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Where mayhem is the man-fish!

Posts Tagged ‘Mike P’

A Better Place

Posted by meekrat on September 30, 2010

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Time-Mind Sync-Warp #51

Posted by meekrat on September 20, 2010

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Time-Mind Sync-Warp #51

Posted by meekrat on August 16, 2010

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Time-Mind Sync-Warp #49

Posted by meekrat on August 11, 2010

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Time-Mind Sync-Warp #48

Posted by meekrat on August 9, 2010

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MMM 2010: Epilog

Posted by meekrat on August 4, 2010

[In Detroit, Logan Keanu Solo and his group of Paci Custodis appear in their kitchen. Clarence Claybourne and Graves sit down and begin eating bowls of Frosted Flakes, while Shrugs takes his Mister Lucky scarecrow outside. Logan Keanu Solo stretches and goes to watch television, but Player One looks around for a few moments, and then runs up to his room. There is no one there, and he sits down on his bed, takes off his goggles, and begins to cry. Jimmy Swift comes to his door and knocks.]
Jimmy Swift: Hey. You all right?
Player One: Oh god. You’re hear to make fun of me or something, aren’t you?
[Jimmy Swift takes a chair, the only one not covered with video game paraphernalia, and sits on it.]
Jimmy Swift: Not this time. I mean, I spent a lot of time with Cowboy Santa and Elfie after my events were over, and then they just got ripped away from me. He was like a father to me in the short time I knew him. I’ll get over it, though. I have to. You, though, you lost your three closest friends, am I right?
Player One: Yeah. I didn’t even think to ask Player Three and Four where they are, and I know where Player Two is, but there’s no way I can get to Cleveland. I tried once, but I got as far as the bus depot before I had to turn back.
Jimmy Swift: The important thing is that you know they’re still there, and now all of you can look for each other together. Or something. You can find them, is what I’m saying.
Player One: You’re right. I’m going to actually make a plan and all that! Look out, world! Here I come!
Jimmy Swift: That’s the spirit! Now buck up and start planning!
Player One: Why don’t you always act like this?
Jimmy Swift: I don’t like it. And if you ever tell anyone about me doing this, I swear to God I’ll kill you myself.
Player One: Understood.

[In the seventies, the super-spy group known as CAST are having a mission briefing. Suddenly, Agent Man-In-Charge feels a cold shiver run down his spine.]
Agent Pheromone: What’s wrong, boss-man?
Agent Man-In-Charge: I feel as if someone just tore a version of me from the past, forced it to participate in inane competitions, and then finally used it to power a machine designed to channel the power from extra-dimensional entities into a fat little bear.
Agent Seven-In-One: Spooky. I just had the same feeling. What about you, Agent Villain?
[Agent Villain stands in the corner, cleaning his fingernails with his knife.]
Agent Villain: Hmm?
Agent Seven-In-One: Did you feel all those things?
[Agent Villain sheathes his knife and shrugs.]
Agent Villain: No. I didn’t feel a thing.

[Mike P, Owen Reilly, Ethan Crane, Pikapunk, Antwon, and Cinco de Mayo arrive on the god-head island. A dirty unshaven figure runs out of the woods, his clothes torn, carrying a sharpened stick.]
Mike P: JJ?
JJ: Oh thank god! Where have you guys been? There weren’t any heads, thank God, but still, you guys were gone for so long! Where were you?
Jerald: We’re not at liberty to discuss that with you. Who are you, anyway?
JJ: Who are you?
[Jerald and JJ scowl at each other. JJ stops as his eyes widen.]
JJ: Oh! Like an hour ago, a bunch of buildings just popped out of nowhere.
Mike P: That was supposed to happen, sort of.
JJ: Okay. So it’s not crazy island stuff?
Mike P: Not really. Are they nice?
JJ: I guess. Completely empty, but nice.
Ethan Crane: No televisions?
JJ: Not one. No furniture at all.
Mike P: Looks like we’ll be going shopping soon, then.
JJ: I’ll be footing the bill for that?
Mike P: You bet.

[Mister Lucky and the Archaic English Society arrive in front of the Spire.]
Mister Lucky: Good to be back home, I guess. What an adventure that was, wasn’t it?
Amorphous Blob: We died.
Mister Lucky: Sure did. Important thing is that we’re all back now. Me, you, Hamilton, Nick, Matt, and weird red creature.
Professor Nick: What was that last one?
Mister Lucky: Weird red creature.
Baco: Oh yes! I’ve finally found where I belong, among English majors! What a happy day indeed!
Mister Lucky: Were you… supposed to come back with us?
Baco: Oh, no. I think I was supposed to go with Mike P and his crew, but I hitched a ride with you lot instead.
Mister Lucky: You could do that?
Professor Nick: I wish I had known! I would have gone with that young lady with the napkins covering her naughty bits.
Mister Lucky: [sighing] You’re welcome to stay for a bit, I guess.
Baco: I have plenty of places I could go, and was planning on staying regardless of your permission. Now then, where’s your library? There’s a book I’ve been meaning to read…

