mister Lucky, asking help from his greatest enemy and a mad scientist.
Doctor Derangemo: I’m not mad! Slightly peeved, perhaps, but not mad!
Agent Villain: The point stands.
Mister Lucky: I don’t need you for anything, but I also don’t trust you one bit. Now come on! How do we get down there?
[Doctor Derangemo pulls a chain hanging from the ceiling, and a hatch opens up on the floor. A curvy slide unfolds downward.]
Doctor Derangemo: Me first!
[Doctor Derangemo slides down the slide.]
Mister Lucky: I’d say age before beauty, but I’ve got you beat in both. So why don’t you go next so you don’t stab me in the back on the way down?
Agent Villain: How do you know I won’t kill you when you slide down?
Mister Lucky: You’re right. Think fast!
[Mister Lucky tackles Agent Villain and the pair grapple as they slide down. When they hit gray matter, Mister Lucky stands up and jumps away from Agent Villain. Agent Villain stands up and sneers at Mister Lucky, brushing himself off.]
Agent Villain: A lucky strike.
Mister Lucky: Petulence doesn’t become you. Now come on, we’ve got a giant rampaging monster to stop!
[The three trek over to the Righteous Smidgen, a task which takes nearly twenty minutes due to Mister Lucky’s continual need to make sure Agent Villain isn’t trying anything and the need to make sure Doctor Derangemo stays on task. Mister Lucky walks up with his hands help upward, all the while the Righteous Smidgen is attacking the brain.]
Mister Lucky: Hey there!
Righteous Smidgen: What? Who are you?
Mister Lucky: That’s not important right now! What is important is that you’re putting the lives of dozens, maybe even hundreds, of people at risk!
Righteous Smidgen: I don’t believe you. The Stupid said that I had to do this to stop this creature from killing everyone.
Mister Lucky: No, that’s not right at all! The Stupid is an evil, evil being! The Embodiment of Evil, in fact! You can’t trust him any farther than you can throw him!
Righteous Smidgen: Still don’t believe you. The only people here who have earned my trust are the Animajor and the Stupid. Maybe Shoshy Raphael, but only because he seems to like the Animajor. Not you, whoever you are.
Mister Lucky: Really? You trust those guys but not me? What’s wrong with you?!
Righteous Smidgen: Nothing. Just doing what I think is right.
Mister Lucky: Well, it’s not right! In fact, Shoshy Raphael is out there right now trying to make sure that this hellbeast doesn’t kill anymore people!
[The Righteous Smidgen pauses for a moment.]
Righteous Smidgen: Is the Animajor all right?
Mister Lucky: Not gonna lie, he’s probably dead by now.
Righteous Smidgen: Oh no. What have —
Doctor Derangemo: Are you going to be done soon, Mister Lucky?
Mister Lucky: Yes, hold your horses!
Righteous Smidgen: Hold on, Mister Lucky? My father told me about you! You helped the Paragon People a few times, right? You even tried to join them with some lame superhero identity.
Mister Lucky: Oh, God. Yes. Yes! That was me!
Righteous Smidgen: And then, after the war, you took on the identity of Professor Merciless and attacked the world again and again and again, requiring the Paragon People to stop you every single time!
[Agent Villain smirks.]
Agent Villain: Why, Mister Lucky, I had no idea.
Mister Lucky: It needed to be done! How do you know about that, though? Your pop vanished before then!
Righteous Smidgen: The Stupid told me. Why should I trust someone I know to be a super-villain?
Mister Lucky: Oh, for the love of —
Righteous Smidgen: Don’t bother finishing that thought.
Mister Lucky: You try and talk some sense into the kid, Villain!
Righteous Smidgen: Agent Villain? I’ve only heard good things about you.
[Agent Villain grits his teeth at the revelation.]
Mister Lucky: Yes! So please, tell him all the stuff is true about him causing this thing to kill everyone!
Agent Villain: [Half-heartedly] Hey, uh, Righteous Smidgen? It’s all true. [to Mister Lucky] There. Happy now?
Mister Lucky: Almost.
Righteous Smidgen: Well, I have no reason to doubt the word of Agent Villain. Let’s go.
Mister Lucky: Now I’m happy. Come on, let’s blow this pop stand!
[The quartet head back to the ship. Meanwhile, Barry, He Who is Death, is on his way to the tournament.]
Barry: God. So late. So freaking late. It’s all that stupid horse’s fault. Azrael’s going to kill me.
[Barry pauses for a moment and thinks about his last statement, then lets out one loud ha. He looks around him and sees the ebbing and flowing of the realm between life and death.]
Barry: Damn traffic. Why is it so busy here? Going to be so late. Wait a second.
[Barry looks over and sees a figure in a black hooded robe sitting at a table. A line is forming in front of the table. There are several robots in the line, including Tampon-Bot and Perverto.]
Tampon-Bot: I thought I’d be happy dying, but I’m not.
Perverto: Where are the naked angels?
Fake Fred: Next!
Tampon-Bot: That would be me.
Fake Fred: Okay, Barn, off you go.
[Tampon-Bot disappears into Limbo. Fake Fred ticks the name off his list.]
Fake Fred: Next!
Perverto: L-O-L! The great Perverto will be mourned by many!
Fake Fred: Sure thing, Barn.
[Perverto vanishes into Limbo, and Fake Fred ticks the name off his list.]
Barry: I’ve seen enough.
[Barry marches over to the table and seizes the list, only to notice that every single name is some variation of Barney. Fake Fred looks up at him.]
Fake Fred: Why’d you take my list, Bernie? I need that or Osama’s going to be mad at me.
Barry: You’re not a reaper! You shouldn’t be doing this!
Fake Fred: Just doing my job, Boffo. Need to get enough to hit capacity.
Barry: No, it’s not your job! It’s my job! Besides, you’ve been accepting robot souls! We don’t do robot souls, there’s a whole other thing for robots!
Fake Fred: Gee, Barney, you need to calm down.
Barry: [Looking over the paperwork] My name’s not Barney! It’s Barry! And I will not calm down, especially when you’ve apparently been sending everyone to Limbo, which isn’t bad, but it’s not great! They’ll just be back here in an hour wondering what to do.
Fake Fred: It’s my first day, Binky.
Barry: It’s also your last day! Now then, where are you on this list… wait a second. You’re not on this list. You’re not even dead!
Fake Fred: Nope.
Barry: Then get out!
[Barry points at Fake Fred, who vanishes in a bluish flame, returning to the world of the living. The table vanishes as well, but Barry still has his list. Sure enough, all those who Fake Fred sent to Limbo begin to reappear.]
Barry: At least his mess won’t be that hard to fix.
Fake Fred: That sure is good news, Bartholomew.
[Barry slowly turns to see Fake Fred standing before him. Barry looks at his list and the names are starting to correct themselves, with every new name being an actual name. The newest name, however, is Fake Fred. Barry groans.]
Barry: This is going to be the longest shift ever.
[Back at the air submarine, the quartet have boarded and entered the ship’s kitchen.]
Mister Lucky: …and that’s when I found Villain and Derangemo and we set out to stop you from messing with Baggy Jesus O’Malley.
Righteous Smidgen: It doesn’t seem to have done much good.
Mister Lucky: Derangemo said it’d take a little while for his mind to heal. Anyway —
[Suddenly, a shockwave hits the ship.]
Captain Zimball: What the hell was that?
Mister Lucky: We should get to the cockpit!
Diamond Destiny: I’d like to get to your cockipit, loverboy.
Mister Lucky: Given the current circumstances, that’s highly inappropriate.
Doctor Derangemo: Far be it from me to be the voice of reason, but less flirting and more moving, everyone! My precious ship is at stake!
Agent Villain: Right. Uh, me and the Smidgen will be right along.
Mister Lucky: Well, okay. Hurry up, though.
[Mister Lucky, Diamond Destiny, Captain Zimball, and Doctor Derangemo all head towards the cockpit. After they’ve all gone, Agent Villain pulls out a knife.]
Agent Villain: One last thing, Smidgen.
Righteous Smidgen: What’s that?
[Agent Villain smiles. In the cockpit, Doctor Derangemo looks out the window.]
Doctor Derangemo: It would appear that Baggy Jesus O’Malley has transformed into some sort of giant goo monster!
Captain Zimball: So what? We in a submarine.
Doctor Derangemo: Haven’t you listened to a word I said?! It’s an air submarine! It can’t survive in this sort of atmosphere for long! The hull integrity is already being compromised!
Captain Zimball: Well, shit. We’re sinking to the bottom, here.
[As the various challengers outside attack the monstrous form of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, the shockwaves are magnified through his gelatinous form, each one causing the ship to rock more and more violently. Doctor Derangemo stands and sways with the ship, humming quietly.]
Mister Lucky: Where’s Villain and Smidgen?
Diamond Destiny: Why do you care about those two when I’m… [Diamond Destiny slinks up to Mister Lucky and grabs his bowtie.] right… [she pulls on the bow-tie, causing her nose to touch Mister Lucky’s.] here?
[Mister Lucky stands up, his bow-tie snapping off. He pulls another one from his jacket pocket and ties it as he exits the cockpit.]
Mister Lucky: I’m going to go check on them! Something rotten is going on!
