The Meekrat Entertainment Group

Where mayhem is the man-fish!

Race Against the Sun

Posted by meekrat on May 5, 2010

It happened on the thirtieth of April in a small hamlet in Michigan. Those who knew about it cared oh so much, and they were determined to make sure that no one else would find out. If they did, the results would be devastating. The police were called, but they largely didn’t care. After all, the merchandise that was stolen was going to be given away anyway, wasn’t it? What did it matter if it was stolen? The fact that chaos would likely ensue if it didn’t make it into the hands of the proper people was an issue the police decided would be dealt with if the time came. With so little time left and not knowing what else to do, they put an ad on Craigslist, hoping against hope that someone would answer the call.

Luckily for them, justice was on their side: a being known as Lamp Prime took pity upon them and summoned the mighty Cinco de Mayo to aid them in their time of need! The quintet made their way to Detroit, little knowing that another was coming as well.

“Our first step will be to gather as much information as possible,” said Jerald, a gnome wizard who was the leader of the team.

“Input sammich,” inquired Baggy Wallis, a highly-destructive robot with the mind of a hobo.

“When our mission is done,” replied Jerald, knocking on the door to a comic book shop.

A timid voice came from within, nearly inaudible when muffled by the door, “Who is it?”

“We’re Cinco de Mayo,” said Jerald, “We’re here to help.”

A minute later, the door opened a crack, “Are you a super-hero team?”

Jerald pondered this for a moment. They certainly weren’t super-heroes. Adventurers, perhaps? “We’re an adventuring team.”

The door opened fully, and a thin bald man rolled his eyes, “I guess you’ll do. Come in, there’s pizza.”

“Input pizza,” exclaimed Baggy Wallis, taking a piece and smearing it against his immobile face.

The comic shop owner surveyed Cinco de Mayo, lingering for an uncomfortably long time upon the cat-girl Charlotte. Jerald coughed, and the man snapped out of his reprieve.

“Well, there’s the thing. Someone stole our comics.”

Toddo, an alien child, looked around, “There still seem to be an awful lot of comics here.”

“No, our comics for tomorrow. It’s Free Comic Book Day, and someone took all our free comic books.”

Jerald pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes, and sighed heavily, “Why can’t a Free Comic Book Day go by without hi-jinks?”

“If you’re just giving them away anyway, why do you care if they’re stolen,” said Toddo.

“Don’t you see? Free Comic Book Day is a day that brings the magic of comic books to everyone, no matter how much money they have. Besides, Lamp Prime wouldn’t have sent us on this mission if it wasn’t important,” said Jerald, waving his arms madly.

The comic shop owner perked up, “Lamp Prime? Like the Purple Lamp Corps?”

Jerald sighed, “Yes, like the Purple Lamp Corps.”

“Hot damn! Why didn’t you say that in the first place? Hey, why didn’t he just send the Purple Lamps?”

“He thought we could do a better job.”

“I don’t know, the Purple Lamps can do all that stuff with their lamps.”

“Half the Purple Lamps are also as dumb as rocks, if not dumber. Now then, do you have any suspects?”

“Only one,” said the comic shop owner, bitterly, “Only one.”

***

A half hour later, Cinco de Mayo arrived at the Tower of the Geek Necromancer. It was a two-story house in a quiet suburban neighborhood. Jerald knocked on the door and they waited.

“So we all know the plan,” said Jerald, staring at the door.

Baggy Wallis pulled out some non-lethal armaments and said, “Input pain.”

Charlotte frolicked in the yard, being distracted by a bird.

“Charlotte,” shouted Jerald. Charlotte looked over and, after a moment’s indecision, walked over sullenly.

“I was chasing a bird,” she said, twirling her hair around her finger, “You never let me chase birds. Mike P would let me chase birds.”

“You’re not on Mike P’s super-team. He doesn’t even have a super-team. We have a job to do. Do you remember your part?”

Charlotte rolled her eyes and exhaled deeply, “Stand there and distract him.”

“Good. Toddo?”

“I have to look for clues,” he exclaimed.

“Right. Glob?”

Glob the Blob sighed, “Stand by the door so if he tries to get away he’ll get stuck in me.”

“Yes. Ah, I believe this is he!”