[The Animajor and the Righteous Smidgen appear in the middle of rural America, along with Perverto.]
The Animajor: Why were we all sent here?
Righteous Smidgen: I think it’s because none of us were pulled from anywhere. We just showed up.
Perverto: Whatevs! Smell you later!
[Perverto leaves, plodding towards the sunrise. A farmer grazing his cattle in the surrounding fields sees Perverto, screams out something about an alien invasion, pushes over one of his cows, slices open its belly, and tries his best to hide inside.]
The Animajor: [turning to the Righteous Smidgen] So what will you do?
Righteous Smidgen: I think I’ll go visit the Paragon People. Perhaps they’ll let me stay with them for a bit, perhaps be on their team. What will you do?
The Animajor: I don’t want to be considered a villain. I’d like to be a hero, so I think I’ll work on that. At the very least, perhaps work my way up to anti-hero status. If you know where the Paragon People are located, I could possibly drop you off…
Righteous Smidgen: Captain Depresso said they were currently based in a town in Indiana. Woburn, I think he said.
The Animajor: All right. Off to Woburn, Indiana, then.
[The Animajor picks up the Righteous Smidgen, holds the diminutive hero in his hand, and away they go.]

[Back in Detroit, Shoshy Raphael enters city hall. The secretary looks up at him.]
Secretary: One moment please.
[The secretary looks down at the desk and concentrates on her work for only a few seconds before she realizes to whom she was speaking. She looks back up at Shoshy Raphael, smiling nervously.]
Secretary: Mister Raphael! We didn’t expect to see you back!
Shoshy Raphael: Obviously not. Now then, what’s occurred while I’ve been away?
Secretary: Crime went way down, which was good. So did super heroic activity, which should make you happy because I know you don’t appreciate the superheroes. The hospital opened their new wing, a new library opened, an older library burned down, and you were replaced.
Shoshy Raphael: Very good. I’ll be in my office if you need me.
[Shoshy Raphael takes three steps, stops, blinks, then turns suddenly to his secretary.]
Shoshy Raphael: I’ve been replaced?! You can’t replace me! I’m the mayor!
Secretary: “Were” the mayor. Sorry, Mister Raphael. Your successor, a Mister Hain —
Shoshy Raphael: [stroking his chin] Hain. Hain? The name doesn’t–wait, you mean the costume shop mogul? That “Mister Hain”?
Secretary: The costume shop mogul and new mayor of Detroit, Mister Raphael. Anyway, Mister Hain said there’s a room for you in his mansion should you need it.
Shoshy Raphael: Let me guess. His mansion is actually MY mansion.
Secretary: “Was” your mansion. Again, sorry, Mister Raphael. Oh, I almost forgot! Mister Hain also insisted that I hand this message to you personally.
Shoshy Raphael: [sighing] Well, I might as well take a look at it.
[The secretary hands over an envelope, sealed with the mayor’s wax stamp.]
Shoshy Raphael: [mumbling] Hain already has a mansion. No reason he needs two of them.
[Shoshy Raphael heads outside, opens the letter, and reads it over once, twice, and a third time.]
Shoshy Raphael: Hm. What an interesting offer, I must say. Almost makes being ousted from office worth it.
[With a grin, Shoshy Raphael folds the letter and places it into his pocket. Walking forward, Shoshy Raphael melts into the bustling crowds roaming the streets of downtown Detroit as the early morning sun rises into the daytime sky.]