[As Mister Lucky leaves, Diamond Destiny crosses her arms and puts out her lips in a pout. Her eyes glance over Doctor Derangemo momentarily, but then settle upon Captain Zimball, valiantly trying to stabalize the air submarine. She takes a deep breath and walks over, sitting beside him. He flashes her a quick, worried smile. Mister Lucky enters the kitchen and sees the Righteous Smidgen lying on the ground, a knife in his throat. He pulls the knife out and sighs heavily. In the cockpit, other more supposedly sexy things are happening.]
Doctor Derangemo: We’re going to crash! Hahahaha!! Isn’t this FUN?!
Captain Zimball: No, this shit ain’t fun at all! The hell’s goin’ on out there?!
[Diamond Destiny grips for Captain Zimball’s crotch, but Captain Zimball moves fast enough to avoid her errant hand.]
Captain Zimball: Damn, girl, shit ain’t right. We about to die!
Diamond Destiny: I don’t care! I’ve never had a black man before, and I won’t die without experiencing the joys of one!
Captain Zimball: I ain’t never had a white girl before, neither…
[Neither really caring or knowing that the other one is lying, Captain Zimball looks deep into Diamond Destiny’s glittering green eyes, and she into his dark brown eyes. Without warning, the air submarine dives as Captain Zimball and Diamond Destiny meet in a lusty embrace. Doctor Derangemo stands by and watches for a moment as the two strip naked before him. Doctor Derangemo‘s expression goes from disgusted to blank, then his eyes light up.]
Doctor Derangemo: That reminds me! I need to clean the oven! Off to the kitchen!
[As Doctor Derangemo leaves, he passes an irate Mister Lucky in the hallway, holding a bloody knife. Doctor Derangemo thinks for a moment about what he should think about this, but then remembers that the over needs cleaning. When he reaches the kitchen, he ignores the lifeless body of the Righteous Smidgen and goes right for the stove, only to laugh heartily.]
Doctor Derangemo: Silly me! I forgot the oven was self-cleaning! I’ll go see what Charles and Kraven are up to!
[As Doctor Derangemo goes to follow Mister Lucky, the latter hears the sounds of lasers. Mister Lucky scowls and begins to run, stopping himself before he enters the cockpit, and he walks in silently, and leans agains the wall nonchalantly.]
Mister Lucky: I knew I’d find you here, Agent Villain. Time to put and end to your evil once and for all!
Agent Villain: Man against man, eh? Or are you another clone? Do you even know?
Mister Lucky: I’m the real deal! You forgot this in the kitchen, by the way!
[Mister Lucky throws the knife and it whizzes through the air, right past Agent Villain’s head. Agent Villain doesn’t even flinch, only reaching over and taking the knife, wiping the blood off on Captain Zimball’s discarded coat, and placing it back in its sheath. Mister Lucky stands at the doorway, with Doctor Derangemo standing behind him.]
Doctor Derangemo: Oh, goody! This should be a sight!
[Mister Lucky and Agent Villain walk calmly towards each other, and when they meet in the center of the cockpit, Agent Villain lashes out with a right hook. Mister Lucky blocks, smiles, and jabs at Agent Villain. This move is also blocked, but immediately followed by another quick jab from Mister Lucky. Agent Villain catches his fist and attempts to bring his elbow down upon Mister Lucky’s arm in an attempt to break it. Mister Lucky responds by punching him directly in the face. Agent Villain staggers back, fresh blood trickling from his nose.]
Doctor Derangemo: Boring!
[Agent Villain uses one of the cockpit’s chairs to launch himself at Mister Lucky, who attempts to dodge but is taken down. Agent Villain turns and starts to pummel Mister Lucky, taking his bowler hat and smashing it upon his face, breaking the hat and the glasses in the process. Mister Lucky uses an old martial arts move taught to him by the monks of Uhld to fling Agent Villain against the wall. Both combatants quickly get to their feet. Mister Lucky tosses aside the bowler hat and broken glasses.]
Mister Lucky: You did me a favor there. I hate that hat.
Doctor Derangemo: I’ve seen more violence at the ballet!
[Agent Villain doesn’t respond, instead leaping on top of the table and jumping off of it with a roundhouse kick. Mister Lucky catches his foot in mid-kick and slams Agent Villain against one of the ship’s consoles. Sparks fly from the console.]
Agent Villain: So you’re farsighted then?
Mister Lucky: You honestly think I would make myself immortal but leave my eyesight as less than perfect?
Doctor Derangemo: Oh dear, has this suddenly become “The View”?
[Agent Villain shrugs, and Mister Lucky runs at him, leaping at him, fist ready to punch. Agent Villain easily sidesteps this and Mister Lucky’s fist sinks into the circuitry. Agent Villain steps behind him and begins smashing Mister Lucky’s face into the console. After doing this half a dozen times, Mister Lucky’s face is cut and bleeding, his nose broken, his eyes swollen. Agent Villain, meanwhile, has only a bloodied nose.]
Mister Lucky: Little help, Derangemo?
Agent Villain: The only thing he’ll be helping with is getting rid of your body!
[Agent Villain takes out his knife and tries to stab Mister Lucky in the back, but Doctor Derangemo, after giving it some thought, pulls out an odd-looking gun and points it at the two brawlers. He pulls the trigger, letting loose a blinding flash of light and horrible disorienting noise. Agent Villain plunges his knife into the console and grabs his ears, while Mister Lucky uses the opportunity to free himself from the console and gain higher ground, thin trickles of blood coming from his ears and nose. After his ears have stopped ringing, Agent Villain turns to Mister Lucky, completely forgetting about his knife, and lets loose a primal scream, launching himself at Mister Lucky. As Agent Villain leaps, Doctor Derangemo pulls the trigger again and again, laughing all the while, marveling at the Hiroshima shadows being left on the walls of the air submarine, which is still being bombarded with shockwaves from the outside. The stream of blood from Mister Lucky’s ears has gone from a trickle to a stream, but he powers through, dodging Agent Villain’s attacks and looking around, trying to find something to give him an edge. Suddenly, Agent Villain realizes that he could easily keep the upper hand if he did one thing, and in one smooth movement he pulls out his gun and shoots Doctor Derangemo, who continues laughing and shooting his gun for a few moments until he realizes that he’s been shot.]
Doctor Derangemo: Oh dear.
[Doctor Derangemo falls to the ground and Agent Villain allows himself a small smile. He turns to Mister Lucky, who should have been by the console, but Mister Lucky swings from a beam in the ceiling, knocking Agent Villain on the console. The spy initially begins to laugh, as this ploy is obviously the last desperate chance of a dying man. However, he then feels a sharp pain tear into his back. Mister Lucky stands in front of him.]
Mister Lucky: You keep leaving your knife lying around, Villain. This way, you’ll never lose it again.
[Agent Villain looks down and sees the sharp, thin point of his knife sticking through his stomach. He is initially shocked, but then smiles and starts to laugh maniacally, his skin drying out and hair becoming stringy, almost like cobwebs. Soon, no more sound comes from Agent Villain’s withered body, now looking like it’s been a corpse for a very long time. As the head slumps over, an earpiece falls out of its ear. Mister Lucky picks it up.]
Mister Lucky: Should have known he’d send a clone. Looks like you got the last laugh this time, Villain.
[Mister Lucky coughs up some blood and sits down in the cockpit. Outside, he sees Shoshy Raphael, Baggy Satan, and Edwin Cloudstar flying upwards, Edwin Cloudstar carrying a Purple Lamp bomb. He knows that, between the injuries sustained during the fight and this new development, he doesn’t have long to live.]
Mister Lucky: Glad Derangemo brought the Atlantean gun. Really came through in the end there, Doc.
[As Mister Lucky salutes Doctor Derangemo‘s body, he notices that his own hand is rapidly becoming dried and withered. His unswollen eye goes wide.]
Mister Lucky: I’m a clone? But… but for how long? Dear God, for how long — !
[Mister Lucky’s now dried and withered body slumps over onto the console. Soon after, his body is unceremoniously pushed out of the chair by Doctor Derangemo, sparks flying from his chest.]
Doctor Derangemo: Tsk tsk. Clones are so unreliable, but robot doubles —
[In Castle Valerium, the real Doctor Derangemo sits at a table, eating a sandwich and sitting at what appears to be a heavily modified Virtual Boy, wearing a headset with microphone.]
Doctor Derangemo: — robot doubles will last forever if you take care of them. Sadly, your time has come.
[The robot Doctor Derangemo takes the wheel of the air submarine and pilots a direct course towards Baggy Jesus O’Mally the Jew’s damaged brain. As the ship moves forward, Doctor Derangemo pushes a set of colored lights in a sequence, not unlike the game “Simon”, and the self-destruct sequence is activated. As the air submarine reaches the brain, so does Edwin Cloudstar, and the ship self-destructs as the Purple Lamp bomb goes off. With this final act, the ship cauterizes the brain’s wounds, and coupled with the explosion of the Purple Lamp bomb, puts Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew on the fast track to recovery. Will it be enough to stop the rampaging giant from destroying the rest of the challengers? Tune in tomorrow to find out.]