The door opened, revealing a middle-aged woman smoking a cigarette. She looked Cinco de Mayo up and down and coughed, put out her cigarette on Baggy Wallis’ arm, and leaned against the door-frame, “You here to see Elvin?”

“Yes, we are. How did you know?”

“You lorpy people are always here to see Elvin. Go right down.”

“Down?”

“To the basement.”

Jerald nodded, and Cinco de Mayo wandered down to the basement. The walls were painted black with red curtains hung against the only wall with windows. A washer churned forlornly on the other side of the room, but a portly young man in black robes sat in a black easy-chair, templing his fingers. He looked over his glasses at his visitors, lingering upon Charlotte.

Jerald readied his staff and prepared a spell of binding, “Elvin Clovar? The Geek Necromancer?”

“That I be,” said Elvin, still staring at Charlotte.

“What did you do with the Free Comic Book Day comics? And why would you steal them in the first place?”

Elvin stood up quickly, caught his breath, and pointed, “I stole them and hid them, of course! Every year on Free Comic Book Day, I see fair-weather fans and total comic virgins enter the store and partake of the comics goodness! Well, no longer, I say! Only the true fan should partake of the comics!”

“That’s not right! Free Comic Book Day is about winning people over to comics, not catering to fan-boys!”

“Says you, gnome. I’ll tell you what-”

Elvin Clovar didn’t get to finish his thought, as someone crashed through the basement’s ceiling and pinned him against the wall.

“Free Comic Book Day Man,” exclaimed Jerald and Charlotte, one is shock and the other in awe.

Free Comic Book Day Man’s hand went back and forth across Elvin’s pudgy face, blood eventually escaping his fragile human body and teeth flying back and forth. Elvin’s glasses broke almost immediately, falling to the ground, and tears erupted from his swollen eyes.

“Don’t kill him,” exclaimed Jerald, wide-eyed and panicked.

Free Comic Book Day Man looked back at Jerald, shrugged, and continued beating Elvin.

“Please stop beating him! The only way we’ll find the free comics in time is if he tells us where they are!”

Free Comic Book Day Man looked back at Jerald once more, and then at Elvin Clovar, who was nodding and bleeding profusely, and then back at Jerald. Once again, he shrugged, and continued beating Clovar.

“Please stop, Mister Free Comic Book Day Man,” said Toddo, “He was just doing what he thought was right for Free Comic Book Day. I’m sure if he had actually thought about it, he would have realized how wrong he was.”

Free Comic Book Day Man looked down at Toddo, and then at Elvin, and then at the other members of Cinco de Mayo. Charlotte had become distracted by a piece of frayed curtain, Baggy Wallis stood by, weapons poised, and Glob just sat by the steps. Jerald, however, nodded and smiled. Free Comic Book Day Man threw Elvin Clovar against a wall with a sickening crack, and the body slumped to the ground. Jerald walked over and attempted to take his pulse, but was unable to find it.

“Now we’ll never find the free comics in time. Also, he’s dead.”

Toddo was at Elvin’s computer, and stood to the side, pointing to the screen, “He wrote it on his blog.”

Jerald sighed, “Oh. Well, do you want to team-up with us, Free Comic Book Day Man?”

Free Comic Book Day Man gave a half-hearted shrug and waved his hand for the team to follow.

“I’m going to stay here and see if I can resurrect him. If I bring him back to life, will you let him live?”

Free Comic Book Day Man gave a half-hearted shrug and led the remaining members of Cinco de Mayo out of the Tower of the Geek Necromancer. Jerald began working on his spell.

***

“The first location was Taco Bell, for some reason,” said Toddo, as Baggy Wallis picked through the dumpster, “I don’t think they’re in the dumpster.”

“Input apathy,” said Baggy Wallis as he continued.

Free Comic Book Day Man crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently, being a man of action.

“Maybe they’re inside the restaurant,” said Glob.

“Good point! Well, let’s-,” Toddo stopped, watching in fear as Free Comic Book Day Man picked up the dumpster and threw it against the building, cracking the bricks. Again and again he threw the dumpster, eventually breaking through the wall.

“Input safety,” said Baggy Wallis.

Free Comic Book Day Man stormed in and looked around, occasionally pointing menacingly at an incoming customer.

“We have to find those comics,” said Toddo.

“I did,” said Charlotte, pointing to a cupboard underneath the sauces.