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MMM 2010: Finale Finale

Posted by meekrat on August 3, 2010

Shoshy Raphael: I’ll go. Consider it a part of my penance.
Iavi: How are you going to get him up there?
Shoshy Raphael: By using my ring! Also, Baggy Satan.
Baggy Satan: Not so sure that’s a good idea, guv’ner.
Shoshy Raphael: Of course it is. Now get us to the top of that mountain of goo!
[Baggy Satan sighs and grabs Edwin Cloudstar and Shoshy Raphael. Edwin Cloudstar deflects the blasts as much as he can, until they reach the top of the beast.]
Edwin Cloudstar: Here I go.
[Edwin Cloudstar drops and sinks through the goo, still holding the bomb, and disappearing from sight. Shoshy Raphael and Baggy Satan fly to the top of the Coliseum of the Stupid to watch what happens.]
Baggy Satan: Shouldn’t you be down there?
Shoshy Raphael: No. I’ve done more than enough, and I refuse to die here today.
Baggy Satan: What about all the other blokes?
Shoshy Raphael: After this… thing is dead and gone I’ll scour the bodies to find the other rings. Then I’ll wear them all. It should grant me great power. I doubt even the Stupid could stand to face me.
[An explosion takes place at the core of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, causing him to be blown to bits. Edwin Cloudstar walks out of the totally ruined stadium, not looking at the explosion behind him. While everyone’s eyes are on the explosion, Shoshy Raphael and Baggy Satan sneak to the back of the group. Edwin Cloudstar, Shoshy Raphael, and Baggy Satan reach the group.]
Iavi: Good job, kid! Quick thinking. I don’t think there’s any way that thing can come back now.
Xavier Malcolm: Yeah, unless he becomes an energy being or something. What are the chances of that, though?
Baco: Really! The chances of such a thing happening are at least a million to one!
Antwon: Two million to one, perhaps!
Bukake: Look! Something emerges from the danger zone!
[All look to see a ghostly image of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew‘s face floating over the stadium. It unleashes two crackles of energy, totally vaporizing the Coliseum of the Stupid and the Hippodrome of Lamp Prime.]
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: I have become more than mortal! You have aided me to shed my fragile shell and now I exist as pure thought, pure energy! Taste my wrath!
[The Bear Machine,, its googly eyes shaking, begins shooting bears out with such ferocity that they fly at the energy.]
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: There was once a time when I would grant you mercy, but that time is gone, lifetimes ago!
Mike P: That was like an hour ago!
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: No matter!
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew vaporizes the Bear Machine, and Purga the Demon-Thing.]
Iavi: What the hell?
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: He was plotting, as you all are! I will destroy each and everyone one of you!
Iavi: Champions. Idea time.
Mike P: He’s made of pure energy, right?
Iavi: Yes, yes.
Mike P: I absorb energy.
Iavi: Yes!
[Fadeaway is vaporized.]
Mike P: Only, it’s a passive thing. I need Shoshy Raphael to shoot me with his fire, and maybe Purple Lamp to shield me on the way up.
Xavier Malcolm: Of cour —
[Xavier Malcolm is cut off due to being vaporized, along with Baco and Antwon.]
Owen Reilly: Okay!
[Bukake and Logan Keanu Solo are vaporized.]
Iavi: Hurry, before we —
[Iavi is vaporized, along with Xig.]
Shoshy Raphael: Fly, you fool!
[Owen Reilly puts Shoshy Raphael and Mike P in one of his bubbles. As they fly up, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew is too busy vaporizing Edwin Cloudstar, the Animajor, Baggy Satan, and Jihad Man to care much about them. They reach the top and Mike P flies into the heart of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew.]
Mike P: It’s… it’s all tingly!
Shoshy Raphael: Are you ready?!
Mike P: Do it!
[Shoshy Raphael begins blasting Mike P with fire, and as he absorbs the fire, he also absorbs the energy form of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Mike P begins to pulsate with power.]
Mike P: Keep it up! He’s almost done!
Shoshy Raphael: I can’t! It’s burning my hand! I’ve never used it for so long before!
Owen Reilly: I’ll help!
[Owen Reilly uses his lamp of power to insulate Shoshy Raphael’s hand from the fire. Soon, the energy form of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew has almost completely dissipated.]
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: You cannot destroy me! I will return, stronger than I was —
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew is cut off by the last of his energy being channeled into Mike P. Shoshy Raphael lowers his hand.]
Mike P: Purple Lamp! Make a funnel thing pointing at the sky!
[Owen Reilly does so, and Mike P shoots the energy through it. A faint “flargy margy dargy” can be heard being shot off into space.]
Mike P: So we’re done?
Shoshy Raphael: It would certainly appear that way.
Owen Reilly: I’ll take us down.
[The trio of champions land upon the bloody battlefield. Shoshy Raphael nudges a body with his foot.]
Shoshy Raphael: It would appear we’re the only ones left alive.
Owen Reilly: Hooray?
Mike P: Sort of.
[The Embodiments appear, and the champions tense up, despite being battle-weary and wounded.]
Deity Guy: Calm down, calm down.
Mike P: You sent Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew to try to kill us! It took all our powers to stop him!
The Stupid: Yeah, you did us a favor, there.
Shoshy Raphael: I’ll do you a favor after I find the other four rings, you vile creature!
[Shoshy Raphael bends down and picks up a charred hand.]
Shoshy Raphael: No ring here!
Lamp Prime: Really, guys. We’re not here to hurt you.
Owen Reilly: Okay.
[Owen Reilly sits down on the ground, legs crossed.]
The Stupid: I’ll admit, that whole thing right there? It got a bit out of control towards the end there.
Shoshy Raphael: Out of control? OUT OF CONTROL?! Everyone who came here is dead but the three of us! That’s not out of control, it’s genocide!
Deity Guy: Nothing to worry about. Everything is balanced again now, so it’s all good.
Mike P: Everyone is still dead.
[In the realm between life and death, everyone has abandoned the line and begun milling around.]
Barry, He Who is Death: All right. All right. God, there’s a lot of you. Okay, organize yourselves by age. Oldest first.
[Brachiosaur stands defiantly at the back of the line, while Professor Nick stands at the front. After much conversation, everyone else just stands wherever.]
Barry: Come on, there’s no way a dinosaur is older than a guy.
Brachiosaur: Brachi!
Barry: What?
Wyandotte: He says he’s young at heart.
Barry: I don’t want his heart, I want his soul. But whatever, don’t make my life any easier. Okay, what’s your name?