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MMM2010: Round Four Commences

Posted by meekrat on July 12, 2010

[Once again, the crowd is gathered. The champions of Deity Guy and Lamp Prime are mildly intermingled, but there is a clear divide between them and the champions of the Stupid. The skies open up and the three Embodiments descend from the heavens. Lamp Prime drops like a rock, crashing through the stage. Moments later, he levitates out of it. He is dusty, dim, and tarnished. Deity Guy drunkenly weaves back and forth through the air, crashing into the back of the stage. He has a full beard now, scraggly and unkempt, and his single eye is bloodshot. As soon as he pulls himself from the wreckage, he manifests a bottle of hard liquor and begins drinking it. The Stupid, meanwhile, descends gracefully, taking pot-shots at the champions of Deity Guy and Lamp Prime and laughing all the while. He succeeds in maiming a few of them, but for the most part remains harmless. The three Embodiments rest upon the stage and Deity Guy turns to the crowd.]
Deity Guy: Yeah, well, you know the drill. Don’t think anyone else is dead. Only a few rounds left. Like eight?
The Stupid: Two rounds and the final, which has been planned for. Oh yes, plans have been made!
[The Stupid begins laughing maniacally. Deity Guy and Lamp Prime pay this no mind, but several champions of Good and Neutrality look at him nervously.]
Deity Guy: Anyway, there’s a bunch of stuff in your programs now. You know.
Lamp Prime: I have to ask that my remaining champions go get fitted for safety armor. It’s made from excessive padding, so you don’t get hurt during the final events — which I think may include things like “macramé” and “stamp collecting”.
The Stupid: My champions must get fitted for extra-kill armor, as your final events will involve killing the other champions!
Deity Guy: That’s not cool, both of you. Anyway, my guys, report for some sort of armor, too. And drinks. In fact, forget the armor.
Lamp Prime: Please don’t mess with my events, The Stupid.
The Stupid: I’ll do what I damn well please!
Deity Guy: Yeah, besides, it’s not like you have room to talk, Lampy, having your Thrifty Scouts mess up my event.
Lamp Prime: I didn’t mean to —
Deity Guy: I don’t care what you meant to do. Poor Land Captain might have won if your stupid heroes didn’t show up. Totally unfair.
The Stupid: You tell him!
Deity Guy: You shut up, too! You’re nearly as bad as he is! In fact, from this point forward, none of my champions are allowed to even talk with any of the other champions!
The Stupid: Fine! Mine too!
Lamp Prime: That’s a good idea. That way, none of them can get hurt.
The Stupid: Blah blah blah. You know why my guys aren’t going to talk to yours? Because I’m declaring war upon the both of you!
[Deity Guy’s bloodshot eye grows wide, and Lamp Prime’s bulb becomes bright.]
Lamp Prime: What?
Deity Guy: You know how serious that is, right?
The Stupid: Of course I know, and I know that my next events will be the first steps towards total war! Prepare yourselves!
[The Stupid vanishes in a puff of smoke.]
Lamp Prime: I have to go and keep my champions safe. Will you be my ally in this?
Deity Guy: No. I’m neutrality, after all, but if either of you come near me or my champions, it’s on!
[Deity Guy disappears in a burst of color. Faintly, he is heard exclaiming “YES!”]
Lamp Prime: I guess I should go get ready, too.
[There is a burst of light, but Lamp Prime is still sitting on the stage.]
Lamp Prime: This isn’t where I want to be. Would one of you — ?
[Owen Reilly hops onto the stage and carries Lamp Prime off with his Purple Lamp power. In the audience, the champions begin to talk and gossip.]
Player One: So the armor thing. Are we actually getting armor?
Elvin Clovar: What do you care? You lost your first —
[Before Elvin Clovar can finish, Player One punches him in the face with his Power Gloved hand. Elvin Clovar is knocked back in surprise by the blow, and raises his hand to his nose, discovering blood.]
Player Two: FIRST BLOOD! FIRST BLOOD!
Player One: I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.
Elvin Clovar: I thought Canadians were supposed to be polite!
Player One: You’ll see how polite I am when I start punching you some more!
[Elvin Clovar backs away towards the champions of the Stupid.]
Red Scare: You’ve made a powerful mistake this day, lad!
Player One: Your face made a terrible mistake.
Player Two: Oh! Burn!
[Professor Nick looks around and kicks the Forgiver in the ankle.]
Professor Nick: There.
The Forgiver: Did you just kick me?
Professor Nick: I did! First blood!
The Forgiver: Apologize.
[Professor Nick kicks him again.]
Professor Nick: Never!
The Forgiver: Well then, I guess I’ll have to beat an apology out of you.
Professor Nick: Oh dear.
[Professor Nick runs, with the Forgiver giving chase. However, the superhero is tripped by Squibbons Johnson.]
Squibbons Johnson: How’d that get there? Hur.
[Squibbons Johnson is hit by an empty beer bottle, followed by several more, thrown by T-Bone and Danger Force.]
T-Bone: Take that, Squiddly Diddly.
[In response, Steve the Chach walks up to Agent Villain and starts posturing.]
Steve the Chach: You want some of this, old man? You want some? Huh? HUH?
[Agent Villain looks him over, fingers the hilt of his knife thoughtfully, lets out a single laugh, and points at the wall. Steve the Chach turns his head to look at the wall as Agent Villain’s knee immediately and almost imperceptibly burrows into Steve the Chach’s groin, causing him to double-over in the agony that only men could experience from such a blow. Agent Villain then turns around and walks away.]