“Good job,” said Toddo.

Free Comic Book Day Man seized the comics and quickly paged through them. He nodded, and reverently placed them down upon a table. He pointed to Cinco de Mayo and then out the window.

“Shouldn’t we take the comics back,” asked Toddo.

Free Comic Book Day Man nodded, and pointed to Charlotte.

“Couldn’t you just fly-”

Free Comic Book Day Man slammed his fist against a table, breaking it in two.

“You’re on comics detail, then. See you later, Charlotte.”

Charlotte nodded and picked up the comics, careful to avoid Free Comic Book Day Man’s vengeful gaze. This would be one time that nothing could distract her.

***

“The second location is Cold Stone Creamery. What is it with that guy and food,” mused Toddo, trying to open the door, “Oh well, I’ll just pick the-”

Free Comic Book Day Man threw a trash can through the door, and then shot the alarm with his laser-eyes.

“That works, too. Okay, so we need to…”

“Input ice cream,” said Baggy Wallis, smothering ice cream over his face.

“We need to find the comics. I’m sure the alarms notified the authorities, so we need to do it fast.”

“Need to do what fast,” said an elderly security guard, “Well, I’ll be! It’s the Free Comic Book Day Guy! I remember seeing you back in ’66!”

This fit of nostalgia did not help the guard, as Free Comic Book Day Man drove a fist into his stomach, causing him to vomit.

“Baggy Wallis!”

Baggy Wallis shot out an electrified net, landing it on top of the security guard. Free Comic Book Day Man turned towards the robot angrily and stepped forward.

“We don’t have time to fight the security guard! We need to find the comics!”

Free Comic Book Day Man stopped, and nodded. Then he shot a laser-blast at Baggy Wallis, who dodged it. It refracted off the mirror and shot a hole into the cupboard beneath the ice cream.

“Input comics,” said Baggy Wallis, picking them up.

Free Comic Book Day Man nodded, and grabbed Toddo and Glob the Blob, leaving Baggy Wallis to deliver the comics and, perhaps, seek medical attention for the security guard.

***

“The third location is an aquarium,” said Toddo, “I can’t possibly to think where they might be. Might as well start checking cupboards. And we have to hurry, the sun is coming out.”

Free Comic Book Day Man held up a hand, and pointed at the shark tank. A single comic floated on the water. In a fit of rage, Free Comic Book Day Man tore a souvenir stand in two. Then he fell to the ground and put his face in his hands. Toddo walked over and patted him on the shoulder.

“Don’t worry, it’s just one comic. If it makes you feel any better, I won’t take that one when I go to get my free comics, okay?”

Free Comic Book Day Man looked at Toddo mournfully, questioningly.

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s a good comic, but there’ll be others, right?”

Free Comic Book Day Man nodded, and stood up, once again filled with hope and vigor. He dove into the shark tank and, moments later, a shark rose to the top, fighting with Free Comic Book Day Man. They bobbed up and down in the water, each time they emerged, they were in a different pose, until suddenly Free Comic Book Day Man was nowhere to be seen. Toddo screeched.

“We have to get up there and help him,” he said, carrying Glob.

Glob sighed, “What can we do against a shark?”

“I don’t know, but we have to do something! Quick, anchor me to this pole!”

Glob did so, unwillingly, and Toddo hung out over the edge of the water, trying to formulate a plan. Suddenly, the shark emerged again, with Free Comic Book Day Man sticking out of its mouth while holding a stack of comics in a water-tight bag. He held it out to Toddo, who grabbed it and tossed it onto the ground behind him. Free Comic Book Day Man then went back into the shark, and emerged holding a single comic, and held it out to Toddo. With some effort, the child grabbed it, and put it on the stack. Then, suddenly, the shark exploded, freeing Free Comic Book Day Man.

“At least the job got done, I guess,” said Toddo, watching as the other sharks fed upon the remains of their fellow, “Glob, I guess it’s up to you to deliver this comics.”

Glob sighed, slithered off the pole, and took a deep breath. This allowed his body to expand and catch the wind, and with a mighty gust, he grabbed the comics and took flight.

***

“The last location is a used car dealership,” said Toddo, as he and Free Comic Book Day Man stood around, looking at all the cars, “I can’t even begin to imagine where they might be here. We can’t check all the cars before we’re out of time, I know that much.”