Professor Nick: Professor Nick!
Barry: Last name?
[Professor Nick looks at him, befuddled.]
Professor Nick: Nick?
Barry: So your first name is Professor?
Professor Nick: Oh, heavens no! That would be silly.
Barry: So what is your first name?
Professor Nick: Nick!
[Barry sighs and looks at the crowd, noticing several people who continually give him trouble such as Leo Leopolous and Mister Frink.]
Barry: Are any of you not going to give me trouble with this?
[There is a murmur of answers, all negative. Barry face-palms.]
Barry: Okay. Okay. Let’s start with someone whose name doesn’t sound like a cartoon character. Steve Chaccierone. Why does that name sound so familiar?
Steve the Chach: Dude!
Barry: Oh god. Not one of you guys.
Steve the Chach: Jon! J-Horn! Jay Jay! Look who it is! Tall skinny guy! All right!
Jonathan Hortenz: Steve, that’s death.
Steve the Chach: Wait, so you’re dead?
Jonathan Hortenz: We’re all dead.
Steve the Chach: Dude. Duuuuuuuuuude. Dude. Wait, wait. Remember that other time we met? At that party?
Barry: Unfortunately.
Steve the Chach: We can do Animaniacs!
Barry: Be quiet about that!
Elvin Clovar: Wait, I think I know the episode he’s referring to!
Player One: Let us do Animaniacs!
Steve the Chach: Yeah! We can challenge you!
[The crowd begins chanting “Animaniacs” and shouting about the Animaniacs rule. Barry sighs.]
Barry: Fine. I need you all to think of a number between one and ten.
Professor Nick: Thirty-seven!
Brachiosaur: Brachi!
Graves: Go to hell!
Elvin Clovar: Negative six!
Metallic Spheroid: Pi!
[Barry looks blankly at the crowd, a feat easily accomplished since he has no eyes.]
Barry: What? You’re just a shape. No, no. Whatever. Oh hey, look at that. You all beat me. You all get to live.
[As everyone pops back to the world of the living, three more arrive. Captain Zimball and Diamond Destiny, now fully clothed and holding hands, look around nervously. The Righteous Smidgen feels his throat.]
Barry: Oh, come on! Where the hell did you three come from?
[Diamond Destiny looks Barry over and immediately drops Captain Zimball’s hand, sidling up to Barry and rubbing her hand over his sleeve. As she does so, she becomes horrified as she realizes only bone is underneath.]
Barry: Stop that, okay? Weren’t you three killed by Baggy Jesus whatever-his-face?
Righteous Smidgen: No. It was Agent Villain.
Barry: Really? You trusted someone with that name not to kill you. It’s your own fault. Please stop touching me, ma’am. I don’t even have any organs.
[Diamond Destiny stops touching Barry and pouts her way over to Captain Zimball. He puts his hand on her shoulder and she brushes it off.]
Barry: Anyway, I just let everyone else who died who wasn’t a time-clone pop back to the world of the living after they challenged me. You want to challenge me, or do you just want to go to the Afterlife?
Righteous Smidgen: I think I’d rather live.
Captain Zimball: I got things I need to do.
Diamond Destiny: Let us live and I’ll give you your wallet back.
[Diamond Destiny holds up a wallet, and Barry touches his pocket where his wallet, certainly, is not. Barry sighs, snaps his fingers, and his wallet is back in his pocket. He points to each of the dead in turn.]
Barry: Biff. Zam. Pow. See you jerks later.
[Back in the realm of the living, everyone suddenly pops back to life as if nothing ever happened.]
Deity Guy: See? No one is dead!
Mike P: But… what… how?
Lamp Prime: I’m feeling sort of down again… Mister Lucky is still dead.
[However, out of the shadows steps a familiar figure.]
Mister Lucky: Did someone say Mister Lucky?
[Elsewhere in the area, Doctor Derangemo teleports in, hurriedly brushing sandwich crumbs off his labcoat. Agent Villain slinks in next to the remaining agents of ZODIAC.]
Mister Lucky: I was never dead! It was a clone!
Shoshy Raphael: You inconsiderate fool! If you had just come clean about being alive, all of this could have probably been avoided!
Mister Lucky: I needed to make sure Agent Villain and the Stupid weren’t up to no good.
The Animajor: Did you find the Righteous Smidgen?
Righteous Smidgen: They did! I guess the Stupid was, in fact, evil. You leave and you learn!
Lamp Prime: You sure do!
[Everyone starts laughing heartily, save Mike P and Shoshy Raphael, who stare at the Embodiments and everyone else, who seem to not care that all the hardships experienced over the past few hours — indeed, the past few weeks — could have been avoided if one man hadn’t faked his death, and if another man had the good sense to realize that a being called the Stupid was, in fact, malevolent.]
Shoshy Raphael: Really! What the bloody hell is this?
Mike P: Seriously!
Deity Guy: Okay, okay. Calm down. We have prizes for you three, and one more for the guy who’s the grand winner of this whole thing!
The Stupid: First, Shoshy Raphael! If you really want to be the Embodiment of Evil, why not?
Shoshy Raphael: Truly?
The Stupid: Nope! You get this gold medallion! If you peel off the gold and look inside, look! It’s chocolate!
[Shoshy Raphael takes the chocolate, nibbles on it, and frowns.]
Shoshy Raphael: Oh. Goodie.
Deity Guy: Next, Mike P. We figured it was only fair for you to get a new resort.
Mike P: Really? Maybe I was wrong —
Deity Guy: Then we decided, nah! Why should we do that? Instead, here’s a gold medallion! If you peel the gold off this one, it’s chocolate!
[Mike P takes the chocolate and bites off a piece and chews. He scowls at the Embodiments.]
Mike P: Gee. Thanks.
Deity Guy: Is it good?
Mike P: [angrily] It’s delicious.
Lamp Prime: Finally, for Owen Reilly, here’s a gold medallion!
Owen Reilly: Oh boy! Is it chocolate?
Lamp Prime: It sure is!
Owen Reilly: ALL RIGHT!
Deity Guy: Now, for the final ultra-special prize. Mike P, you’re the ultra-winner since they kept going with your plans.
Mike P: Hooray. I won this thing last year and you didn’t give me what I wanted.
Deity Guy: Well, this year, you’re going to get a brand new resort on that island with all the heads!
Mike P: Oh. Thanks. Now I feel bad for conning JJ into being willing to foot the bill.
Deity Guy: As well you should! Congratulations! Now then, we hope everyone had a good time here this year, we’ll see you back next year for another tournament!
Iavi: Wait, that’s it? Everything’s all hunky-dory and everyone is friends again?
Lamp Prime: Pretty much.
Iavi: All right.
Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: Toodles, everyone!
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew begins dancing a jig, and everyone claps and laughs. Mike P and Shoshy Raphael look in in disbelief, but as the now benign and diminutive bear continues, they both shrug and allow themselves to smile. As Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew dances, various beings are transported back to their homes.]