Steve the Chach: [clutching his testicles] Yeah, that’s what I thought.
[A clump of dirt hits Steve in the back of the head. He turns and sees Jonathan Hortenz standing there, whistling softly.]
Steve the Chach: Dude! Uncool!
Jonathan Hortenz: It wasn’t me. It was him.
[Jonathan Hortenz points to Sitting Tricky Pillow Man. These events continue happening until everyone is fighting everyone else, resulting in much blood and bruises. Pikapunk and Brachiosaur quietly slip away.]
Pikapunk: I’ve never seen everyone so riled up.
Brachiosaur: Brachi brach brachi!
Pikapunk: He should be okay.
[Their flight is halted by Monkeysaurus Rex, who snuck out back to enjoy a cigarette before the Embodiments even finished arriving.]
Brachiosaur: BRACHI!
[Brachiosaur rears up, almost crushing Pikapunk in the process.]
Pikapunk: Could you move, please? You’re upsetting him.
Monkeysaurus Rex: This is flavor country, and flavor country? It’s a free country. I wrote a song about it. You want to hear it?
Pikapunk: No.
[Monkeysaurus Rex and Pikapunk narrow their eyes at each other, while Brachiosaur trembles in fear against a wall. As the fighting continues, Thomas Iavi, Doctor Aquarius, and Plasticine Cube take the stage.]
Thomas Iavi: Microphone! I need a microphone!
[Perverto crashes through the floor of the stage, holding a microphone and camera.]
Perverto: At your service!
Iavi: Er. Thanks.
[Iavi taps the microphone a few times, and then shouts into it.]
Iavi: KNOCK IT OFF!
[The battling champions all turn to the stage.]
Iavi: Listen everyone, I know the Embodiments are being… weird right now, but that’s no reason to go at each other’s throats like this. I mean, even you, Charleston? You should know better than this!
[Charleston Charge looks up at Iavi, a frown upon his face, and sets down the Gemini Twin Trooper he had picked up to throw at the other two. He pats him on the head and the Gemini Twin Trooper punches him in the stomach. Doctor Aquarius takes the microphone.]
Doctor Aquarius: I know we all hate each other, or at least most of us hate the others. I, for one, hate all of you but my former ZODIAC companions.
El Presidente: Even me?
Doctor Aquarius: Especially you. However, we shouldn’t resort to violence just because some cosmic beings want us to. If it’s our event, which only applies to about a dozen of us at this point, that’s all well and good. But we shouldn’t go to war over something so silly. At least, not yet. Let’s wait a little while.
[Iavi looks at Doctor Aquarius, a concerned look upon his face. Plasticine Cube somehow takes the microphone.]
Plasticine Cube: Violence is never the answer!
[This has the exact opposite effect, as the champions all begin fighting each other once again. Thrifty Scout Fenris, in her civilian identity of Rei Himano, repeatedly hits Player Three with her fists. Logan Keanu Solo, possessed by his insane alter-ego Brutal McKillmore, runs around hitting people with a hammer and shouting nonsense. Metallic Spheroid attempts to set fire to things.]
Plasticine Cube: Well, that didn’t work.
Doctor Aquarius: What can we do? As much as I like this chaos, there’s a time and place for it, and that’s not here or now — especially with the Embodiments in such a tizzy.
Iavi: Yeah. I think it’s time to pull out the big guns.
Doctor Aquarius: You can’t mean — ?
Iavi: I do.
[Iavi wades through the carnage, narrowly dodging a concrete pillow tossed by Sitting Tricky Pillow Man and somehow avoiding a laser-blast from Shizamablam!’s space-gat. He finds his way to Cinco de Mayo, who have adopted a defensive formation, and removes one of their members. He then makes his way to another team, borrowing one of its members. The trio of Iavi and the two borrowed team members quickly run back to the stage, managing not to get hit by a wide variety of attacks. The two team members, Toddo and Kareem, take the stage. Doctor Aquarius lowers the microphone for the children.]
Kareem: Well, golly, I don’t think this is good at all!
Toddo: It’s not!
[All the champions stop fighting once again and turn towards the stage.]
Kareem: You should never try to hurt other people.
Toddo: Unless if you’re defending yourself, but even then, you should try to find a more peaceful way to solve things first!
Kareem: Even if we don’t like each other all that much, we have to find ways to get along. If you took the time to get know people better, then golly, you might find out that they’re not all that bad!
Toddo: So I guess what we’re saying is that we shouldn’t be doing all this fighting amongst ourselves. We should just stay calm, finish the tournament, and then everyone can go home.
Kareem: Then we can do whatever we want.
Toddo: So please stop fighting everyone.
Kareem: Gosh, please?
[The champions, shamed by the children, mumble half-hearted apologies to each other and slowly step away from each other. The various medics begin treating the wounded, and those who are well simply walk away. Iavi steps onto the stage and approaches the children, kneeling down to make eye contact.]
Iavi: Thanks, kids.
Kareem: It was no problem, Mister Iavi.
Toddo: I’m just glad we could help.
Iavi: So am I, but now I hope the Embodiments can get along for the rest of the tournament.
[In the Hippodrome, Lamp Prime sits in the middle in the same state he was in before. He has a chalkboard with a list of safe events. The Stupid, meanwhile, has devised a list of targets on the other two teams to capture, disable, or kill. Deity Guy is drinking and muttering a wide variety of curses upon the other two Embodiments.]
Deity Guy: Stupid fourth round… hope it’s over soon.