Free Comic Book Day Man nodded and leaned onto one of the cars, crushing it.

“Hold on,” said Toddo, “The first comics were by Fire Sauce! The second were by a stone! The third were in the water, in a shark! Fire, earth, and water! Three of the four elements! That means the last comics have to be up there!” He pointed excitedly to a windmill. However, his gaze then lowered and fell upon a horde of zombies. “I guess it makes sense. He is a necromancer, after all. This is what we’ll do… oh.”

Toddo was about to come up with a brilliant plan, but Free Comic Book Day Man had thrown himself at the zombie horde and was destroying them by any means necessary. Toddo sighed and ran up to the windmill, and began climbing it. On the ground, Free Comic Book Day Man tossed a car at several zombies, causing a minor explosion which caused their flaming limbs to fly everywhere, setting several other zombies ablaze. Toddo made his way ever upward.

“How did a fat kid like Elvin Clovar manage to climb all the way up here,” he said, half-way up.

On the ground, the carnage escalated as Free Comic Book Day Man began using his eye-lasers upon the zombies, cutting them in twain. Several of the legless torsos continued onward, and it was the effort of a moment to crush their heads beneath his foot. Suddenly, a zombie bit him, but it was to no effect: you can’t turn a robot into a zombie. He tore the perpetrator in half, threw it up in the air, and it exploded. Toddo reached the top of the windmill, and was shocked to find it empty.

“Where are the comics?”

He looked down and saw the stack of comics in a bush at the foot of the windmill, and realized that he should have checked there first. He began climbing down while Free Comic Book Day Man continued battling the zombie horde. A dismemberment there, an immolation there, and every so often, an explosion. This continued until Toddo reached the bottom, unnoticed by anyone, and grabbed the stack of comics.

“I’ve got them,” he exclaimed, holding them up. Free Comic Book Day Man nodded, shot another zombie, and grabbed Toddo and flew into the air with him. “What about the zombies? They’ll infect people, and it’s Free Comic Book Day, not Free Zombie Day!”

Free Comic Book Day Man nodded, and let loose with a barrage of weaponry, destroying the zombies, the windmill, and half of the used cars.

***

“I promise I’ll never try anything like this ever again,” said Elvin Clovar, holding an ice-pack to his swollen face.

“Sign the papers,” said Jerald, “I still can’t promise what will happen when he gets here, though.”

The door opened and Charlotte walked in, filled with fear. She put the comics on the table and sat down next to Jerald.

“Good job, my dear,” said Jerald.

“Thank you,” she said, “Did I make it in time?”

“The store opens in an hour. As long as your friends make it back, too, we’re good,” said the comic shop owner.

Baggy Wallis was the next to arrive. He put down his comics and sat down, “Input sammich.”

“Why are you covered in blood,” asked Jerald.

“Input victim. Input hospital.”

“Ah.”

Glob arrived moments afterward, deflating himself and dropping the comics on the table. He slunk off to the corner sullenly. Free Comic Book Day Man and Toddo arrived soon after, putting the comics on the table. Immediately after doing so, Free Comic Book Day Man turned and pointed at Elvin Clovar. Jerald produced the paperwork. Free Comic Book Day Man grabbed it angrily and read it quickly. He threw it on the ground and pointed to his face, then to Elvin Clovar, then the free comics, and then he dragged his hand across his neck, pantomiming a beheading.

“I understand,” said Elvin, “I’ll never mess with Free Comic Book Day again.”

Free Comic Book Day Man nodded, and then grabbed a copy of “The Incredible Hulk #181” off the shelf, and handed it to Toddo.

“You can’t do that,” said the comic shop owner.

“Don’t fight it,” said Jerald, “Trust me on this.”

Free Comic Book Day Man handed the comic to Toddo, who took it happily, “Is this because I was willing to go without that comic on Free Comic Book Day?”

Free Comic Book Day Man nodded.

“Golly! Thanks!”

With that, Free Comic Book Day Man left, and an hour later, a joyful Free Comic Book Day was had by all.

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One Response to “Race Against the Sun”

  1. […] and he had a starring role in another “Free Comic Book Day” related story, “Race Against the Sun“, where he was called the Geek Necromancer. He went on to nit-pick every little thing in […]

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