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MMM 2010: Finale #4

Posted by meekrat on July 29, 2010



Mike P: I’m pretty sure people might enjoy my thing.
Xig: What’s your thing?
[Mike P takes a deep breath and flies above the legion of challengers on his disc.]
Mike P: If you’ve got an energy weapon, shoot me with it!
[All the challengers with energy weapons begins shooting Mike P with them, some with much more enjoyment than others. Those without energy weapons attack Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew until Mike P begins glowing like a collapsing star. He turns towards Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, flies towards him, and begins unleashing the energy, forcing himself to keep flying as he does so lest the energy blast push him back. As the last of the excess energy leaves his body, Mike P allows himself to be pushed back. The energy blast seems to do the trick, and Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew screams in pain. At the lair of the Embodiments…]
The Stupid: More power! MORE POWER!
Deity Guy: We’re giving her all we’ve got!
The Stupid: You obviously aren’t! The meters are still… oh, wait. They stopped. We’re all now completely powerless!
Lamp Prime: Wait, wait. Really?
The Stupid: Yes! Though we can get our power back at any time by flicking this switch.
Deity Guy: There’s no switch there. In fact, the whole console has been replaced by a featureless purple cube-like shape.
The Stupid: That’s nonsense!
Lamp Prime: He’s right. Turn around.
[The Stupid turns around, and sees that the ghost machine has been replaced by a giant featureless purple cube-like shape.]
The Stupid: This… this wasn’t supposed to happen. Now, once Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew has destroyed our enemies, he’ll be able to destroy us as well! He’s basically become a malevolent deity! This is all my fault!
Deity Guy: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You had no idea this would happen.
The Stupid: Well, you see, shortly after Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew arrived, I sent someone into his head to stomp around and make him go insane. Apparently, this has also made him much more proactive in his defense.
[Deity Guy and Lamp Prime stare at the Stupid, who grins sheepishly.]
Deity Guy: Dude. What the hell?
[At the stadiums, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew transforms once again. This time, he becomes a giant blob-like creature with a tiny leprechaun hat perched upon it, with various pieces of robot, monkey, bear, leprechaun, and human shifting in and out of its mass. It also begins flinging things at the various challengers, and shooting bolts of various energies. While its accuracy leaves much to be desired, the sheer mass of attacks is proving to be fatal to many challengers. In a misguided attempt to lighten the mood, Charlie Charleston dances to the head of the crowd.]