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MMM Event #81: Resolution

Posted by meekrat on July 9, 2010

[Deity Guy, Metallic Spheroid, and Gerald are watching Mike P run through the halls of Castle Valerium. Mike Q tromps in and stares at the screen.]
Mike Q: Aw ****, not this **** again.
[Mike P runs through the halls when, suddenly, Tampon-Bot drops down from above.]
Mike P: Yikes!
Tampon-Bot: I have to bring you back.
Mike P: How did you even do that?
[The camera pans up, showing a giant hole in the ceiling. Mike P nods, and then Tampon-Bot leans over and attempts to grab Mike P. The robot’s lack of digits proves to make this task impossible, and Mike P squeezes by him and continues running. He looks behind him at the hulking Tampon-Bot.]
Mike P: Wish I had my flying disc — OOF!
[Mike P runs into someone’s legs. He looks up to see Talia Andreos.]
Mike P: Talia!
Talia: Oh, God. It’s you.
Mike P: You have to help me! This crazy scientist and his robot are after me! They want to do an autopsy!
Talia: That scientist is my boss.
Mike P: Whatever! You have to hide me!
Talia: Sorry, but my first duty is to my employer.
Mike P: Come on, help me out for old time’s sake?
[Talia doesn’t even think for a moment.]
Talia: No.
[Mike P groans and darts by her. She thinks for a moment, wondering if she should give chase, but shrugs and decides against it. Elsewhere in Castle Valerium, Doctor Derangemo is suiting-up for the alien extraction.]
Metallic Spheroid: How exactly is this camera able to do all these things?
Gerald: You’d be surprised at how many cameras Talia installed throughout the castle, and then how many I installed, and I think Perverto installed a few as well, which is why I usually go to the YMCA to shower.
Deity Guy: Perverto knows there’s nudity there. I got it on tape.
[Gerald becomes crest-fallen.]
Mike Q: There ain’t no ******* swearing in this piece of ****.
Deity Guy: I thought there would be.
[Doctor Derangemo has finished suiting-up, a process which includes dressing like a Ghostbuster.]
Doctor Derangemo: Now to find that alien and autopsy him!
[Mike P has found his way to a long hallway, with a small poorly-made sign that says “Escape”. He stops to ponder the sign for a moment, then decides that it’s as good a lead as any. He runs down the hallway but, fifteen feet from its end, Perverto steps out from behind a curtain.]
Mike P: How did I not notice those curtains?
Perverto: O-M-G! It is my old foe. By turning you over to Derangemo, my desires will be met! L-O-L!
[Mike P turns to run, but Perverto’s slender claw picks him up by the scruff of the… neck? Let’s go with neck. Anyway, he picks him up and marches down the hallway.]
Mike P: Why are you doing this? I’ve only met you once.
Perverto: At which point you shamed Perverto!
Mike P: I didn’t shame you, you just wandered off!
Perverto: I have no time for such niceties! You are the key to my heart’s desire!
Mike P: I am not!
Perverto: Are too!
Mike P: Am not!
[Perverto throws him to the ground.]
Perverto: It is obvious we shall have to battle!
Mike P: I really don’t have time to fight you! I have to get away from Derangemo!
[Doctor Derangemo chooses this point to walk into the doorway at the opposite end of the hallway.]
Doctor Derangemo: There you are!
[Doctor Derangemo shoots his weapon at Mike P, causing a claw-machine claw on a long string to fly through the air at Mike P. Mike P side-steps it, then leaps forward to avoid Perverto.]
Perverto: For glory! FOR PERVERTO!
[Perverto leaps at Mike P in an attempt to tackle him, but misses due to the mentioned jumping forward. Mike P hops on top of the fallen robot and runs towards the door, only for Tampon-Bot to again crash through the ceiling.]
Tampon-Bot: Please stop running.
Mike P: No!
[Mike P turns and runs, once again jumping on top of Perverto who has made no attempt to get up, and running past Doctor Derangemo, who is reeling in his claw and giggling.]
Doctor Derangemo: Don’t run off just yet! We haven’t even begun the fun!
Mike P: I’ll pass, thanks!
[Before Mike P can reach the end of the hallway, another being appears. The murderous foul-mouthed teddy-bearesque Profanitron.]
Deity Guy: Aw snap. Okay, Mike Q, ready?
Mike Q: Yeah.
[Profanitron holds up his stainless steel claws and points one to Mike P.]
Profanitron: Stop right there, <dirtbag> .
Mike Q: ******.
Deity Guy: Yes.
[Metallic Spheroid turns to Mike Q and Deity Guy.]
Metallic Spheroid: Wait —
Gerald: Just leave them be.
[Profanitron steps menacingly towards Mike P and readies his claws for attack. Mike P steps backward, only to be hit with Doctor Derangemo‘s claw. It seems to connect, but immediately falls the ground.]
Doctor Derangemo: Oh well! Time to use my actual alien capture device!
[Doctor Derangemo pulls out a butterfly net.]
Doctor Derangemo: Tally-ho!
[Perverto, who has gotten up, is approaching from the third direction. The fact that this leads directly into a wall doesn’t matter to the robot. Tampon-Bot just stands there and sighs. Meanwhile, in the Megadome, the timer dings.]
Deity Guy: Oh man. It’s already been an hour.
Mike Q: Nothing ******* says you have to bring that ****** back yet.
Metallic Spheroid: Actually…
Deity Guy: Shush your mouth.
Gerald: Who wins?
Deity Guy: Mike P isn’t caught, so he wins. He’s cornered, yes, but not caught. Let’s see if he can get out of it.
Metallic Spheroid: You said —
Deity Guy: You want me to go back on my decision?
Metallic Spheroid: Shushing my mouth.
[Back in Castle Valerium, Mike P looks to each of his antagonists in turn. He charges up his plasma cap, waves to them, and blasts the floor beneath him. He falls through, and runs through the catacombs of Castle Valerium.]
Profanitron: Not so <darn>  fast!
[However, as Profanitron steps towards the hole, Doctor Derangemo holds out the butterfly net.]
Profanitron: What the <heck> ?
Mike Q: First one was ****, the second was ****.
Doctor Derangemo: I have no idea what’s in those catacombs. He may have been better off being sliced open by me than going down there!
Tampon-Bot: You go down there all the time, Doctor.
Doctor Derangemo: I know.
[The three look at each other for a minute, and then shrug. Doctor Derangemo and Tampon-Bot vanish in a burst of color, and far beneath Castle Valerium, Mike P does the same.]
Metallic Spheroid: That’s new.
Deity Guy: Didn’t mean to.
Gerald: It works. Lamp Prime is one end of the spectrum, the Stupid is the other. One does flashes of light, the other does puffs of smoke. So the burst of color thing fits.
Deity Guy: I guess. Just have to learn how to do it when I’m not sloshed.
Metallic Spheroid: So Mike P wins, then? Goes on to the next round?
Deity Guy: Sure thing.

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MMM Event #63: Resolution

Posted by meekrat on June 22, 2010

[Shizamablam! and Shizamablock fly through time and space in Shizamablam!’s space caddy. Though the journey through the asteroid belt is rough, they eventually reach the Space Station Projexxx, a large metal bowl with a great glass dome covering it. They are ushered in through an entrance gate. Once inside, Shizamablock is assaulted with the sound of gunshots, the smell of marijuana smoke, and the sight of flashing police lights.]
Shizamablock: This place is dangerous, yo.
Shizamablam!: No doubt, B. But shit is home, dawg.
Shizamablock: Word.
[The space caddy lands outside of a gray concrete building. Gunfire immediately sprays the entrance to the building as Shizamablam! and Shizamablock run inside. They take the stairs up to Shizamablam!’s pad and are greeted by Honeesha, one of Shizamablam!’s many prostitute girlfriends.]
Honeesha: Where you been at?
Shizamablam!: Damn, girl, don’t I get a kiss or some shit?
Honeesha: I’ll give you a kiss, you low-down dirty bastard! Probably out with that ho Shaneequa again, ain’t you?!
[Honeesha throws a pan at Shizamablam!]
Honeesha: And what that shit you holdin’? That a movie camera? Why? You wanna take movies of us doin’ the nasty?! Nuh uh, not today!
[Shizamablock hurries through the door as Honeesha pelts a crouching Shizamablam! with more pans.]
Honeesha: [screaming and grabbing another pan] Oh, shit! What that thing?!
[Honeesha throws a pan at Shizamablock, shattering the metal cooking utensil on Shizamablock’s hard black surface.]
Shizamablock: I’m a block, yo. I’m also a freestyle rapper. Check it.
[Shizamablock starts laying down some phat beats.]
Honeesha: He kinda cute, but ain’t no room in this house for another of ya’ll friends, ‘specially when they ain’t payin’ me shit. His rappin’ pretty tight, though. Makes me all hot an’ shit.
[Honeesha starts to undress in front of Shizamablam! and Shizamablock while Shizamablock continues to freestyle, albeit his rhymes become less tight and more nervous. Shizamablam! sets the camera down on a phone stand and hits the one button as he himself takes off his clothes. Meanwhile, Doctor Derangemo and Tampon-Bot follow Doctor Derangemo’s Perverto tracker to his location.]
Doctor Derangemo: So you think Perverto will be able to tell us not only what a porno is, but also how to make one?
Tampon-Bot: If anyone can, it would be Perverto.
Doctor Derangemo: That’s true. Okay, stop here. The tracker works! We‘ve followed Perverto to…
[They both look up at the sign and suddenly all joy at having found the perverted robot fades.]
Doctor Derangemo: …the YWCA?
[They follow the blip on the tracker inside the YWCA. Many women exiting the racket ball courts look at Doctor Derangemo, who is now standing against a wall and trying to blend in, quizzically. They stare at Tampon-Bot, too, and one comments that she now remembers she must stop off at the store afterwards as the “red tide” is rolling into the “bay of clam”. Once the women leave, Doctor Derangemo and Tampon-Bot continue to follow the blip until they come upon Perverto. The large silver robot, who is standing in the manager‘s office, is huddled near the wall. Doctor Derangemo taps Perverto on the shoulder, causing Perverto to leap with a start.]
Doctor Derangemo: Perverto. Good day.
Perverto: O-M-G! Doctor, please do not do that. My processor nearly burst from my chest.
Doctor Derangemo: Right. Tampon-Bot, please start the camera.
[Tampon-Bot picks up the movie camera and levels it on his metallic tampon arm.]
Tampon-Bot: Rolling, Doctor.
Doctor Derangemo: Very good. Ahem. Perverto, would you please be so kind as to —
[Perverto turns away from Doctor Derangemo, ignoring him. Doctor Derangemo taps Perverto on the shoulder again, causing Perverto to jump with a start.]
Perverto: Doctor, please stop sneaking up on me like this!
Doctor Derangemo: What is so interesting about that wall?!
Perverto: [slowly moving a claw to cover a hole in the wall] Nothing. Nothing at all.
[Doctor Derangemo dashes forward and rips Perverto’s claw away. Doctor Derangemo peers through the hole and sees the shower portion of the women’s locker room, complete with nude women.]
Doctor Derangemo: Perverto!
Perverto: Do not blame me! The hole was already there when I entered the room!
Doctor Derangemo: What are you doing here, anyway?
Perverto: I — I — no reason.
[Doctor Derangemo walks around Perverto and pulls a bundle of rolled-up pamphlets from the swivel in Perverto’s waist.]
Doctor Derangemo: You were going to join?!
Perverto: I was, but now I do not have to join at all. The hole achieves the same goal for less money.
Doctor Derangemo: [shaking his head] Very well. If you say it was here when you arrived, I won’t stop you from —
[Perverto is already back at the hole when he lets out a mechanical wail.]
Perverto: They are leaking!
Doctor Derangemo: What?
Perverto: Look!
[Doctor Derangemo places his eye to the hole once again and sees a woman sitting down to urinate.]
Doctor Derangemo: Ugh… it’s, uh, not leaking. It’s —
Perverto: As an expert on stopping leakages, I must save her!
[Before Doctor Derangemo has time to process Perverto’s words, Perverto breaks through the wall, spraying shattered bits of brick all over the locker room. Several woman scream and run, while others stand petrified in fear. Perverto steps over to the urinating woman and picks her up in one claw. His other claw slides back into his arm, revealing a small round hose and nozzle. Perverto aims the nozzle at the woman’s genitalia.]
Perverto: I shall save you, human female, by plugging your leak with hot glue!
[Hot glue sprays out of Perverto’s arm, covering the urination hole. Doctor Derangemo steps up and grabs Perverto’s arm while Tampon-Bot follows, camera still rolling.]
Doctor Derangemo: No, Perverto! She wasn’t leaking! She was urinating! You know, expelling liquid waste?
[There is a moment of silence while Perverto processes the information.]
Perverto: That is disgusting.
[Perverto sprays more hot glue onto the woman’s genitalia, closing it completely. He then drops the woman and steps out of the locker room and back into the office.]
Perverto: The human body lies! Not oil, but urine! And not UrineCo Synthetic Deer Urine, but rather disgusting human urine!
Tampon-Bot: Uh, I thought you knew that humans urinate…?
Perverto: I do.
Doctor Derangemo: You do?! Then why that little episode in there?!
Perverto: It was a joke! Behold the comedy stylings of Perverto! Now, I shall teleport to another event and convince those participating that I can appear at two places at once using flanseed oil!
Doctor Derangemo: But wait! You still haven’t answered my —
[Perverto activates his internal teleportation device and disappears. Police sirens cry in the background.]
Tampon-Bot: That doesn’t sound good. We need to get out of here, Doctor.
Doctor Derangemo: Oh, very well! We’ll never get our porno now! [jumping on Tampon-Bot’s back] Come, Tampon-Bot! Away!
[Tampon-Bot and Doctor Derangemo escape just as the police storm the entrance. Those women who were present give the testimony that a robot — most likely Bad Higgins in a robotic exoskeleton — assaulted one of their own. But back at Deity Guy’s arena, Deity Guy is exiting his private viewing booth as both contestants wait patiently for the determination.]
Deity Guy: Well, that was interesting. Given the nature of the contest, though, I would have to say that Derangemo and Tampon-Bot have won this round.
Shizamablam!: What? Tha’s bullshit.
Deity Guy: How?
Shizamablam!: Me an’ Honeesha had sex, G.
Deity Guy: Your video was of Shizamablock freestyle rapping while you and some woman, probably this “Honeesha”, moaned in the background.
[Shizamablock and Shizamablam! turn and look at each other, and then back at Deity Guy.]
Shizamablock: Ya’ll shoulda made sure you were pointing at the action, dawg.
Shizamablam!: How was I ‘sposed to know? I stole them cameras before, but ain’t never used one!
Deity Guy: I mean, that rap was pretty wicked, and I love “Pants on the Ground”, but it’s not a porno. Not even close. Derangemo and Tampon-Bot, on the other hand, got footage of a woman urinating. Though disgusting, she was nude and there is such a thing as a “urination fetish”. What really tipped the scales was when her nethers got closed up by the glue. That pushed the video purely into the realm of BDSM.
Doctor Derangemo: Um, thank you?
Deity Guy: Sure thing. Now, you can all get out of my sight. Your deviance sickens me.