Charlie Charleston: Charleston, Charleston, dah dah dadadah Charlie Charleston, I’m better than you!
[The the Charleston Hate Imp arrives nearly instantly, and due to his proximity to Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, is beefed up by the excess power. Instead of the small yet dangerous being he once was, he, too, becomes a hulking monstrosity. The crowd lets loose a collective groan, but then the the Charleston Hate Imp touches Charlie Charleston. Charlie Charleston is immediately set on fire, and begins to expand. The man’s eyes pop first, spraying goo all over the place. Next, the buttons on his suit begin popping off, their ricochets dooming several more challengers, until finally, Charlie Charleston’s flesh has been stretched as far as it will go and the man explodes, his flaming body parts landing all over the place. The Camel leaps into the air to grab an errant foot, and greedily begins shlurping the rest of what was once Charlie Charleston. Once he’s completed this, he notices how many more corpses there are, and sighs contentendly. The Thrifty Scouts fly out over the crowd to confront Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Mike P is none too pleased, especially since Elvin Clovar has convinced Perverto to hold aloft a boombox to blare the Thrifty Scouts Theme Song.]
Mike P: We saw you die! The Kzagnox totally killed you!
Thrifty Scout Asgard: Kawaii! It’s a good thing he didn’t get our special Thrifty Star Seeds! Now then, you big old monster, we will punish you!
[As the Thrifty Scouts are preparing to attack, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew focuses upon them, and with one blast, they’re disentegrated. Ethan Crane and Lord Tentacula join elbows and begin to dance with joy. Scoop Griswald runs around snapping photographs while Jonathan Hortenz, hit by one of Charlie Charleston’s shoes, has begun to drone on as if he was doing a DVD commentary of the battle. Steve the Chach is attempting to light Molotov cocktails using his bottles of Jaeger, a feat which proves impossible considering how he refuses to waste the Jaeger and empties each bottle beforehand. Danger Force sits around and laughs at everyone else as they run around, trying to dodge Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew’s attacks. The three champions continue to attack.]
Shoshy Raphael: I’d say this is hopeless!
Mike P: Not if we get a deus ex machina up in here!
[As if on cue, a light comes from the western sky, framing a figure on a mighty steed.]
Shoshy Raphael: Good god, is that — ?
Owen Reilly: It is! It is! Brachiosaur the White!
[Sure enough, Brachiosaur is riding into battle upon Wyandotte Thompson, much to Wyandotte’s chagrin. He is brandishing a relatively small sword which still dwarfs a man. Alongside him ride El Presidente on an especially large dog, Leo Leopolous astride his riding lion, Sexy Jiro on top of his gimp, the Cart King atop one of his carts, Jerald on his flying disc, Mister Frink on his gyrocopter, Cart King and Mad Monkey Jesus aboard the flying cross, and the Unibear on his unicycle.]
Brachiosaur: BRACHI! BRACH BRACH BRACHIOSAUR BRACHI BRACH BRACHIOSAUR!
Unibear: Graaahnk!
[However, one by one the riders are cut down by errant blasts from Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew until only Unibear remains. He rolls up to Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew and looks up at the monstrous blob, half-heartedly scratching it.]
Unibear: Grahn.
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew pulsates, the movement being enough to crush the Unibear.]
Iavi: Well, boys, this isn’t how I thought I’d die, but it’s been nice knowing you, I guess.
Charleston Charge: We still have a chance, if only Edolie DePrit would show up. She usually shows up, then I save the day.
Mike P: We don’t have time to wait!
Charleston Charge: Sure we —
[Charleston Charge is suddenly hit with a beam of energy, falling to the ground.]
Shoshy Raphael: You did tell him we didn’t have time to wait.
[Off to the side, the Embodiment of Chaos steps out from between moments. He looks around.]
Embodiment of Chaos: Damn. Looks like I don’t even have to be here.
[He steps back. Other than the three champions, only a handful of challengers remain. This includes Edwin Cloudstar, Baco, Antwon, Iavi, Xig, Fadeaway, the Animajor, Xavier Malcolm, Logan Keanu Solo, Gerald, Jihad Man, Purga the Demon-Thing, the Bear Machine, and Bukake.]
Iavi: I think we should find cover, maybe think up a plan.
Edwin Cloudstar: Oh, forget plans. Get me one of those Purple Lamp bombs.
Mike P: What are you going to do?
Edwin Cloudstar: I’m going to jump into that thing and blow it up from the inside.
Shoshy Raphael: A good plan. I expect nothing less from my old foe.
Edwin Cloudstar: Don’t think I’ve forgotten what you tried to do.
Shoshy Raphael: I don’t.
[A bomb is made and given to Edwin Cloudstar.]
Edwin Cloudstar: I need one of you to get me up to the top so I can sink through.
Iavi: No. It’s a suicide mission.
Mike P: We’ll be fine, I’m sure. Besides, whoever does it can get really close to attack.
Shoshy Raphael: I suppose it’ll work.

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MMM 2010: Finale #3

Posted by meekrat on July 28, 2010


Owen Reilly: Save us, Mike P!
Mike P: Okay!
[Mike P hops on his flying disc and narrowly dodges the beast, shooting a steady barrage of energy blasts at the ceiling. Soon, pieces of it start falling randomly, many pieces falling upon the beast, the others hitting the floor, or bouncing harmlessly off Owen Reilly’s force-bubble. Suddenly, a chunk disengages itself from the rest of it and falls directly on top of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, pinning him to the ground. Mike P lands his flying disc by the other two champions.]
Mike P: I don’t think it’s over.
[At the lair of the Embodiments…]
The Stupid: Damn!
Deity Guy: What now? I think it’s about time we call it quits. I mean, it was fun while it lasted, but maybe now it’s best to get back to the daily grind.
Lamp Prime: Yes, I think that’s a fine idea.
The Stupid: No! The pathways of power have been opened! We shall channel our own power into Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew so that he will continue changing and become more and more powerful!
Deity Guy: More powerful and murderous. I thought he was supposed to challenge them, not kill them. I really don’t want anymore people to die.
The Stupid: The murderousness is for a completely different reason! Besides, these people abandoned us!
Lamp Prime: We were acting like jerks.
The Stupid: No reason for them to act like jerks to us! Besides, we can recall the power whenever we like!
Deity Guy: In that case, I guess I’ll go for it.
Lamp Prime: You can’t be serious.
Deity Guy: The man knows how to sell.
Lamp Prime: Fine. I’ll give my power, too.
The Stupid: Excellent! Let the transfer commence!
[Outside the stadiums, the trio of champions runs out to meet the other challengers.]
Charleston Charge: Hey! What was going on in there?
Mike P: You don’t want to know. We all need to get as far away from here as we can.
Mister Frink: You three appear to have things well in hand.
Shoshy Raphael: Listen to the green creature! We must away!
Owen Reilly: Yeah. It’s really bad, you guys.
Thomas Iavi: How bad can it be?
The Wiper: It’s Meekrat, isn’t it? You guys all brought us here for Meekrat!
[The Meerkat chooses this inopportune time to walk in, holding a glass of iced tea and sipping from it.]
Tom Phillipson: That’s right!
Bootman: Let’s give ’em the boot!
Robbin Hood: Shit, man! Let’s give ’em the whole damn foot!
The Wiper: That doesn’t make any sense, but okay!
Meerkat: Wait, what’s going on?
Tom Phillipson: The Meerkat/Meekrat connection!
[Many villains run after the Meerkat, who attempts to burrow underground. One of the villains grabs his foot, and they begin beating him mercilessly. Soon, they walk away, grim smiles on their faces, a beaten Meerkat left in their wake. Elvin Clovar looks upon him.]
Elvin Clovar: I’m just glad I’m not the one to get beaten to death this time.
The Wiper: Problem solved!
[Behind them, a colossal, even more monstrous version of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew stands up, larger than the former Megadome and the other two stadiums. He roars and all faces turn to it.]
Jerald: Oh my.
Iavi: You three champion people. We’re here to help in whatever way we can.
Shoshy Raphael: Ah, good, then at least we’ll all die around the same time.
Iavi: Buck up. We all know a thing or two about fighting, I’d think. Just give the word.
Owen Reilly: Which word?
[Iavi takes a deep breath and points at Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew.]
Iavi: ATTACK!
[The champions lead the charge, but are more than halfway towards their enemy when they turn and see less than half of the challengers following them. The rest have either decided not to do anything or attack each other, despite the clear and present danger. Iavi sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.]
Iavi: God damn it. You three go do whatever, I’ll get these guys on the same page.
Mike P: If you don’t hurry, that page will be the obituaries.
Iavi: Just go attack the monster, okay?
[Iavi darts into the melee and gets hit with a wave of deja vu, especially since he is doing so in an attempt to retrieve Kareem and Toddo once again. He quickly retrieves them, and takes them to the middle of the melee where, for some odd reason, there’s a perfect circle of peace. Iavi places the two children and they attempt to stop the battle through monologues. However, without any voice amplification equipment, their efforts are for naught. All seems lost when singing is heard. As the singing comes closer, the singer can be seen: a robot which looks like an ass with two legs, marching along with a very ragged and weary marching band behind him.]
Ass-Bot: Bum bum bum bedumbum — Bum! Bum, bum bedumdum, bum bum bumbum bum. Bum! Bum, bum bedumbum, bum bum dumdebum, bum dedumbum bum!
[As Ass-Bot marches through the melee, all participants stop and stare. Iavi, sensing an oppurtunity, signals Kareem and Toddo. Both gape, and fail to say anything, when Kareem manages to get some words out.]
Kareem: Good golly, but what the heck are all you guys doing?
Toddo: Seriously! There’s a giant monster over there who wants to kill us all!
[All the combatants talk amongst themselves as Ass-Bot and his marching band march away, with the marching band complaining in shifts the whole way. Eventually, an agreement is made and everyone begins running towards Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Elsewhile, the three champions look up at the towering monstrosity.]
Mike P: We really shouldn’t. I think this calls for a redux of our first successful attack.
Iavi: Which was?
Mike P: Either everyone with an energy attack bombards me so I can unleash a mega-attack, we fill up a Purple Lamp bomb with the energy, or we all distract Baggy Jesus while Shoshy leads an attack on his rear.
[Iavi runs up, with the Red Scare, Solana, and Xig. The legion of challengers stops behind them, many looking up at Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew and seriously reconsidering their life choices.]
Iavi: We’ll help in whatever way we can.