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MMM Event #61: Resolution

Posted by meekrat on June 22, 2010


[The group not unlike Rockapella, but is not them for legal reasons, finishes their song and a set erects itself, with four podiums. Lamp Prime, somehow wearing a bow-tie and jacket, floats in from stage left and takes his place at a podium apart from the others.]
Lamp Prime: Now let’s welcome our contestants for this episode of “Where the Blazes are Jimmy Swift and Go-To Guy!” First, born in the jungles of Brazil but cruelly torn from his home and taken to the heartless city of Detroit and somehow given the powers to fight super-naturals, it’s Kim-Kim the Monkey!
[Kim-Kim is prodded into place at the left-most podium. He is making angry monkey noises.]
Lamp Prime: Next, he lost his parents at a young age and dedicated his life to make sure no one would ever feel that loss again, joining forces with other heroes and whatnot for t?he greater good! No, it’s not Batman, it’s the Forgiver!
[The Forgiver walks out, grinning uneasily and waving towards the audience. He takes his place at the center podium.]
Lamp Prime: We seem to have an empty podium, but —
[Suddenly, Perverto walks out, waving towards the crowd.]
Perverto: Yes! Cheer for Perverto! Worship him!
Lamp Prime: How are you here and on Earth at the same time?!
Perverto: I don’t have to explain myself to the likes of you.
Lamp Prime: You kind of do, as you’re sort of disrupting things.
Perverto: Flanseed oil.
Lamp Prime: What?
Perverto: L-O-L. That is all I’m saying about it.
Lamp Prime: Okay, then. I guess our third contestant hails from parts unknown and wants to see the most nudity. He also seems rather arrogant, but that’s pretty par for the course. Here’s Perverto!
Perverto: Indeed. You will all feel Perverto’s cold hard wit and wisdom before the day is through!
Lamp Prime: Yes. Anyway, this portion of the show is trivia questions about geography and all that! Five questions, each worth some points or something.
The Forgiver: Do you remember anything about the show other than vague rememberances?
Lamp Prime: Honestly? No. So let’s just do the best we can. Question one! Remember to buzz —
[Perverto buzzes his buzzer]
Lamp Prime: What?
Perverto: The south of France!
Lamp Prime: I didn’t even ask a question.
Perverto: It is where the ladies wear no pants, or so I have been told.
Lamp Prime: …yes. So, remember to buzz in to answer a question. Question one. Where is Castle Valerium?
[Kim-Kim buzzes]
Lamp Prime: Kim-Kim!
Kim-Kim: Ook awk awk ook!
[Lamp Prime freezes for a moment.]
Lamp Prime: I’ve made a terrible mistake with this.
[The Forgiver buzzes in]
The Forgiver: Southern Europe?
Lamp Prime: Wrong answer.
[Perverto buzzes in]
Perverto: In the middle of a lake!
Lamp Prime: Which lake?
Perverto: Who am I, King of Lakes?
[Lamp Prime sighs]
Lamp Prime: Perverto came closest. It’s in the middle of Lake Michigan. Why did I have them build a third podium?
[Perverto buzzes in]
Perverto: You are short-sighted!
Lamp Prime: That wasn’t an official — hold on, I’m getting a word from the judges. I guess it counts, and that Perverto got it right. I don’t remember enstating any judges, but there you go. Question… well, question three. Where is the Biovuac located? That’s the headquarters of the Paragon People, for those of you wondering.
[The Forgiver buzzes in]
The Forgiver: Woburn, IN! I remember visiting there well on one of my many adventures!
Lamp Prime: Yes! Correct! Point for you. Question four. What is the name of the Basset Hound Brigade’s former headquarters, and where is it located?
[Everyone is silent for a moment.]
Perverto: Even I think that question is in poor taste.
Lamp Prime: I put these togethers before… that happened. I’ll just skip it, then?
The Forgiver: Please do.
Lamp Prime: All right. Where is… oh. Oh dear. Where is the Spire located? I’ll just skip that question, too. Okay, question four. Darn it. Where’s Captain Depresso when you need him? He could think up a question or two. Oh, for God’s sake…
[Perverto, who had been buzzing in since Lamp Prime asked about Captain Depresso, stops buzzing.]
Perverto: Spain!
Lamp Prime: No. I’m pretty sure Captain Depresso isn’t in Spain. How about… what body of water does Hydro Knight consider his base of operations?
[Kim-Kim buzzes in, and nods while smiling.]
Lamp Prime: It wasn’t a yes — wait, the judges again. Apparently, they’re treating “How about what body of water does blah blah blah” as a legitimate question. Point for you, Kim-Kim. Question five of this debacle. What body of water does Hydro Knight consider his base of operations?
[The Forgiver buzzes in.]
The Forgiver: The Gulf of… oh. Dear. The Gulf of Mexico. Poor taste, chum.
Lamp Prime: Too bad. Round ends with the Forgiver and Perverto with two points each, and Kim-Kim with one point. Hold on, we forgot the introduction thing. Though I guess we already did that. Here’s a catch-up, then. America’s Fastest Growing Criminal has captured Jimmy Swift and Go-To Guy and whisked them away to his secret lair! I guess the last round should have been questions concerning where the lair is, but who really cares at this point. Anyway, now we have to find the loot, a warrant, and the crook!
The Forgiver: If we’re finding Jimmy Swift and Go-To Guy in the second round, why even do the things with the beacons?
Lamp Prime: Would you stop questioning me?
Perverto: No! Another point for Perverto!
Lamp Prime: No! That round is over! Anyway, here’s those guys.
[The not-quite-Rockapella group starts singing “America’s Fastest Growing Criminal”, attempting to do so in interesting way, but failing.]
The Forgiver: Also, shouldn’t we have talked to the Chief or something?
Lamp Prime: Just… here’s the game board.
The Forgiver: The loot is in the lower left-hand corner, the warrant is third from the top and fourth from the left, and the crook is top right.
[Those three tiles flip over revealing the loot, warrant, and crook.]
Lamp Prime: How did you do that?
The Forgiver: I admit, it was sort of a leap of faith. I figured that the stage hands would have placed and turned the tiles for the loot, warrant, and crook first or last and in that order. So it was child’s play for me to do a quick examination of the tiles and figure out which ones seemed to be caked with the oldest dust. I opted to guess that they had been done first, and there you go. I believe I win the second round, and considering I was tied in the first round, I go on to that silly beacon game.
[Kim-Kim looks at the Forgiver with something like awe, while Perverto stamps away citing that the costumed hero had cheated. Lamp Prime stares, despite having no eyes, and is silent for several minutes. He finally speaks.]
Lamp Prime: Yes. You win that round, and go on to the finals. Which, as you know, is that beacon thing.
The Forgiver: Of course. What map do I have to put the beacons on?
Lamp Prime: Er. I don’t know. Here’s one!
[A map showing all 151 original Pokemon appears on the ground. None are named, only numbered. The Forgiver looks down in bewilderment and Lamp Prime groans.]
Lamp Prime: What is this? I don’t even like Pokemon!
Deity Guy: I do. I figured that it would liven things up a bit.
Lamp Prime: Why is this event so riddled with chaos? Well, we need someone who knows Pokemon. Who will… oh. Big surprise.
[Player One, upon hearing about that a Pokemaster was needed, had run down the stands and had fallen into the Hippodrome. He gets up and brushes himself up, ignoring the fact that he has a cut across his forhead, and grabs the microphone.]
Player One: Okay! You ready?
The Forgiver: I suppose.
Player One: Meowth! Graveler! Weepinbell! Farfetch’d! Slowbro! Raticate! Fearow!
Lamp Prime: You have to wait until he places a beacon until you say the next one!
Player One: Fine. Whatever. Meowth.
[The Forgiver walks with a beacon to a cat-like Pokemon, and puts the beacon down. It lights up.]
Player One: Graveler!
[The Forgiver walks to what appears to be a rough rock Pokemon. He puts it down on one, it fails to light up. He places it on another and it lights up.]
Lamp Prime: You know what? He already won. No more of this. The Forgiver and Go-To Guy win, they were off somewhere doing who knows what with America’s Fastest Growing Criminal. Sorry, Jimmy and Kim-Kim. You lose.
The Forgiver: Hizzah, I suppose.