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MMM 2010 Finale #2

Posted by meekrat on July 27, 2010


Shoshy Raphael: I actually vote for your plan, since it means I get to shoot you.
Mike P: Just hurry up and do it!
[As Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew slowly walks towards the trio of champions, Shoshy Raphael shoots a steady stream of fire at Mike P while Owen Reilly shoots a beam of purple lamp energy. They continue and Mike P begins to glow a reddish purple. Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew comes closer and closer.]
Shoshy Raphael: Any time now!
Mike P: We only get one shot!
Shoshy Raphael: Then take it!
[Mike P sighs, and lets the energy loose upon Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. It continues erupting from his body for several minutes, at the end of which Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew is lying on the ground. Mike P walks over to him and pokes him with his foot.]
Mike P: I think he’s still alive. I have this feeling that this isn’t over, though.
[The Embodiments watch in amazement as their final weapon fails.]
The Stupid: We need more power! More ghosts!
Deity Guy: None are within range! Hold on, I’m getting something on the radar… it looks like someone is looking out for us!
[Outside, the challengers are all making their way toward the stadiums. Danger Force is horsing around towards the back, while everyone else is traveling in formation. The Paci Custodis have taken the perimeter, weapons at the ready should anything go down. The superheroes and supervillains walk slightly inward, some of them flying above the mass of people, ready to defend themselves if needed.]
Leroy Cancer: [staccato voice] How are you feeling?
Leo Leopolous: [mechanical voice] Let’s kill agents.
Leroy Cancer: [staccato voice] Good to hear. Troopers, status report.
Gemini Twin Trooper #1: Nothing to report, sir.
Leroy Cancer: [staccato voice] Good. Good.
The Pharaoh Pisces McCool: This feels right. Like the days of old.
Doctor Aquarius: It is. It’s a shame the others couldn’t be here.
[Captain Rocket Fumblecorn hovers overhead.]
Captain Rocket Fumblecorn: They got their reasons, no mistake.
[Suddenly, Leo Leopolous stops and his voice-box starts to crackle. He growls.]
Leo Leopolous: [mechanical voice] Let’s kill agents! Let’s kill agents! I like the taste of honey!
Doctor Aquarius: What’s wrong?
[Suddenly, the ghost of the time-clone of the Mastakat appears. The man’s face is filled with horror, and suddenly he is sucked away.]
Gemini Twin Trooper #2: Son of a bitch!
[Leroy Cancer and Captain Rocket Fumblecorn, being time-clones, are sucked away as well.]
Doctor Aquarius: Red Scare! Are you seeing this?
Red Scare: I see it! Look! It’s happening all over!
Agent Man-In-Charge: I’m sure we’ll all sleep more safely in our beds knowing their evil — hold on, what’s going on?
Agent Big Fish: I… don’t feel thirsty.
Agent Pheromone: You always feel thirsty.
Agent Seven-In-One: This can’t be good.
[All four CAST agents are sucked away. Around them, more and more people begin to take notice.]
Jerald: What the blazes is happening here?
Purga the Demon-Thing: Those fools! If they’ve done what I think they’ve done…
[Cowboy Santa and Elfie are riding alongside Jimmy Swift. Snippley Marrowind trails behind, twirling his mustache and fingering a spherical bomb within his coat.]
Jimmy Swift: You had one final lesson to teach me, Cowboy Santa. What was it?
Cowboy Santa: You were on the naughty list when we first met, but over these past few months, I’ve checked my list twice and now, you’re almost on the nice list. The final lesson — uh oh!
[Cowboy Santa puts his finger against his nose as he and Elfie are sucked away. Snippley Marrowind, too, is sucked away, as well as the time-clone of Horatio Chan.]
Jimmy Swift: Cowboy Santa?! NO!
[ Murgatroyd is walking alongside Honky Kong and Fahktard Kahnt, continually punching the pained primate. Shizamablam! walks a little ways behind, wary of his enemies. Shizamablock walks alongside him. Suddenly, Honky Kong, Fahktard Kahnt, and Shizamablam! start to be sucked away.]
Honky Kong: Aw jeez! It feels like my skin’s being torn off! So nice!
Shizamablock Nah, dawg! Naw! NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA —
[Shizamablock notices that Shizamablam! is well and truly gone now.]
Shizamablock: Ah. Thank god he’s gone. I be black, but I ain’t nearly black as him.
[Tim Aneric, a comedian who wears a sheet over himself, steps up to Shizamablock.]
Tim Aneric: You know what else is black?
Shizamablock: I ain’t got time for you.
Tim Aneric: A crayon! Oh!
[Suddenly, Tim Aneric is sucked away. This time, we follow his path as he is pulled from the crowd and winds up clogging the machine some distance away, which had mistaken him for being a real ghost.]
Deity Guy: Is that enough power?
The Stupid: Yes! Open the pathways! It’s time to super-charge Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew!
[In the Megadome, the trio are walking out of the stadium when they hear a low rumbling behind them. Suddenly, the Contrivance Hawk explodes, throwing them to the ground. As they roll onto their backs, they see a monstrous figure rise from the burning wreckage: Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew’s second, more monstrous, form. He lets out a roar, ending with a faint “flargy dargy margy”.]


Mike P: They really want to kill us, don’t they?
Shoshy Raphael: Oh yes. They want to kill us in the worst way.
Owen Reilly: I really don’t want to die.
[Outside, the crowds see the destruction of the Megadome and stop for a moment.]
Graves: I vote we don’t keep going.
Logan Keanu Solo: We have to keep going. They might need our help.
Graves: Look, we can come back and bury the bodies when that thing is gone, right?
Thomas Iavi: After it’s done with them, it’s bound to come after us.
Graves: So it’s that thing or me? Hope it’s not bullet-proof.
[Back inside, the trio of champions watch as the monstrous Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew walks towards them, roaring with each step.]
Shoshy Raphael: Hold on, it looks like it’s still getting used to its new proportions.
Mike P: If we hit it quick, we might not die!
Owen Reilly: I like that plan.
Mike P: Yes! Plans of attack, quick!
Owen Reilly: I could use my Purple Lamp to throw a bunch of stuff at him.
Shoshy Raphael: Good, good! I could create an explosion under him using my ring. It would knock him off-balance.
Mike P: Super! I could use my hat to shoot at what’s left of the roof, make it fall down on him.
[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew roars.]
Shoshy Raphael: Whatever we decide, it better be quick!

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