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MMM Event #30: Resolution

Posted by meekrat on May 6, 2010

Deity Guy: Hey, Gerald, how do you work this thing?
[Gerald picks up the remote control and holds it out in front of him. He presses the red button on the upper end of the remote and a three dimensional holographic cube appears in the center of the room. Gerald turns the knob, adjusting the volume. On the screen, cries of “Crazy Jesus gonna getcha” and “Crazy Jesus gonna wetcha” can be heard as Doctor Derangemo, on Tampon-Bot’s back, dodges the yellow fluid emanating from beneath Crazy Jesus’s frock.]
Doctor Derangemo: You’ll never get to my treasure before I do, you psychotic messiah!
[Talia Andreos , Derangemo’s assistant, stands off to the side, panic-stricken and frozen in fear- until a soft brown glob of matter with mud-like consistency thrown by Mad Monkey Jesus hits her in the face. Talia falls to the ground, more from the shock of being unexpectedly hit than from the force of the object. As if to add insult to injury, Crazy Jesus hovers up to her prone form on his flying cross and releases his fluid onto her.]
Crazy Jesus: Crazy Jesus gonna wetcha!
Talia: Ahhh! Doctor, do something!
[Doctor Derangemo presses a button on his wrist watch and speaks into it with precision.]
Doctor Derangemo: Profanitron, come immediately to the lab. Your assistance is required.
Profanitron: I’m on my <bloody>  way.
[Deity Guy’s eye widens, then squints.]
Deity Guy: …what the hell was that?
Gerald: Huh?
Deity Guy: Profanitron. Was he… dubbed over?
Gerald: Oh, that. Yeah. Talia has this thing against casual profanity for some reason, and so she built the camera with an automatic censor.
Deity Guy: Wait, wait, wait. So, this event is rated PG-13 all of a sudden?
Gerald: I’m afraid so.
Deity Guy: Damn it!
Gerald: Come on. It’s not that bad.
Deity Guy: No, it IS that bad! We’re basically watching the network broadcast version of this event! It’s like watching “Commando” on AMC! What’s the point? All the good parts have been cut! And the dubbing voice sounds nothing like him!
[Deity Guy blinks and, in a flash of light, Mike Q appears in the arena. Mike Q looks around, understandably confused.]
Mike Q: What the **** is this ****?
Deity Guy: Oh, thank goodness. Uncensored profanity.
Mike Q: Holy ****, it’s ******* Deity Guy!
Deity Guy: Yes, and I have a favor to ask.
[Deity Guy explains the situation to Mike Q.]
Deity Guy: So you see, I need someone to reinterpret the censored profanity in such a way that I can hear and understand what’s actually going on.
Gerald: Good Lord, it’s just profanity!
Mike Q: Sure, I guess I can ******* help you.
Deity Guy: Great! Oh, here he is now!
[Profanitron, Derangemo’s prototype-toy-robot-turned-security-guard, enters the lab. Profanitron’s murderous eyes, a menacing red, sit in his teddy bear face. He gnashes the razorblades he calls teeth and readies for attack his serrated stainless steel claws.]
Profanitron: Point me in the right <blooming> direction and I will <mess>  them up.
[Deity Guy turns to Mike Q.]
Mike Q: Uh, ******* and ****.
Deity Guy: Ah. Thank you.
[Doctor Derangemo points to Crazy Jesus and Mad Monkey Jesus, who hovor close above Talia, still pelting her with all their excremental fury. Profanitron leaps towards the Jesi, claws ready. The Jesi notice Profanitron just before he falls upon them and zip away. Profanitron misses his mark and falls upon Talia. In a blind rage, Profanitron drags his claws along Talia’s shirt, slicing it down the middle. Talia immediately covers her newly exposed stomach and black sports bra with her arms and turns a little red.]
Profanitron: <Shortcake>. You look like a two-cent <person who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse without any emotional attachments>.
Mike Q: ****. And, uh, ****.
[Profanitron leaps away to hunt the Jesi elsewhere within the lab. Doctor Derangemo dismounts Tampon-Bot and runs to a floor safe in the back of the room. He looks at the combination lock for about a minute.]
Doctor Derangemo: Tampon Bot! Come quickly!
[The hulking robot lumbers over to the safe and peers down at it.]
Tampon-Bot: Uh, are you sure you want to do this, Doctor? I mean, of all the things to steal-
Doctor Derangemo: Of course I’m sure! Not only does safe-cracking have the makings of a spectacular theft, but the item within can be used to remove these pests! Now crack the safe!
Mike Q: God ****.
[Tampon-Bot slams his heavy metal tampon arm down upon the safe, which splits in two instantly. Doctor Derangemo pulls away one side of the safe, reaches inside, and produces something that resembles a hockey helmet and a ray gun with fins at the back, just above the handle. Doctor Derangemo puts on the hockey helmet and jumps on Tampon-Bot’s back once again. Suddenly, a crash is heard from above and a shaft of light enters the lab.]
???: I wish to carry away the woman here who has the most nudity.
Gerald: Uh oh. It’s Perverto. [Gerald snickers]
Deity Guy: Who’s a what, now?
Gerald: He’s this alien robot that Derangemo fixed a long time ago or something. I don’t know. I try not to listen when Derangemo tells stories about the past, because most of the time the stories turn out to be completely untrue. All I know for sure is that Perverto’s obsessed with nudity.
Deity Guy: Ah.
[Perverto enters Doctor Derangemo’s field of view, standing a good seven or eight feet tall. His cylindrical body and black facial visor both shimmer in the daylight, as do his silver metallic claws and sleek black arms. Perverto turns towards Talia, points, and dashes forward to grab her. Talia stands up in order to sprint to safety, but it is too late.]
Perverto: You are currently the female with the most nudity in this room.
Talia: Oh no! Doctor, help!
Doctor Derangemo: No time! I need to make my daring escape!
Deity Guy: Uh… that’s bad for Talia, right?
Gerald: Nah, she’ll be fine. Perverto’s mostly harmless. Likes to take a peek, gets disappointed, and then leaves. Nothing a shower won’t cure.
Mike Q: ******* robot gives me the creeps.
[Flashes of light and smoke now fill the camera. Explosions and censored profanity can be heard in the background as Doctor Derangemo mounts Tampon-Bot once again.]
Doctor Derangemo: Now, Tampon Bot! Make for the window and jump!
Tampon-Bot: But, Doctor-
Doctor Derangemo: Do as I say, not as I do! Er, I mean…you know what I mean! Just do it!
[Tampon-Bot runs on clumsy legs towards the window. The closer he gets, the clearer the view becomes. As Tampon-Bot reaches the edge of the window, he turns around. Doctor Derangemo raises his arm and fires the ray guy. A sound resembling a turkey’s gobbling is emitted and the room lights up like a flash bulb.]
Deity Guy: [blinking repetitively] Ow, my freakin’ eye!
Mike Q: [rubbing his eyes] ****! Mother ******!
Gerald: Yeah. You get used to Atlantean ray guns after awhile. Really don’t do anything except annoy the living hell out of everyone in the room.
Deity Guy: Son of a…gah! [keeps blinking]
[Tampon-Bot runs into the lab a little bit, then runs full sprint towards the window. Though too large for the window, Tampon-Bot bursts forth in a spray of granite bricks. Doctor Derangemo looks as they fall. Crazy Jesus and Mad Monkey Jesus fly out of the same window, as does Perverto– with Talia held tightly in his arms. Then, a splash and the clear blue waters of Lake Michigan. It takes only a moment for Tampon-Bot to get Doctor Derangemo back to the shores along Castle Valerium.]
Deity Guy: I didn’t think he’d be able to do it, but he did it. Derangemo stole from his own castle. I mean, it didn’t look like the Jesi took anything. Anything at all.
Gerald: Not really, no. They did a lot of damage, though.
Mike Q: We ******* done here?
Deity Guy: Oh, uh, yeah.
[In a flash, Mike Q is gone.]
Deity Guy: Derangemo moves onto the next round. Now, to watch the clean-up!
Gerald: Ha. Fun. [Gerald rolls his eyes] Somehow, I think this will be worse than the actual attack.

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